From Denny: "Can you hear me now?" Watch the Romney campaign in slow motion implode just in time to lose the election. (Oh, thank you, there is a God.) Stupid on Steroids GOP Senate candidates keep talking about rape in ways to legitimize it. The constant GOP rape talk does start you wondering if all of these men were actually once guilty of rape. Are these politicians trying to find ways to rationalize rape as no big deal to absolve them of their nagging conscience?
Colbert wipes the floor with these fools in clip after clip after he lists idiot comment after idiot comment in one long GOP brain diarrhea stream: Team Rape. There really should be an intelligence test - and a sanity test - for any one desiring to run for office. We know who could not pass it.
These conservative GOP candidates and talking heads are so intelligence and sanity challenged we all might want to think about taking them to the vet to be put down. They think nothing of putting bulls eye targets on the backs - and Senate office doors - of Democrats. The perfect answer to that is to deal with these rabid dogs that are so improperly socialized.
Sarah Palin should be first in line at the vet for her latest nasty line about "President Obama shuckin' and jivin'" - though she used it as a racial slur it actually means just folks cleaning corn cobs and talking to pass the time of day. The GOP keep up the Klan talk hoping to whip up the masses and get them to the polls in this close race.
Collected here are all the late night jokes about the debates from the late night comics.
Of course, any post on the latest political jokes about the campaign and debates would not be complete without Jon Stewart and the The Daily Show comics weighing in with their funny thoughts. "John Oliver argues that Mitt Romney is a six-foot shaft with tiny balls for feet, while Aasif Mandvi assures voters that Romney's closing pitch is whatever they want it to be."
To round out this comedy dinner is Jon Stewart slamming his favorite target: Fox "Liar" News. It doesn't get
any better than this! Enjoy the hilarious photos about Mr. Romnesia himself and his women in binders.
There are some folks out there with very creative license of those debate photos. You won't be
disappointed. My favorites are Hillary Clinton's sarcastic remarks about Romney as she is texting. Warn
your dog ahead of time not to yelp because you will fall off the couch laughing!
Tell the Republicans not to cut PBS - Cut Wall Street not Sesame Street, Support PBS
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* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com
From Jay Leno:
So far for Halloween, sales of Obama masks are 30 percent higher than the sales of Mitt Romney masks. That makes sense. I mean, what's scarier than four more years of this economy?
Tonight was the third and final presidential debate. The good news? Tonight was the third and final presidential debate.
The debates made it to three episodes. That makes it NBC's most successful show so far this season.
I was watching TV last night, and I see this stupid infomercial for Crest Whitestrips that goes on for like an hour and a half with this guy just smiling. Then I realize it's Joe Biden. I'm watching the debate.
The Obama campaign has a new strategy. They've gone from 'hope and change' to 'smirk and giggle.'
We learned a lot about Joe Biden's policies last night. As you know, he has come out very, very strongly against malarkey.
There were a couple of really funny jokes during the debate. Like when Paul Ryan referred to the Saudis as our allies, and the way Biden kept referring to Ryan as 'my friend.'
There is a lot of anticipation for tonight's vice-presidential debate. Joe Biden took six days off to prepare for it. President Obama took just two days off. Well, three if you count the actual debate.
Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.
Tomorrow night Joe Biden and Paul Ryan will be facing off in the vice-presidential debate. The White House was a little worried. In fact, Biden's handlers are telling him, 'Whatever you do, don't be yourself. Be anybody else.'
Wednesday October 24, 2012
Richard Mourdock's Rape Comment
Richard Mourdock's rape remark upsets voters and possibly God, so Stephen enlightens his fellow conservatives on rape's approval rating.
The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive
"The good news for the White House is that unemployment has dropped to 7.8 percent, right where it was when President Obama took office. So Obama has gone from 'Change you can believe in' to 'Can you believe there's no change.'
"Today the Secret Service caught a woman trying to sneak into the White House with a mysterious package. Turns out it was just Ann Romney with some carpet samples.
Mitt Romney is refusing to participate in the long-running special on Nickelodeon called 'Kids Pick the President.' Romney said it's nothing personal; he just says that these kids are part of that 47 percent who contribute nothing to the country and mooch off their parents and grandparents.
Can you believe it's only another month until we start arguing about whether the election was stolen or not?
Democrats are accusing Mitt Romney of cheating during the debate. I don't know who he cheated off of, but I think we can rule out President Obama.
While the average American's net worth has gone down in the last four years, the net worth of the average member of Congress has actually gone up. No wonder Congress isn't motivated to do anything — they're the only ones better off now than they were four years ago.
Unemployment is 7.8 percent, the lowest it's been since Obama took office. The Obama campaign said they can't wait to take these statistics and not use them in the next debate.
Twitter said today that Wednesday night's debate was the most tweeted event in political history. Really, in history? Do you think that has more to do with the fact that Twitter is only six years old?
They say close to 60 million people may have watched the debate. In fact, the only person who didn't tune in was President Obama. What happened?
Campaign Closing Arguments
John Oliver argues that Mitt Romney is a six-foot shaft with tiny balls for feet, while Aasif Mandvi assures voters that Romney's closing pitch is whatever they want it to be.
President Obama talked last night about finding new sources of energy. He couldn’t muster enough energy for the 90-minute debate. And to make matters worse, last night was his anniversary. The only way his wedding anniversary could have been worse was if he had forgotten it.
The presidential debates were earlier tonight, and I think most of the nation's all thinking the same thing – just one more day until Thursday Night Football.
Watching the debates is a lot like football, particularly the New York Jets. Tebow is like Romney – almost surely disappointing if he gets in. And Obama's like Sanchez, already in there and disappointing us right now.
There's been a lot of talk this year about voter fraud, election fraud. But we haven't seen many cases of it. You know what I think we should be investigating? Candidate fraud.
Unlike those Republican primary debates, there was no cheering or applause allowed from the audience tonight in Denver, which was fairly easy to control. They filled the crowd with Colorado Rockies fans.
Are you going to watch the debates? How many wish it was like the NFL and they could just bring in replacement candidates?'
I understand they are going to have 'fact checkers' standing by — just in case either candidate happens to say something factual.
At a campaign rally in Charlotte, Vice President Joe Biden said, 'The middle class has been buried the past four years. Buried.' Which candidate is he campaigning for? I'm confused.
Bulls#%t Mountain: Episode I - The Phantom Menace
The right's grand mal, multimedia freak-out over President Obama's "not optimal" sound bite furthers Fox News' trend of predictable, hyperbolic announcements.
Al Gore is going to be covering the debate for his network, Current TV. Al Gore on Current TV, talking about Mitt Romney. That is like the perfect storm of boring.
Arnold Schwarzenegger gave an interview to '60 Minutes' last night. In the interview, Arnold says you can't run from your mistakes. Yeah, especially when they have feet of their own.
Florida election officials say at least 10 counties have identified suspicious and possibly fraudulent voter registration forms. And they were turned in by a firm working for the Republican Party of Florida. I guess they got suspicious when they realized most of the votes were for Bob Dole.
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From David Letterman:
Pundits are saying Mitt Romney won the first debate, and the second debate probably was won by President Obama. Whoever wins the third debate, held tonight, will meet the Tigers in the World Series.
Latest polls among registered voters show six percent are undecided. Pick one, come on! Those are the guys you see in the Baskin-Robbins asking for free samples.
Last night was the vice-presidential debate. Jim Lehrer, who moderated the first debate, wanted to watch at home but he lost control of the remote.
Paul Ryan accused Joe Biden of underdeveloped triceps.
Chris Christie was in Ohio stumping for Mitt Romney. It was felt as far north as Canada.
Earlier tonight was the vice presidential debate. A lot of people say who cares, but let me tell you something. One of these two gentlemen will be walking the White House dog.
Paul Ryan's handling committee says he just has to do one thing. All he has to do is not look like a beady-eyed little weasel.
Before the debate, Ryan said he'll stick to the facts. So, see, he's already lying.
The vice-presidential debate is tomorrow night. Democrats took a pounding at the last debate, so now they're going to be a little more aggressive. Joe Biden is thinking of opening with a head butt.
It going to be strange watching a debate without the president, although he wasn't there for the last one either.
You know Obama's campaign is in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around.
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* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com Here comes the vice-presidential debate. My favorite part of a debate is when a candidate will tell a heartfelt anecdote about a struggling American who lives in a swing state.
You know the Obama campaign's in trouble when they're looking to Joe Biden to turn things around.
It's Nobel Prize season. Earlier today a medical team received the Nobel Prize for reviving the Mitt Romney campaign.
Joe Biden is taking no chances for his upcoming vice-presidential debate with Paul Ryan. He's taking six days off to prepare. Six days off from what?
The format for the vice-presidential debate is different. The candidates spend 90 minutes guessing the actual retail price of merchandise.
Your choice now is pretty clear. You can either vote for the guy who got rid of bin Laden or vote for the guy who wants to get rid of Big Bird.
Mitt did a great job. After the debate he celebrated with a bottle of caffeine-free diet soda.
Top Ten President Obama Excuses
10. "I haven't slept an hour since 2008"
9. "Romney's hair is mesmerizing"
8. "Didn't want to wake Jim Lehrer"
7. "Haven't been the same since I quit smoking"
6. "Honestly, I thought the debate was next week"
5. "I live with my mother-in-law, what do you want from me?"
4. "Kept blanking on what percentage of the country Mitt's written off"
3. "Skipped rehearsal, just like Letterman"
2. "Why don't you ask Bin Laden how I did?"
1. "It's Bush's fault"
Mitt Romney said he's going to get rid of Big Bird and slash PBS. And then he mentions Donald Trump, who endorses Mitt Romney. It's interesting -- one is a comical TV character with synthetic yellow hair, and then you have Big Bird.
Say what you will about Mitt Romney. Less night I thought he was energetic, he was crisp, he was dynamic. What have you done with the real Mitt Romney?
Mitt Romney did so well last night, hell he may even release his tax return. He did so well last night, he might even let poor people vote.
60 million people watched this from around the world. And from the Cayman Islands, even Mitt's money was watching.
Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Debate Moderator
10. Fire starter's pistol to begin debate; is whisked away by security service
9. Opens event by saying, "Everyone knows elections are a sham"
8. Pronounces the name 'Rombley'
7. Moderates debate via speakerphone; greets candidates with "Hello, Angels"
6. Keeps asking Mitt if he'd like to concede
5. Barely stops clipping his fingernails to ask a question
4. Performs Sade song parody, "Smooth Moderator"
3. Every question is about canker sores
2. He's flanked by his "goddesses"
1. Refers to candidates as 'the Mormon' and 'the Kenyan'
The debates begin tomorrow night and we'll see Mitt and Ann Romney. Of course, you remember them as the stars of TV's 'Dynasty.'
I love the presidential debates. At my house, what we do each night before they begin is we put out a plate of milk and cookies for Jim Lehrer.
Top Ten Worst Politician Excuses
10. "Too much White House beer"
9. "It was my first time using a camera phone"
8. "Figured it was legal in Kentucky"
7. "I make it a rule never to discuss politics"
6. "When I talk about gays and Jews, it's supposed to be off-the-record"
5. "Thought it was my leg"
4. "Asked myself, 'What would the Taliban do?'"
3. "Misunderstood the word 'election'"
2. "It's not like I put my dog in the car and my wife on the roof" (video of Mitt Romney with dog of roof)
1. "She knew I had wooden teeth"
Ann Romney says that if Mitt is elected she would worry about his mental health. Well, there's a ringing endorsement.
From Conan O'Brien:
Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney hold their final debate in Boca Raton, Florida. The topic of the debate is what is more shocking to see in Boca Raton, a Mormon or a black guy.
Tonight President Obama and Mitt Romney debate foreign policy. Pundits say it will be close, but it will probably go to the candidate who wore the 'I killed Osama bin Laden' T-shirt.
Donald Trump says he will reveal big news about President Obama on Wednesday. Trump said he would have announced it sooner, but faking a Kenyan birth certificate is harder than it looks.
You can sense the election getting very close. Both candidates are now working very hard to shore up their support among women. In fact, today they both pledged to increase domestic production of Ryan Gosling movies.
Yesterday Mitt Romney's son Tagg said that during the debate he wanted to punch President Obama for calling his father a liar. He also wants to punch his father for giving him the name Tagg.
Endorsements are rolling in. The Atheist Party has endorsed Obama for president. When told the news Obama said, 'Thank God.'
Last night, Mitt Romney said when he was looking to hire females, he would browse through 'binders full of women.' Romney said he got the idea from Tom Cruise.
The second presidential debate is on tonight. President Obama is now saying he was too polite to Mitt Romney in the first debate. Obama now plans to address Romney as 'Money Bag.'
One of President Obama's goals tonight is to win back female voters. Which explains why Obama is going to answer every question with a passage from 'Fifty Shades of Grey.'
After Paul Ryan stopped by for a photo op at a soup kitchen, the head of the charity said Ryan did nothing. In other words, that man is ready to be vice president.
Ross Perot has endorsed Mitt Romney. This could help Romney get the vote of people you forgot were still alive.
The Obama campaign is releasing a new ad showing Americans whose financial situation has improved over the past four years. Unfortunately, the only person who appears in the ad is Mitt Romney.
Polling across the country shows the presidential race is now neck and neck. It's an even tie between not Barack Obama and not Mitt Romney.
It's being reported that Mitt Romney's goal for tonight's debate is to make Barack Obamalook like Jimmy Carter. Meanwhile, Barack Obama's goal is to make Mitt Romney look like Mitt Romney.
Today was not only the first presidential debate, it was also President Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. I think the president got a little confused. At one point, he told Michelle that she was out of touch with the middle class and Romney that he looks as beautiful as the day they first met.
President Obama is winning the election according to an informal poll conducted by 7-Eleven. However, the findings are being hotly contested by analysts from The Cheesecake Factory.
A lot of people disappointed in President Obama's performance last night. Last night, critics say President Obama spent too much time looking down at something on the podium. And today the president apologized and said, 'At the next debate, no more angry birds.'
At one point last night President said the one thing about being president is learning to say no -- especially when someone asks, 'Do you feel ready for this debate?'
Mitt Romney went after PBS last night. It's about time someone went after those guys. It's about time someone took some starch out of their collars.
During last night's debate, Mitt Romney said he'd cut funds to PBS, even though he loves Big Bird. He's definitely against whatever the hell Bert and Ernie are up to.
For tomorrow's debate, President Obama's advisers have been working with him to keep his responses short. In fact, the only words the president plans on saying are 'bin Laden' and 'dead.' That's it.
In Arnold Schwarzenegger's new book, he says his first clue that the housekeeper's son was his was when the boy started looking like him. His second clue was when he was the only Mexican kid with an Austrian accent.
Joe Biden is campaigning very hard for Obama. In Florida, Vice President Biden told a group of nurses, 'If there are any angels in heaven, they're all nurses.' Then Biden said, 'Of course, maybe they wouldn't be in heaven if they'd had better nurses.'
The presidential debate is on Wednesday. Mitt Romney has been preparing for the debate by debating a Republican senator who plays the part of President Obama. Meanwhile, President Obama has been preparing for Romney by debating an ATM machine.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was on '60 Minutes' promoting his book. He said you can't run from your mistakes. You have to confront them. Yeah, especially if they look exactly like you and keep calling you dad.
From Stephen Colbert:
Tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former Governor Mitt Romney and future former President Barack Obama. Now I'm TiVoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservative Romney kicked the lethargic or energetic Obama's ass.
Democratic self-loathing has gotten so bad, they’ve changed their symbol … to Eeyore eating a whole cheesecake.
Oh please, Mr. President. Everyone plays by the same set of rules -- and at the end of the game the rich flip over the board and yell, "I win!
The time for fact checking is after the event when voters have stopped watching. We should not be sullying their emotional reactions with accuracy. – on Candy Crowley fact-checking Mitt Romney during the presidential debate.
Shocking. A conservative Republican congressman was caught having an illicit affair -- and it wasn't with a man, woohoo!
It's like Obama wasn't even there. He hasn't done this poorly since he debated Clint Eastwood.
Now you know me. I’m a staunch conservative and I condemn any Republican who distances themselves from everything he has said on the campaign trail. But it worked, so f*ck it.' – on Mitt Romney lying at the presidential debate
He just told the moderator -- who works at PBS -- I'm going to throw your ass out on the street old man! Not only you, but all those free-loading Muppets! That doesn't just take one ball, it takes TWO! TWO ENORMOUS BALLS! Ha-ha-ha! – impersonating Sesame Street's The Count, referring to Romney's attack on the popular children's show
The middle class is broken down by the side of the road, and Paul Ryan is driving up in a black windowless van and saying, 'Get in.' ... Just get in. And it puts the lotion on its body.
The math behind how Romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folk to understand. It's unfathomably complex, like string theory. You'd have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexistent dimensions, eight of which is where Romney shelters his wealth.
From Jon Stewart:
Couple of things: One, the women’s group was called MassGAP and they approached Governor Romney, not the other way around. And two, my guess is they did not refer to what they presented as a binder full of women, but perhaps as an organized collection of qualified resumes. But hey, Binder of Women, Book of Broads, Notebook of Nipples, whatever.
Jon Stewart on PBS: "Fox News is upset that empty headed puppets are trying to brainwash and indoctrinate Americans. Perhaps they could sue them for copyright infringement.
I gotta say, if you’re cooking the books, 7.8 percent unemployment is a sh*tty recipe.
There is no red America! There is no blue America! There is only the America that can't believe how bad this guy did in the debate.
The consensus is that Mitt Romney won the presidential debate last night. The only people who thought Obama won were the replacement refs.
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* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com From Jimmy Fallon:
The final presidential debate was held tonight in Boca Raton, Florida, and was moderated by 75-year-old Bob Schieffer from CBS News. That’s right, 75 years old – or as Florida residents call that, 'a tween.'
Donald Trump said he has a “very big” announcement about President Obama that could cost him the election. Yeah, he’s going to endorse him."
Donald Trump has a big announcement regarding President Obama. Apparently he has evidence that Obama was born in 'Romnesia.'
I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I'm going to try to tell these jokes before Joe Biden interrupts me.
Joe Biden actually interrupted Paul Ryan 82 times during the vice-presidential debate. Even the ladies from 'The View' were like, 'Dude — wait your turn!'
Biden aggressively contested nearly every claim his opponent made during their debate. Then President Obama was like, 'Wait — you’re allowed to do that?'
A new poll found that only 47 percent of voters find Mitt Romney to be trustworthy. Then Romney was like, 'Well, I hope it's not the same 47 percent I don't care about.'
This week President Obama's Facebook page received more than a million 'Likes' in a single day. All of them from Republicans who watched last week's debate.
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This week the Obamas' dog, Bo, turned 4 years old. He spent the day the way he always does – digging holes, chasing squirrels, and coaching Obama for the debates.
The Obama campaign is planning to open up its 120th field office in Ohio. Even Starbucks is like, 'That's too many locations, man.'
People close to the campaign are saying that Mitt Romney's son, Tagg, is now one of his chief advisers. That's right, when Mitt asked him to join the team, he put his arm on his son's shoulder and said 'Tagg, you're it!'
A new survey found that atheists are the fastest-growing religious group in the U.S. And if you find that hard to believe – well, you're probably one of them.
Apparently after last week's debate, polls show Obama trailing Romney by one point. One point — or as it's also known, 'the thing Obama failed to make during last week's debate.'
The vice-presidential debate is just three days away. Republican candidate Paul Ryan says he expects Joe Biden to come at him 'like a cannonball.' In response, Biden was like, 'There's gonna be a pool there?'
Last night, a woman on QVC fainted on the air, but her co-host kept talking as if nothing had happened. One person was unconscious while the other one just kept talking — kind of like last week's presidential debate.
In a new interview, Mitt Romney said that he is against marijuana being used for recreational purposes. When stoners heard that, they were like, 'Well, what about just for fun?'
In a new interview, first lady Michelle Obama said that she would choose Will Smith or Denzel Washington to play her husband in a movie. Or as Democrats put that, 'Any way they can play him in a debate?'
After months of buildup, last night was the first presidential debate at the University of Denver. Of course, a lot of big names didn't show up to the event -- Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, President Obama.
During last night's debate Mitt Romney said that he loves Big Bird. What made it even more awkward was that the question was, "Can you explain your tax plan?'
The president seemed to give long-winded, disjointed answers during last night's debate. Even Gay Busey was like, 'Dude, you've got to focus.'
Jim Lehrer had trouble making sure the candidates stuck to the rules last night. Even NFL replacement refs were like, 'This guy's a disaster!'
Tonight was the first presidential debate between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. Not only that, it was also Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. It was a little weird during the debate when Obama promised to balance the budget, lower taxes, and be home by 10:00 for cuddle time.
While campaigning yesterday in Colorado, Mitt Romney made a stop at the fast-food restaurant Chipotle. The guy behind the counter was like, 'Burrito?' And Romney was like, 'Hey there, Burrito. My name is Mitt Romney. Pleasure to meet you.'
The first debate is tomorrow night and I heard that the Obama campaign is a little worried because during his flight to Nevada on Sunday the president watched four hours of football instead of studying — although it did mark the first time all year that Obama has actually seen something get passed.
A new survey found that over 35 percent of Americans actually plan on voting before Election Day. Not for president of the United States, just for 'Dancing With the Stars.'
Arnold Schwarzenegger was interviewed on '60 Minutes.' He revealed that he performed two same-sex marriages while he was governor of California. Of course, the marriages aren't official because the couples couldn't understand what Arnold was saying.
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* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com From Jimmy Kimmel:
A CNN poll today said that 46 percent of viewers who watched thought Obama won and 39 percent thought Mitt Romney won. So, it looks like Obama's strategy of staying awake through this one paid off.
The format of the debate was a town hall meeting. Before last night, I didn't know town hall meetings were a real thing. I thought they made them up for movies like 'Footloose.' And 'Hoosiers.'
The questions last night came from undecided voters, and what a group they were. Basically these were the people who still cash checks at the supermarket.
On the subject of equal pay for women, he said that when he was filing cabinet positions as governor of Massachusetts, he went out of his way to make sure he hired women. He said he had 'binders full of women, which is a little creepy. Binders full of women is something they'd find in a serial killer's basement at the end of Law & Order SVU.
Romney's policy toward women is clear: we have to alphabetize them.
Maybe for Mitt Romney that's the closets he's ever gotten to looking at a dirty magazine.
I don't know why they had a debate. This race was over last night when Honey Boo Boo made her official endorsement. She's pulling for Barack Obama. They say as goes Honey Boo Boo, so goes the election.
They agreed the subjects for the debate were foreign and domestic issues. Which pretty much covers everything, doesn't it? Where else is there besides foreign and domestic issues? Space, I guess?
Tonight's debate was what they call the town hall format, which is where real voters get to ask questions and the candidates ignore them and just talk about what they wanted to in the first place.
One of the rules was that the moderator will not ask follow-up questions or comment on either the questions asked by the audience or the answers by the candidates. So basically one of tonight's debate rules was that no one was allowed to debate.
The vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Paul Ryan went on tonight. It seemed like someone spiked Biden's ensure with a five-hour energy drink or something. He was very fired up.
We haven't seen Paul Ryan talk much. He's a very serious guy. Paul Ryan seems like the guy you see at the bank who really hates standing in line.
We haven't seen Paul Ryan talk much. He's a very serious guy. Paul Ryan seems like the guy you see at the bank who really hates standing in line.
Paul Ryan looks like the guy who guards the keg at a frat party.
Because President Obama and Mitt Romney went way over their time limits, they put safety measures in place for this debate to make sure it didn't happen again. I think they got this idea from award shows. Biden didn't even have time to thank his agent.
Because President Obama and Mitt Romney went way over their time limits, they put safety measures in place for this debate to make sure it didn't happen again. I think they got this idea from award shows. Biden didn't even have time to thank his agent.
President Obama was here in Los Angeles last night. He was here with his agent taking meetings in case things don't work out next month.
The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous.
The president was here with a concert that included Katy Perry, Jennifer Hudson, and George Clooney. If Obama goes more than a month without seeing George Clooney, he gets nervous.
Most analysts think Mitt Romney won the debate last night. Which means President Obama lost two fights on his anniversary last night.
The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife's friends at a dinner party.
The only thing that could have salvaged the president's performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage.
Moderator for the debate last night was Jim Lehrer of PBS, and Jim was as in control of this evening as a replacement referee.
The president seemed a little bit out of it last night. He had all the enthusiasm of a husband talking to his wife's friends at a dinner party.
The only thing that could have salvaged the president's performance would have been if the body of bin Laden fell from the ceiling onto the stage.
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Moderator for the debate last night was Jim Lehrer of PBS, and Jim was as in control of this evening as a replacement referee.
Tonight is the first presidential debate of 2012. Tonight was also one of the only nights of the year when you might actually hear someone say, 'Honey, turn on C-SPAN.'
Tonight also happens to be Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. That seems very convenient. 'Honey, I'd love to go to the ballet with you, but I'm debating Mitt Romney that night.'
The city council here in L.A. voted 11-2 to overturn the ban on medical marijuanadispensaries. It's great news for the thousands of people who suffer from fake back pain, fake neck pain, and fake sleep disorders.
Overturning the ban is also great news for the makers of Chex Party Mix.
Mitt Romney and Snooki are back in the news. Romney recently was asked who he liked better, Snooki or Honey Boo Boo. He picked Snooki. Snooki heard this and said it was awesome but she still hasn't decided who she's voting for. You should be allowed to vote or be on 'Jersey Shore,' not both.Tonight also happens to be Obama's 20th wedding anniversary. That seems very convenient. 'Honey, I'd love to go to the ballet with you, but I'm debating Mitt Romney that night.'
The city council here in L.A. voted 11-2 to overturn the ban on medical marijuanadispensaries. It's great news for the thousands of people who suffer from fake back pain, fake neck pain, and fake sleep disorders.
Overturning the ban is also great news for the makers of Chex Party Mix.
You have to figure Snooki will vote for Obama. She might be the only person in America who is better off now than she was four years ago.
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From Bill Maher:
Gallup had Romney ahead today by 7 points nationally. Big Bird was depressed, he was just pecking at his food.
Obama is still ahead in the swing states and among women. He is of course losing among men and in any states were you can buy the Confederate flag in a mall.
This week's debate format was a little different. First of all, there were two debaters. – on the second presidential debate
Obama raised his game, so Romney thought he had to bump up his game even more, so he kind of looked like a prick. At one point he said to the President of the United States, 'Hang on, you'll get your chance.' You should not be surprised, the Mormon church has been saying this to black people for decades.
The Mormons had good news today. Billy Graham, who is 112, has taken Mormonism off his website's list of cults. This is typical of Christian right's stance on Mitt Romney. They still believe he will go to Hell for all eternity but in this life, they'd like a tax cut.
Mitt Romney said he had binders of women made up. But first of all, who else keeps binders of women? Serial killers. Every serial killer movie, the cops bust into the serial killer's lair and what do they find? Binders of women…and then they open the freezer and a head falls out.
He never answered the question about equal pay for women. An anecdote in not a policy. When asked about equal pay, he said he supports women in the workforce. This is like being asked about ending slavery, and saying, 'I'm wearing cotton right now.'
Today Joe Walsh, the douchebag congressman from Illinois said abortion to save the life of a mother, that's just an excuse. He said modern technology and science make it so you cannot find one instance where there's dying in child birth. Ladies, before Election Day comes, ask your doctor if the Tea Party is right for you.
The part of the debate I thought was most telling was when Mitt Romney claimed that Obama did not call the Benghazi attack in September an act of terror until two weeks later. And then Obama said, 'Check the transcript, asshole.' And then Candy Crowley, the moderator, came in and said, 'Yes, I was there, it's true, he did call it that.' Well, Fox News was pissed off about this. They said, 'We have seen a lot of low-down dirty debate tricks, but introducing facts!' And Mitt Romney was furious. He was so mad at Candy Crowley, he took her right out of his lady binder.
Most of the people who will be disenfranchised are black, Latino, young people; basically anyone that can dance." – on voter fraud laws
Look how happy old grampa Joe Biden's made liberals! Last night he ate Eddie Munster's lunch. – on the vice presidential debate
I thought Biden was awesome. During the whole debate, I kept thinking to myself, 'I hope he keeps that very nice sleepy black guy on the ticket.'
I am still not over that last presidential debate and how Obama performed. I have not seen a Democratic president look that complacent and entitled since Clinton made Monica blow him while he was on the phone.
Liberals were freaking out this week and they were borderline suicidal, which is tough on them because when you lock yourself in the garage with the Prius running, nothing happens.
People like treats around the clock just like pets!
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It was reported today that Lindsay Lohan is leaning toward Romney, and she also said she might vote for him.
Yesterday was National Coming Out Day, a day set aside for people to embrace and announce who they really are. Your move, Mitt Romney.
Romney took two different sides on abortion within 24 hours this week. There are shorter waiting periods for actual abortions.
But in his defense, the abortion issue is very personal to Mitt Romney. His own mother considered not having him when doctors told her he would be born heartless and spineless.
Isn't is amazing? All Moderate Mitt had to do was change his long-held views on everything that he's ever said. Now he believes whatever you believe, and the polls show we like that. Forget integrity. Forget courage. What we want is a president who is 100 percent our bitch.
One example: Mitt Romney was against gay rights, then he was for them, now he's against them again. Or as it's known in political circles, the Andersen Cooper 360.
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New job numbers came out today. Unemployment went way down from 8 percent to 7.8 percent. Of course, a lot of this was because of the ever-expanding industry of Mitt Romneyfact checkers.
Obama's wedding anniversary was Wednesday and that was the same day as the debate. He apparently ahd the sex first and was completely spent, had nothing left.
Romney looked like the big winner, and Obama looked like the Big Lebowski.
Now we know what Romney looks like when he is all charged up. And now we know what Michael Jackson looks like on diprivan.
I'm sorry, Obama sucked. He looked tired. He had trouble getting his answers out. It's like he took my million and spent it all on weed.
I have not seen a black man look that disinterested and annoyed since I dragged Chris Rock to that Beach Boys concert.
At one point Obama looked do dead, Romney tried to baptize him.
It's Mormon in America again. I haven't seen Romney this energized up since HBO canceled Big Love.'
You got to hand it to Mitt Romney. He was in full command of his bullsh*t. In one single night, he was reborn as this taxing-the-rich, regulation-loving centrist. When these people say they're going to reboot a campaign, they don't just reboot. They erase the hard drive, take it out, and smash it with a hammer.
Mitt Romney is such a different guy, Ann Romney says she no longer has to pretend she's making love to someone else.
I have to tell you, it worked. He shook the Etch-A-Sketch, reversed himself on everything, and now, according to the latest poll, twice as many people think Mitt Romney cares about them. They totally took him back. Today Chris Brown said, 'That mother**ker is good.'
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* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com From Craig Ferguson:
Today is the last presidential debate. It was moderated by newsman Bob Schieffer. I think he did a great job, but gave too much time to 'candidate you disagree with,' and he didn't let 'the guy who should be president' respond to those 'outrageous lies or important points, depending on your point of view.'
Larry King is moderating a presidential debate between third-party candidates on the Internet. That could be awkward. Most Americans have never heard of these candidates. And Larry King has never heard of the Internet.
Everyone on TV has said everything there is to say about the last presidential debate, so there's no political commentary here. Tuning into this show for political commentary is like watching Bravo to learn about sports. Or like going to Larry King for marital advice.
Everybody is talking about the presidential debate. The second debate was on earlier tonight. I liked the part when Mitt Romney said 'Boooo, China.' And Obama was like, 'Yay, old people.'
Apparently Mitt Romney wants to limit his appearances to places where no one will attack his positions. You know, like the debates.
Michelle Obama won Family Circle's bake-off with her chocolate chip cookies. Hasn't she spent the last four years leading a crusade against sugary treats? She's contradicting her own position. Maybe she should be the one running for office.
Ann Romney's entry into the bake-off was something called 'M&M Treats.' Sounds tasty. But some people said they came out boring and hard to swallow. I'm like, 'Oh, no, that's her husband.'
There seems to still be sexism in politics. You still see candidates objectified. I'm talking about you, Paul Ryan – with your great abs and suspiciously good marathon times.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's book is out today. Arnold's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife. That's why it's a million pages long.
The part of the book everyone's going to skip to is the part where he talks about the maid and the love child. He says he didn't think the kid was his at first – mostly because the kid could speak English.
Arnold says in the book cheating on Maria was the stupidest thing he ever did. Excuse me, but I saw 'Jingle All the Way.'
Despite the scandal, Schwarzenegger was a popular governor. So popular that Republicans wanted to repeal the natural-born citizen law that prevented him from running for president. So a president born in Austria would have been OK, but a president born in Kenya – NO!
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* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com From Seth Meyers:
A new Gallup poll shows that Mitt Romney now has a 7 point lead on President Obama. That's right, Romney leads by 7 points among people who still answer landline calls from a blocked number.
Both Republicans and Democrats are saying that Latino voters will decide who wins in three key states, Colorado, Florida and Nevada. Or as the candidates are now calling them Colorado, Florida y Nevada.
Reality TV star Honey Boo Boo this week endorsed President Obama during an appearance on the Jimmy Kimmel Show. I knew Obama was pro-birth control, but I didn't know birth control was pro-Obama.
Congressman Ryan prepared for Thursday's debate by studying policy and holding practice debates, and I think Biden prepared by shot gunning Red Bull and watching Yosemite Sam cartoons.
During Thursday's debate Vice President Biden repeatedly criticized Paul Ryan's statements calling them a 'bunch of stuff.' In fairness, 'a bunch of stuff' is the entire text of the Romney/Ryan economic plan.
Mitt Romney on Tuesday once again tried to distance himself from his infamous 47 percent comments, saying, 'the words that came out were not what I meant.' And if that sounds like a good excuse to you, try it on your girlfriend.
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* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com In an interview Wednesday Mitt Romney, who had previously stated he would not introduce legislation limiting abortion, vowed that he would still be a 'pro-life president.' Which makes sense because Romney defines 'life' as anybody making over 250,000 dollars a year.
During Wednesday's debate Mitt Romney said that even though he likes Big Bird, if elected he would stop the subsidy to PBS – it's a surprising threat considering that 'Mitt' is such an excellent Muppet name. – Seth Meyers on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
Romney went on to say if elected he would no longer borrow money from China to pay for PBS. China funds PBS? I guess that explains why this week's Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter this.
According to Nielson numbers, more than 70 million people watched Wednesday's debate either on TV, online, or from one of the podiums.
In an interview promoting his new tell-all, Arnold Schwarzenegger said his marriage to Maria Shriver fell apart because of him and that he hopes to one day win her back. And what better way to win back her love back than to write a book about all the times you tricked her?
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