From Denny: Tomorrow night the big political match-up between the flip-flopping challenger Republican Mitt Romney and incumbent Democratic President Barack Obama will be nationally televised. So far to date, Romney senior advisers have whined about the political polls incorrectly lean toward people identifying themselves as Democrats.
What's the matter? Find your Republican base eroding? Even here in former red state Louisiana droves of people no longer identify with the Republican Party and now list themselves as Independents. If the Democrats actually got serious about making their case more Independents would sign on into the Democrat camp permanently.
More weird in this odd campaign, Romney sends out his wife to whine to the press about "how hard it is" to run for President. Oh, please, watch the millionaire's wife bitch about working for a few short interview stints and campaign rallies. How about all the people bitching as to why their pension funds are sitting in the Romney personal account because of his corporate raider ways? Last time we all checked that's called "ill gotten gains."
Then Romney decides to disrespect the entire half of America, much of his voter base. Romney spurred new satirical t-shirts about Romney's labeling "the 47 percent" as co-dependent upon government and total users. Never mind that the elderly, the disabled veterans, working class people struggling to survive and loads of children were found to be living in that 47 percent. What a gaffe.
Now the two campaigns are sparring about preparing zingers for the first debate tomorrow night. That should be rich. Can all of you imagine excessively socially awkward Romney attempting sarcastic, or worse, comedic timing? Does he really think President Obama will play his personal punching bag?
Obama may be a lot of things but one thing he isn't is socially awkward. He also thinks well on his feet most of the time, especially in a one-on-one competition. Obama has also grown some in his four years in office. Romney's campaign will under estimate Obama, only to regret it.
Obama? He would do well to figure out how to lip sync President Bill Clinton's 2012 DNC speech in summary form. Why? Because that's the only way to pull his butt out of the voter firing squad, angry about the economy and bad jobs situation. The polls have tightened up so much it's time to remind the voters of the Clinton Big Brain's ability to reframe the facts and accomplishments. Stay tuned. This debate should be very entertaining.
Meanwhile, check out the late night comics' jokes about this 2012 election. And these are just the collection of political jokes about what has happened in the month of September. The photo shop guys had a field day with the Romney and Ryan gaffes. Plenty of funny photos sure to give you a smile. Oh, yeah, and I just had to add my own bumper sticker:
Romney-Ryan: Stupid on Steroids. Open mouth; insert foot. Lose election. It really is that simple.
From Jay Leno:
Well, last week in Vermont, the guy from the Dos Equis beer commercials -- you know "the most interesting man in the world" -- he hosted a fundraiser for President Obama. See, that shows you how things have changed. Four years ago the slogan was hope and change. Now it’s 'stay thirsty my friends.'
At a concert the other night, Madonna promised fans that she will strip naked if President Obama is reelected. Is it just me, or does that sound like an endorsement for Mitt Romney?
Let me tell you how crazy Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is. Today he actually defended the NFL's replacement refs.
President Obama is so confident that he's thinking about letting Joe Biden start speaking again.
A new survey shows how much time we waste every day. For example, we waste seven minutes in line waiting for coffee, 28 minutes getting through airport security, and four years waiting for President Obama to do something about the economy.
Paul Ryan now says that President Obama's foreign policy has 'blown up in his face' and it's time to go back to the Republican foreign policy. Well, let's see, Obama kept Guantanamo Bay open, the troops are still overseas, and the Middle East hates us. Isn't that the Republican foreign policy?
In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying — that if we want real change, we should throw him out?
Obama has gone from 'Yes we can.' to 'I'm sorry. No one can.'
Congratulations to both Mitt Romney and President Obama. They both won Emmys for their performance on "60 Minutes" last night. Obama won for acting as if everything has gotten better over the last four years, and Romney won for pretending to care about that other 47 percent.
The president's re-election campaign slogan is "Forward," which is also his policy on paying for stuff.
A woman in Tampa, Florida, who is in danger of being foreclosed on, put a giant sign on her roof reading, "Obama, please save my home." To which Obama said, "Hey lady, I'm trying not to get thrown out of my own house, OK?
A new book claims the reason Texas Gov. Rick Perry did so terrible in the debates and forgot everything was due to a sleep disorder. Apparently the disorder was he slept through grade school, high school and college.
Monica Lewinsky is writing a memoir about her affair with Bill Clinton. Not a moment too soon. According to reports, she will reveal that he wanted to have a threesome. So despite being a Rhodes Scholar, despite being president of the United states, it turns out he's just a regular guy like you and me.
A civil rights group said that up to 10 million Hispanics could be blocked from voting in the upcoming election because of these changes to the voting laws 10 million. And that's just here in LA.
Mitt Romney's campaign released his 2011 tax return. Democrats still want him to release all his tax returns for the last 10 years. Romney says he can't do it, and he's got a good excuse. He says his dog ate them and then Obama ate the dog.
The economy is so bad, instead of Secret Service protection, the White House is using replacement refs to guard President Obama.
It's been a rough week for Mitt Romney. Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has quit as co-chair of Mitt Romney's presidential campaign. I think the technical term is 'jumping ship.'
I saw a guy today scraping a Romney bumper sticker off his car. It was Paul Ryan.
Political pundits are taking Mitt Romney to task, saying his latest gaffe was not 'presidential.' Vice presidential, sure. That's Joe Biden territory.
Newsweek has a new cover story titled 'Muslim Rage.' Can you believe that? They're still publishing Newsweek.
As part of the strategy for the upcoming presidential debates, the Obama campaign is attempting to lower expectations. And believe, if there's one thing that President Obama is good at lately, it's lowering expectations.
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Mitt Romney said the 47 percent of people who don't pay taxes are going to vote for Obama. You know what that means? He's going to vote for Obama.
If you take the 47 percent that Mitt Romney says pay no taxes and add that to the people who Obama says cling to their guns and religion, that's the whole country right there.
All of these political strategists are trying to explain why Mitt Romney can't seem to get his message out. I'm no strategist but it's hard to talk with both a silver spoon and a foot in your mouth.
A Pakistani man died yesterday after inhaling fumes from burning an American flag. Good! Thank you. See, let me show you how incredible that is. We don't have to defend the American flag. It can defend itself.
"Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan told the crowd at the Values Voter Summit that if President Obama wins, there's no going back. So basically what he said was, once you go black, you can't go back." –Jay Leno
According to the Labor Department, unemployment fell from 8.3 percent to 8.1 percent last month. But that's because 368,000 Americans gave up looking for work. Today, President Obama said that's a step in the right direction, and he is encouraging more Americans to give up looking for work.
Anti-American crowds have been protesting and burning American flags over that anti-Islamic film. And the U.S. is now bracing for more protests next week when the film comes out on Blu-ray.
I'm watching the news, and I see these protesters in countries like Egypt, Afghanistan, Tunisia. They're all burning American flags. Where are they getting all these flags? If you hate us so much, how do you have a large supply of flags on hand?
All over the world people are chanting, 'Death to America.' Except in China, where they're chanting, 'Not until we get our money back.'
Last night in his speech President Obama invoked FDR. Then he saw the unemployment numbers and invoked WTF.
It seems only 96,000 jobs were added last month. And half of those were strippers working the conventions.
When it came to 'hope' and 'change' President Obama told the crowd, 'You were the change.' And then the crowd said, 'Hey don't blame us. You were supposed to be the change! I just voted. Why is it my fault?'
Did you all hear Al Gore speak at the Democratic convention? He said, 'Hot dogs, peanuts, cold drinks!'
The economy is so bad, I saw Mitt Romney at the supermarket buying Lobster Helper.
The economy is so bad, Clint Eastwood talked to a chair while going through the cushions looking for spare change.
Both conventions are over, and if you watched, I think it's pretty clear who should be the next president of the United States – Bill Clinton. He was unbelievable. According to Democrats, he won the election for Obama, he helped the cowboys beat the Giants, and he even had time to go to Hooters afterward.
Bill Clinton said that President Obama inherited a deeply damaged economy. And if he's re-elected he'll inherit an even more deeply damaged economy.
President Obama's speech was moved from the Bank of America stadium to the Time Warner Cable Arena. They had to move out of the big venue into a smaller place. Like a lot of homeowners in the past four years.
In a related story, Vice President Joe Biden's speech also was moved to a smaller venue – the back room at Denny's, the booth in the corner.
We got some bad economic news. The United States has slipped further down the global ranking of the world's most competitive economies. We're now #7. Switzerland is number one. Romney said, 'See, that's why I keep my money there.'
Computer hackers claim to have stolen Mitt Romney's tax returns and are willing to leak them publicly unless the Romney campaign agrees to pay them $1 million. This is such an unethical money-making scheme that Mitt Romney said he was quite impressed. 'I could use these guys at Bain Capital.'
The signature question of this presidential campaign is, "Are you better off than you were four years ago?" As a comedian, I have to say no. I miss Bush and Cheney; they were the golden age. I wish they were here. I am not better off.
It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill Clinton's shadow.
The stoner comedy duo Harold and Kumar are starring in a new promo for the Democratic convention alongside President Obama, which is pretty impressive. The only other person to go from smoking pot with buddies to the White House is President Obama.
President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough to tell where people live.
In his speech last night, San Antonio Mayor Julian Castro said that Mitt Romney has no idea how good he's had it. I don't think that's true. I think Mitt Romney knows how good he's had it. He just doesn't want us to know how good he's had it.
They announced today that they are moving President Obama's speech tomorrow night indoors, from the 74,000-seat stadium to a smaller venue due to the possibility of severe weather. See, apparently the campaign is concerned about this well-known weather phenomenon known as empty seats.
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Apparently last week the Republicans had originally planned to have a Ronald Reagan three-dimensional hologram speak at the Republican convention. They decided against it. I guess they were concerned that Reagan would come across as more life-like that Mitt Romney.
The Democratic Convention began tonight. What a difference four years makes. Last time the theme was 'Hope and change.' This year the theme is 'Hope you don’t make a change.'
The first two nights of the Democratic convention are at the Time Warner Cable Arena and the big speech by President Obama will be at the Bank of America Stadium. That’s good thinking, the two things Americans love most: cable companies and banks.
Much like the Republicans, the Democrats are also going to have a mystery speaker. I believe it's Mitt Romney's dog.
Two California Democratic delegates have already been kicked out of convention for getting completely drunk. One passed out, the other was accused of impersonating a member of Congress. They knew he wasn't a real member of Congress because he was buying his own drinks with his money.
I’m very excited; we have Ron Paul on the show tonight. Unlike the Republicans, we're actually going to let him speak.
That had to be rough for Ron Paul. You run for president, you win a bunch of delegates, and not only is he not allowed to speak but he couldn’t even sit down because they gave his chair to Clint Eastwood.
From Seth Meyers:
Mitt Romney on Friday released his 2011 tax returns, which showed he paid 14 percent rate, so just a little less than what restaurants add on for parties of six or more.
The 14 percent tax rate Romney paid is less than the 20 percent paid by the average American. How does he pay such a low rate? He claims 47 percent of Americans as dependents.
In an interview Thursday, Ann Romney responded to criticism of her husband's presidential campaign, saying, 'Stop it. This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring.' In response, the interviewer entered the race, and is leading Mitt Romney by five points.
Obama came out and said, 'Hey, I can't change Washington from the inside.' I'm not saying what you said isn't true. I'm saying, why are you saying anything during this Romney tailspin? … Don't make this hard on yourself – you're like the criminal that gets away with murder and then starts sending the cops puzzles to figure it out. Also, on a pure entertainment level, don't do anything to take the focus off the Romney follies – their campaign is getting crazier than the last season of 'Lost.'
A new poll shows that after the Democratic National Convention, President Obama got a four-point bounce in the polls, which means that's he's now only five points behind Bill Clinton.
Obama joked this week that Bill Clinton, who has been campaigning for him, should be appointed to the role of Secretary of Explaining Stuff. Hey, you know what's another good name for that position? President.
In a recent promotion, Mitt Romney is offering donors a chance to win a ride on his campaign plane. But if you know how Mitt Romney travels, this is one contest you don't want to win." (on screen: a picture of someone strapped to the roof of his plane)
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From Bill Maher:
They taped Mitt Romney explaining his positions in a roomful of rich scumbags, I'm sorry, I meant heroic job creators. And he said 47 percent of Americans are basically welfare bums who are mooching off the government. And he said, 'My job is not to worry about those people.' You know, where do people get the stuff that Mitt Romney is a heartless, calculating c**ksucker?
This tape is like so incriminating. Everything that liberals suspect mitt Romney says behind closed doors, now there's a tape of Mitt Romney saying that exactly behind closed doors. It's like if Republicans had a tape of Obama where he was reading Karl Marx with a highlighter while forging a birth certificate and getting blown by Cleopatra Jones.
Polls show Obama is now pulling away Mitt Romney. What could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?
Even Republicans are now tiptoeing way from Mitt Romney. They're very upset about this video. They say it shows Romney doing something very stupid: expressing the core beliefs of the Republican Party publicly.
At this point he kind of has to own it. His new campaign slogan is: 'Get out of my sight, America, you make me sick.'
It's gotten so bad for poor Mitt Romney that Tim Pawlenty – he was the co-chair of Mitt's campaign – he resigned. Isn't that kind of the ultimate sign that your campaign is in trouble, when Tim Pawlenty is afraid you'll make him look like a loser?
It's nice to know that no matter how bad things get in the Middle East, Mitt Romney is always there to make them worse. You saw him this week when our embassies were under attack, before any facts were in he tried to score political points because he sees everything as a business opportunity. This is a man who would sell ad time during a moment of silence.
A lot of Republicans are blaming Obama for all of this because he's weak. Right, you know what, if we were attacked in Egypt, Libya, and Yemen, George Bush would know what to do. Invade Iraq.
Mitt Romney went on live with Kelly and Michael and tried to answer these hardball questions. He was asked what he wears to bed. He said, 'as little as possible." Wow, there's a switch, Romney giving too much information.
He told us all about their sex life. Sometimes he and Ann turn off the lights and play 'find my tax returns.'
The conventions were so different. The Democrats finally look like a real political party; theRepublicans look like a seminar for how to flip real estate for Jesus.
The Democratic convention looked like the America I see when I walk down the street. The Republican convention looked like 'Antiques Roadshow.'
President Obama spoke last night. The speech must have been pretty good because todayClint Eastwood said he was voting for the chair.
Did you see that Bill Clinton speech? One by one he picked apart and destroyed every claim of the Romney-Ryan campaign. In fact, today Todd Akin said it qualified as a legitimate rape.
Of course, it made the Republicans furious. They said, 'No fair. Not everyone has an ex-president who can speak.'
Clinton was just devastating in his simplicity. He said, 'I came from a place where people still thought 2 and 2 was four.' And over at Fox News they said, 'Get the fact checkers on that.'
Clinton killed them with one word: arithmetic. He said Republicans lack skills in arithmetic, which by the way, is not fair to Sarah Palin because if there's one thing her family has proved it can do is multiply.
It really was a dream night for Bill Clinton – Democrats in love with him, hanging on his every word, Hillary was in China 10,000 miles away. We don't even know if she saw the speech. In fact, someone said to her today, 'Did you catch Bill in Charlotte?' And he said, 'Who's Charlotte?'
When you look at the two conventions, the speeches at the Democratic convention were just better. Go back and watch Mitt Romney. After seeing Michele Obama speak, and Bill Clinton speak, and the president speak, it's like watching an armless guy paint with his ass.
From David Letterman:
The U.N. has opened up. Leaders of countries from all over the world have come here. They have diplomatic immunity so they can do stuff and get away with it. It's like Lindsay Lohan.
The president of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is here. He hates Jewish people, he hates gay people. And I thought, well, he's come to the right place.
Ahmadinejad is always shooting his mouth off, ranting about this, ranting about that. I said to myself, 'I bet this guy's always in a bad mah-mood.'
Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. This is the guy that's going to fix our economy?
Mitt is out now riding on a bus. I think it's his first time riding on a bus. He's trying to show the world that he's s regular guy, and he's taking a bus tour. It's just like the Willie Nelson bus, except on Mitt's bus, the brownies are brownies.
Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is always angry. Yesterday he said, however, that in fact he does not hate gay people. He went on to say that Iran is on its way to developing one of its own.
Here's another blow to the Romney campaign. Earlier today, that empty chair endorsed Obama.
Mitt Romney is doing what he can. He's trying very hard. He wants to unite America, the rich with the wealthy, the poor with the indigent, and the white with the Caucasian.
The presidential debates begin on Wednesday. Romney has taken two days off to prepare. They're going to have practice debates. They're going to do that for two days, and another full day of spray tanning, and he'll be ready to go.
These debates are tightly controlled. Each side, Obama and Romney, had to agree to 32 pages of rules. It's like being a Kardashian husband.
It's Fall. Unless you're Mitt Romney, and then it's freefall.
Mitt Romney says that about half the country is freeloaders. And freeloaders – that includes wealthy politicians who only pay 13 percent in tax.
I like Mitt. Listen to this. He has alienated the young people, alienated the old people, alienated women, alienated minorities, alienated gays. I'm telling you, this takes talent.
It's Opening Day of the U.N in New York...Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is here. He says he hates gay people and he hates Jews. Boy is he in the wrong town.
You know who's a big supporter of President Obama? Scarlett Johansson. I think I'll wait until I hear what Katherine Heigl has to say.
Happy birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who is 50 years old. They had a cake for him. He blew out the candles and then he wished for another cake.
The Republican Convention ended on Thursday. The Democratic Convention began last night. In between was a travel day for hookers.
Did you watch the speech by Michelle Obama at the Convention Tuesday night? It was powerful, it was exhilarating, it was thrilling, it was motivating. At the end of the speech I thought to, 'Whoa, she can do much better than him.'
Last week at the Republican convention, no one mentioned the Tea Party. And listen to this, if it wasn't for Ann Romney, no one at the Republican convention would have mentioned Mitt.
If Mitt Romney looks familiar it's because for 18 years on All My Children he played Palmer Courtland.
Mitt looks like every model in the Sky Mall catalogue.
Bill Clinton will be at the Democratic convention. Say what you will, but Clinton is still polling very well. I tell you, sometimes these jokes just write themselves.
Outside it's like 82 and cloudy – like Clint Eastwood.
Did you have a nice Labor Day? It's the day we honor the American worker. When I say an American worker, I mean an 8-year-old kid in China.
President Obama is spending his free time in the White House making beer, and apparently the beer is so good that the White House is now releasing the recipe. Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney will be releasing his own recipe for root beer.
I wish somebody would release the recipe for fixing the economy.
Former President Bill Clinton will be in Charlotte tomorrow night. And he'll also be at the convention.
From Conan O'Brien:
At a recent concert, Madonna told the audience she would strip naked if President Obama is re-elected. In a related story, President Obama is now trailing in the polls by 97 percent.
It's rumored that in a recent Univision interview, Mitt Romney wore makeup to appeal to Latino voters. I can't wait to see Romney's appearance on BET.
A lot of people are commenting that Mitt Romney is looking extremely tan lately. In fact, if Romney gets any darker he's not going to vote for himself.
Mitt Romney said if he had Mexican parents, he'd have a better shot of winning...But unfortunately Romney was tragically held back by being born of rich white people.
Mitt Romney is in Los Angeles today for a fundraiser. So that's one more handsome guy in L.A. auditioning for a role he probably won't get.
Mitt Romney is trailing in the polls. After being accused of being too vague, Romney's campaign team says they will start being more specific. When asked when, they said, 'Soon-ish.'
Arnold Schwarzenegger has written a new book about his affair with his Hispanic housekeeper, and the book is actually called 'Total Recall.' In response, she's written a book about their affair called 'Alien vs. Predator.'
Early this morning in Los Angeles police were involved with a high-speed chase with a suspect drawing a crowd by throwing money out the window. Is it me or is Mitt Romney getting desperate?
In Yemen, a U.S. drone strike has killed al-Qaida's number two leader, the sixth second in command the U.S. has killed. This is one area where Obama can say he definitely is creating jobs.
Over the weekend Mitt Romney made an appearance at a NASCAR race in Virginia. There was an awkward moment when he asked a NASCAR driver why he didn't just hire a chauffeur.
Mitt Romney is not backing down from his statement that America's number one foe is Russia. Then he said America's number one band is Duran Duran and the number one movie is 'The Goonies.'
Yesterday in Florida, President Obama visited a pizzeria. The owner gave the president abear hug and lifted him off his feet. Everybody shared a good laugh and then the Secret Service shot the man in the face.
Mitt Romney released another ad that features Hispanic voters speaking in Spanish. The ad ends with him saying, 'I'm Mitt Romney, and I have no idea what these people are saying.'
Today Scarlett Johansson, Kerry Washington, and Eva Longoria all spoke at the Democratic convention. This means that Obama has all about clinched the crucial 13-year-old boy vote.This morning Tom Brokaw had to be taken to the hospital after accidentally taking an Ambien sleeping pill. And tonight he was taken to the hospital again after accidentally listening to a speech by Joe Biden.
At the Democratic National Convention, two of the speakers were identical twin brothers, Joaquin and Julian Castro. Apparently promising identical twins was the only way to get Bill Clinton to show up. Man, was he disappointed.
Today, the Democrats added the word 'God' to the official party platform. It's in the part that reads, 'Did you see Michelle Obama's biceps. Oh, my God!'
Michelle Obama said the first car Barack picked her up in was so old, you could see ground below them. Today, Ann Romney said the same thing about Mitt's first helicopter.
In her speech, First Lady Michelle Obama said her husband has dinner with his girls where they strategize about middle school relationship. Which explains why today the Pentagon ordered a drone strike on that lying bitch Ashley." –Conan O'Brien
It's been reported that one of the surprise speakers at the Democratic convention is going to be Scarlett Johansson. For her speech , she'll be talking to an empty chair and telling it, 'Hey, my eyes are up here!
A fun fact: At this year's Democratic convention, eight percent of the delegates are gay, a historic record. This will be the first time a presidential candidate will be nominated by a show of jazz hands.
If you're a donor to President Obama's campaign, you were promised exclusive access to Joe Biden – and for an extra $10,000 absolutely no access to Joe Biden.
Chuck Norris said that if President Obama is re-elected it will lead 'to a thousand years of darkness.' Then he said if Mitt Romney wins, it will lead to four years of extreme whiteness.
The Republicans are really going after Obama. They asked, 'Are you better off now than you were four years ago?' Americans said 'No, we're worse off because we never heard of Honey Boo Boo.'
From Jimmy Fallon:
A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent.
Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “Trouble with the Curve,” opened in third place this weekend after making only $12 million. Of course, when he saw a movie theater had so many empty seats, Eastwood was like, 'Look at these crowds!'
Mitt Romney's campaign said Obama is spiking the ball too early in Ohio after recent polls show Obama pulling ahead. Obama hasn't earned that win yet, which is why today the NFL replacement refs just gave it to him anyway.
A new poll found that Mitt Romney is behind in Florida by 1 percent. Which is weird because if there’s one group that loves Romney, it’s definitely the 1 percent.
Clint Eastwood’s new movie, “Trouble with the Curve,” opened in third place this weekend after making only $12 million. Of course, when he saw a movie theater had so many empty seats, Eastwood was like, 'Look at these crowds!'
With the first presidential debate less than a week away, both the Obama camp and Romney camp are being careful not to overhype their candidates. They're asking voters to lower their expectations and not get too excited. Or as voters put it, 'Way ahead of you. Don't worry about that.'
There's a man who actually went to high school with Mitt Romney and later went to law school with President Obama. When asked how going to school with two presidential candidates made him feel, he said, 'Uh, bad about my job at Arby's.'
Mitt Romney just released a new campaign ad aimed at seniors too. It's called, 'Least we can do' — named after how much he plans on doing for seniors.
New documents show that Mitt Romney's campaign is $11 million in debt. First Romney's advisers had to explain that he was running out of money. Then they had to explain to him what running out of money means.
Romney said he doesn’t watch ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ because if Romney wants to see rich people say dumb things on camera he can watch that fundraiser video.
President Obama is attending a fundraiser in New York hosted by Jay-Z and Beyonce. Michelle is hoping Beyonce will sing 'All the Single Ladies,' while Obama is worried Biden will get up and sing 'Bootylicious.'
On Saturday, Mitt Romney took some time off from campaigning to watch his grandson’s soccer game. Though it got awkward when one team pulled their goalie and Romney was like, 'Look at that – another job lost under President Obama.'
A new CNN poll shows that President Obama now has a six-point lead over Mitt Romney. You can tell Romney's depressed – last night he just sat on his couch and bought the Häagen-Dazs corporation.
A recent poll found that most Americans believe President Obama would be a more loyal friend than Mitt Romney. In other words, Obama is the guy holding your hair back in the bathroom while Romney uploads the drunk photos to Facebook.
Yesterday, Nicki Minaj revealed that in her new song, she only sarcastically endorsed Mitt Romney. Or as Republicans put it, 'Wow, you too?'
Actually, members of Mitt Romney's own party are starting to criticize him for being too vague. When asked if that bothers him, Romney said, 'Maybe.'
Yesterday, Paul Ryan said that he and Mitt Romney won't reveal their tax plan to the public until after the election. Other politicians couldn't believe it. They were like, 'At least do the honorable thing and lie.'
A new poll shows that President Obama has expended his lead over Mitt Romney since the Democratic National Convention. Of course, it didn't help Obama as much as that other event – the Republican National Convention.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is scheduled to address the United Nations on the Jewish holy day of Yom Kippur. That's like the Kardashians giving a speech on Labor Day.
First lady Michelle Obama is receiving praise for the speech she gave last night at the Democratic National Convention. Everyone was impressed. Even Fox News called it 'not the worst.'
Actually, President Obama's speech at the DNC has been moved inside to the Time Warner Arena. You can tell it's Time Warner because Obama will give the speech two weeks from Friday, between the hours of 12 and 4.
Today was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, N.C. They’re going all out to make sure it tops last week’s Republican convention. In fact, I heard at this one they’re going to have Clint Eastwood yell at a couch.
There are reports that nine of the hotels being used for politicians at the Democratic National Convention have bedbugs. When asked what it’s like to have to deal with thousands of ruthless bloodsuckers, the bedbugs were like, 'Eh, it’s OK.'" –Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend, a chef in Minnesota created the world’s largest bacon cheeseburger, weighing in at over 2,000 pounds. And if you want to hear what it tasted like, you’ll just have to wait until I interview Chris Christie.
From Craig Ferguson:
A new poll says 75 percent of Americans feel little or no personal connection to Mitt Romney. And it gets worse. The poll was of his family.
Over the weekend, Vice President Joe Biden hung out with a biker gang in Ohio. I don't know if that's wise. It's not always a good idea to be associating with shady characters. So next time, think twice, bikers.
There was a big shakeup on 'American Idol.' There is still a vacant judge's seat. The producers are in a great hurry to fill the empty seat before Clint Eastwood shows up and starts yelling at it.
Everyone is still talking about Bill Clinton's speech last night in Charlotte. It was a remarkable speech, 45 minutes long and 6,000 words. Like the political version of the guitar solo from 'Freebird.'
The president of Iran is in New York today. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is visiting the U.N. He's been in America one day and he's already surged past Mitt Romney in the polls.
The Democratic National Convention is under way. For three days in Charlotte, N.C., everything the Democrats do is good. And everything Republicans do is evil. It doesn't bother me. I live in Hollywood. It is like that here every day.
Former Democratic nominee John Kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy. It will be like Clint Eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience.
I hope they go easy on Clint Eastwood. It wasn't his best performance last week at the Republican convention, but he's given us decades of great films. So Democrats, if you're looking to mock Mitt Romney by dragging an inanimate object out onto the stage, why not just use Mitt Romney?
From Stephen Colbert:
Republican parties don't last long once the black guy shows up.
I lost the Emmy. Speaking of losing – Mitt Romney.
The latest Quinnipiac, New York Times, CBS, TCBY poll has Obama up by 10 points in Ohio, 9 points in Florida, and 12 points in Pennsylvania. I don't get it. How could Romney be behind? He's so popular, fans are releasing bootlegs of his speeches.
God is three undecided voters: the father, the son and the holy spirit. You gotta figure the son is leaning Obama, what with the long hair, and the loaf and fish handouts to the poor. Get a job, hippie!
Can prayer save this election? Picking Paul Ryan was certainly a hail Mary.
There are 40 days left until the election. A lot can happen in 40 days -- Obama can make a gaffe, Mitt could win the debates, God can send a flood to destroy all mankind. So, there's hope.
What are they talking about? Romney has given some very specific figures. For instance, he is willing to piss off exactly 47% of the voters.
Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
It is high time that the GOP stop trying to appeal to smart people – and letting Rick Santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start." – on Santorum's remarks that "smart people will never be on our side."
Yes, President Romney will not take God off our coins. And that is so important because right now, just like God, the value of our currency really has to be taken on faith.
It is high time that the GOP stop trying to appeal to smart people – and letting Rick Santorum in front of a microphone is a great place to start." – on Santorum's remarks that "smart people will never be on our side."
Mitt, you just keep demanding that Americans answer the question: are you better off than you were four years ago? But just don't answer it yourself, cause that would mean releasing more than two years of tax returns.
But Paul, my man, be smart about this. You keep stretching the truth about things that anyone can look up on the internet .... check yourself before you wreck yourself.
From Jimmy Kimmel:
Today is the one-year anniversary of occupying Wall Street protests. Remember those? They stomped out greed forever.
Mitt Romney was here meeting with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He's looking for a housekeeper for his place in La Jolla.
Mitt Romney was on 'Live With Kelly and Michael.' At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes.
Mitt also admitted on the show that his guilty pleasures are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk. Even his guilty pleasures are boring.
Mitt Romney was here meeting with the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce. He's looking for a housekeeper for his place in La Jolla.
Mitt Romney was on 'Live With Kelly and Michael.' At one point Mitt was asked what he wears to bed. He said as little as possible. It's the same philosophy that Mitt has in regard to paying taxes.
Mitt also admitted on the show that his guilty pleasures are peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chocolate milk. Even his guilty pleasures are boring.
Snoop Dogg has endorsed Barack Obama's re-election campaign. He also endorsed Samoa Girl Scout cookies.
Snoop made a compelling argument for a person who will probably not remember to vote.
I'm a little surprised. I've always known Snoop to have his mind on his money and his money on his mind, and that's more of a Mitt Romney thing.
There's a lot going on tonight. The first NFL game tonight, the Democratic National Convention, a new episode of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Everything that we are as a nation is all rolled up into one tonight.
On Saturday the White House released President Obama's personal recipe for a home-brewed beer. That's how bad the economy is. Not only is our president drinking, he's drinking beer he made in his bathtub.
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