Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Funny Late Nite Jokes About GOP Rick Santorum

From Denny:  At the beginning of this leap year month it was "Rick Santorum -who?!"  In just the past two weeks he climbed the GOP primary charts.  With that sudden rise in popularity came the late night jokes to prove he was noticed by national voters.  

Of course, never mind he achieved that notice by screaming out the most weirdo conservative positions.  He took a page out of the Gingrich Playbook.  If it worked for him, maybe it would work for Santorum.  Then came the rambling undisciplined speeches from Santorum that left the voters wondering what he said.  Republican political strategists wildly started pulling out their already thinning hair at the notion of Santorum making it to their convention.

Forget my fellow journalists. The best guys to vett any political candidates are the comedians in my book.  Since I'm the publishing and journalism industry's dreaded hybrid they have yet to catch up to or understand, - a journalist blogger - I'm delivering the unvarnished truth to my loyal readers with a dash of spicy opinion and a liberal dose of humor.  After all, who said we can't enjoy some funnies along with our consideration of who we will consider not voting for in the November election?

Check out the comics' view of this GOP candidate, Rick Santorum (former Senator - PA)

From Jay Leno:

Santorum says that Satan has his sights set on the United States of America. And today Satan said he tries to avoid politics because it makes him feel dirty.

After the big win Tuesday night, they asked Rick Santorum if he thought his campaign was evolving, but, you know, he doesn't believe in evolution.

Not a good day for Rick Santorum. I haven't seen him this depressed since they invented the birth control pill.

Rick Santorum said today that during his 16 years in Congress, he was an outsider the whole time. You know what? After 16 years, you're not an outsider. You're just unpopular.

Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him. Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.

Rick Santorum says that he is what the Republicans really want. Mitt Romney says now that he knows what Republicans want, he can change to those positions.

This guy Santorum is very conservative. Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't watch a baseball game because there's a pitcher and a catcher.

He is so conservative. When he goes to the market, he skips the household aisle, just to avoid making eye contact with Mr. Clean.

He is so conservative that he won't masturbate because it involves sex with a guy." –Jay Leno

Rick Santorum also said that global warming is politics, not science. And he said he'll defend that position to the edge of the earth. "If I have to fall off..." 

This guy is really conservative. In fact, Rick Santorum is so conservative he won't even go down on an escalator.

He's so conservative he wants ballpark franks to stop plumping when you cook 'em. That's how conservative.

Santorum says that if he's elected, he's going to leave the interns alone and just screw the American people directly.

In fact, Santorum is so conservative he won't even let the UPS guy handle his package. That's how conservative.

You think he's bad... Rick Santorum is so anti-gay, he doesn't even want pirates touching their own booty.

Rick Santorum is so conservative that when he goes to KFC, he only orders the right wings.

This guy is so anti-gay, he won't even eat a Hershey bar if it has nuts.

Rick Santorum is so conservative, he thinks a Labradoodle is a result of interracial marriage.

How conservative is he? This guy won't even take soda in the can.

Rick Santorum's tax returns show that last year, he paid doubled the tax rate that Mitt Romney paid. Romney is much more clever with the deductions. He writes off poor people.

Rick Santorum is conservative; he's so conservative he won't even use weed whacker. That's how conservative.

Rick Santorum is so conservative that after his last colonoscopy he went to confession. That's how bad.

He is so conservative he thinks male bankers should only screw over female customers. That's how bad.

He's so conservative he won't even go to Home Depot to get wood. That's how bad.

He is so conservative he won't even acknowledge the planet Uranus. That's how bad.

You know a really sad thing about Valentine's Day? Some people can't have the person they really love, so they settle for someone else. But enough about the Republicans and Mitt Romney.

The vice president of China showed up at the White House today. That's what happens when you get behind on the rent. The landlord shows up, starts looking around.

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He got an honorary Grammy for best spoken word for being able to speak out of both sides of his mouth at the same time.

President Obama has compromised with the Catholic Church on this whole birth-control issue. The White House's new position? Just have sex and pray for the best.

From David Letterman:

Rick Santorum now says he's against separation of church and state. But he's not against separation of sweaters and sleeves.

Mitt Romney has been the front-runner from day one but nobody likes Mitt Romney because he's not kooky enough.

They're looking for somebody kookier so Rick Santorum is a pretty good choice. He does not believe in birth control. Does not believe in global warming. Does not believe in long-sleeve sweaters.

Rick Santorum thinks that global warming, climate change, is a hoax. Let me ask you something, Rick. If you think global warming and climate change is a hoax, how do you explain those sleeveless sweaters? 

Rick Santorum is saying the kids that go to college are snobs. Rick Santorum has a new program for children. It's called Every Child Left Behind.

The latest polls show Romney and Rick Santorum neck and neck. Not to be confused with Newt Gingrich, who is shown in the polls as chin to chin.

The band Megadeth has endorsed Rick Santorum. I think I'm going to wait and see who Metallica likes.

They’re saying now it looks like the state of Michigan is swinging toward Rick Santorum. And I think if there’s a word that best describes Rick, it’s ‘swinging.’

I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, ‘For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing. Terrorists, what they fear most is a guy in a sweater vest.’

They’re saying now that Rick Santorum is gaining momentum because he’s not Romney. And Mitt Romney was furious. He replied, ‘Well, I can do that.” 

Rick Santorum looks like a guy running for student council.

Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.

Each year, Mitt Romney celebrates Valentine's Day by spending a romantic evening in front of the mirror.

Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum are both against gay marriage. Really, against gay marriage? I tell you, the problem with this is they’d make such a cute couple.

Newt Gingrich is against same-sex marriage. Well, actually, he's against same-marriage sex.

Mitt Romney loves Valentine's Day. Today he sent a dozen long-stemmed red roses to his money.

Four of us are married to Newt – from the Top Ten Reasons This Year's "Sports Illustrated" Swimsuit Issue Is The Best One Ever, as presented by the models on the Late Show With David Letterman

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Rick Santorum said he believes that Satan has his sights on America. Apparently Satan is still upset about the time he went down to Georgia and lost that fiddle. 

Rick Santorum's approval rating is 33 percent. His sweater vest comes in at 17 percent.

Part of me thinks that Rick Santorum is running for president just to show his high school crush she should have gone to the prom with him.

He even called global warming a hoax, which is no surprise, coming from a guy who is clearly in the pocket of big sweater vests.

Rick Santorum has been surging in the polls lately. Apparently voters are responding to his message of no birth control and public schools.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Today is Ash Wednesday, and all over the country people are giving things up for Lent. In my opinion, Rick Santorum should give up chocolate while Newt Gingrich should give up, stop — that’s it, he should just give up.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account.

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’

Happy Valentine’s Day. Everyone on the campaign trail is celebrating with their sweetheart. Rick Santorum and his wife Karen, Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista, Mitt Romney and his Swiss bank account.

President Obama urged men to ‘go big’ for Valentine’s Day. In fact, Obama bought Michelle the nicest bracelet China's money can buy.

Some election news. This weekend was the Maine caucuses. And here’s the crazy part — Adele actually won that, too.

Rick Santorum said women might not be suited for military action because their emotions aren't suited for combat. Which can mean only one thing: He’s never seen an episode of ‘The View.’

Rick Santorum scored a hat trick winning in Colorado, Minnesota and Missouri. Newt Gingrichscored a hat trick eating at KFC, Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.

From Conan O'Brien:

As of today, Rick Santorum will be assigned Secret Service agents. This is the first time Santorum has agreed to use any kind of protection.

Rick Santorum picked up an endorsement from the lead singer of the heavy-metal band Megadeth. Santorum is the only candidate who is both pro-life and pro-Megadeth.

Yesterday Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney all said that if elected president they would eliminate porn. In a related story, President Obama has already been re-elected.

It's being reported that Snooki is pregnant. When Rick Santorum heard the news, he immediately came out in favor of birth control.

Mitt Romney has accused Rick Santorum of saying outrageous things just so Santorum can appeal to the most extreme voters. Santorum denied this and said, ‘That's exactly the kind of misrepresentation I'd expect from gay abortion doctor Mitt Romney.

From Jon Stewart:

Rick, I'm sorry that hearing that JFK speech on religion makes you throw up. But if it makes you feel any better, if JFK were alive today, knowing you were running for President would make him s**t his pants.

From Stephen Colbert:

Yeah, what a snob. Obama thinks everybody should go to college like he did. Some of us weren’t handed a ticket to Harvard by being the biracial son of a single mother on food stamps. Must be nice. – Stephen Colbert on Rick Santorum calling Obama a snob for suggesting that kids should go to college 

From Bill Maher:

We have a new frontrunner for the Republicans, Rick Santorum…the little creep that could. 

Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states and got a huge amount of fundraising. That’s the good news for rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling Santorum.

Poor Mitt Romney, he’s got the money, he’s got the organization, he’s got the name recognition. He has one weakness: an inability to get votes.

You can tell that this Santorum surge has Mitt Romney a little rattled. He was at the CPAC Convention today, and he showed up in a sweater vest with a fetus in a jar.

Santorum made a speech and said, ‘If we follow the path of President Obama and his overt hostility to faith in America, then we are heading down the road to the guillotine.’ The guillotine, really? This is why he’s ahead. In one sentence, he hit on all the things they love at the Republican convention: logical fallacies, Obama paranoia, and f*ck the French.

Contraception is back in the news, Planned Parenthood -- issues that have been real losers for Republicans in the past, especially with women. Makes Republicans lose their votes, makes them seem out of touch, but they say, 'We'll worry about that when women get the vote.'

Rick Santorum is against birth control, he’s against ordaining women as priests, he thinks two women kissing is immoral. See, this is the difference between me and Rick Santorum; neither one of us got a lot of dates in high school, but I just didn’t spend the rest of my life taking it out on women.

Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don’t need birth control, you are birth control.

Santorum and Romney, they don’t like condoms because sex should all be about making babies. And Newt Gingrich doesn’t like them because they’re hard for a fat guy to put on in a car.

Rick Santorum released his tax returns this week, and under withholding he wrote oral sex.

Rick Santorum doesn’t like sex. He doesn’t like the pill. He really doesn’t like condoms. He said if men are going to pull something on to prevent procreation, nothing works better that a sweater vest.

From Craig Ferguson:

There are rumors that Mitt Romney will ask Ron Paul to be his running mate. He was originally going to reach out to Rick Santorum. But Rick's not crazy about other dudes reaching out for him.

From Seth Meyers:

Rick Santorum is hoping his three wins in the Republican primaries on Tuesday will postiion him as the conservative alternative to Mitt Romney. And I think that's reflected in his new campaign slogan: the other white meat.

Rick Santorum said he was concerned about the Pentagon's new policy allowing women closer to front-line combat, noting that men would have emotions seeing a woman in harm's way, which I have to say is a compelling case against having men in the military.

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