Monday, July 8, 2013

Funny NSA Leak Jokes, Colbert, Daily Show Videos

The seal of the U.S. National Security Agency....
The seal of the U.S. National Security Agency. The first use was in September 1966, replacing an older seal which was used briefly. For more information, see here and here. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

3 videos.
From Denny:  While our federal government spins out of control we might as well laugh about it, especially since Congress is down to a ten percent approval rating.  Who are those lame folks?  The NSA Leaker Edward Snowden must have some seriously damning evidence about other projects or practices still secret since the government is downright rabies crazy in their pursuit of him.

Why else are the military, the FBI and the State Department all chasing Snowden and bullying any country that even considers giving asylum to him?  I'll bet Snowden does not even realize what he knows - or has in his possession - that is so terrifying for the CYA military and intelligence community (IC) if it were revealed.

Of course, because the Obama government has chosen to go down this stupid road to chase Snowden all over the world like a Where's Waldo episode, proclaiming him a dangerous fellow, it only convinces everyone that America is now a police state where individual rights are no longer honored.  More on that theme tomorrow.

Today, just laugh at how ridiculous this whole situation is when it all could have been handled with wisdom and good sense.  Instead, President Obama took the lowest road because the idiot CYA military generals are zooming him on how any leak will hurt national security.  Well, last time I checked, the sun rose this morning and I'm still here cranking out posts on my keyboard.  Oh, look, Big Brother, no terrorists in my backyard.

Be sure to enjoy my new NSA designs over at Denny Lyon Gifts (Cafe Press) for I sure was in a snarky mood when I created them.  Join the protest against Big Brother's "protection" and get your t-shirt today.

NSA Leak: Has NSA Demanded Your Credit Report Too? Are They Reselling Data Without Your Knowledge?

NSA Spy Baby Organic Baby Bodysuit

Soon the NSA will be hiring kids as snitches.  NSA Spy Baby mocks the latest intrusion into the private lives of the world's 7 billion people.

NSA Spyware Sold Here Organic Men's T-Shirt

NSA Spyware Sold Here Organic Men's T-Shirt at Denny Lyon Gifts (Cafe Press)

Get your shirt, join the protest to mock the latest intrusion into the private lives of the world's 7 billion people.  This design available in more t-shirts and other products.

From John Oliver:

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to. –The Daily Show's John Oliver on the NSA spying scandal

From Jimmy Fallon:

This spying scandal at the White House isn't going away. In fact, it was just announced that President Obama will meet a group of regular Americans to hear their concerns about the White House surveillance program. Or more accurately, to RE-HEAR them.

Ever since the government's spying scandal was exposed, sales of the novel '1984' have jumped 6,000 percent on Amazon. Yeah, '1984' shows how scary it would be if society tracked everything you do. And if you want to read it, just buy it on a website that tracks everything you do.

This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone.

This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, 'You first.'

Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans' phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he's hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, 'I don't want to be punished by the government – so I guess I'll go to China.'

He went to China to avoid government persecution. That's like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk.

President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, 'Why, so you can read our emails faster?'

Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, 'You hang up first.' Then my wife said, 'No, YOU hang up first!' Then Obama said, 'Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'

The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon's new ad campaign: 'They can hear you now.'

Where in the World Is Edward Snowdiego?

A reporter photographs man-on-the-run Edward Snowden's empty airplane seat -- meaning either he didn't show or he was in the bathroom.  (04:38)

NSA Watching Gel Mousepad

Design available in t-shirts and more products.  Poke some fun and register your protest at the NSA spying on you and selling all your private information.

From Jay Leno:

NSA leaker Edward Snowden somehow managed to get out of the U.S. with all their information. Now where is he? He's in Russia now, going to be in Ecuador or wherever. He remains at large. Now what are the odds out of 350 million Americans, the only one the government wasn't watching was him?

The NSA says they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting with a BlackBerry, it's spying on you.

President Obama's approval rating has dropped eight points over the past month, down to 45 percent, his lowest rating in more than a year and a half. But Obama is vowing to find out whose approval he's lost, track them down using their email and phone records, and personally win them back.

The latest search for Jimmy Hoffa has been called off. The FBI now says they called off the search because the NSA said it would be too difficult to find Jimmy Hoffa because he hasn't made a phone call since 1975. 

In a new interview, Ralph Nader said there has never been a bigger con man in the White House than Barack Obama. Can you believe that? Ralph Nader is still alive!

Yesterday President Obama spoke at the LGBT pride month celebration at the White House. He promised that as long as he is president, all Americans, regardless of their sexual orientation, will be spied on equally.

Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old guy behind this NSA spy scandal, said in an interview that he is not in hiding. Which would have carried a lot more weight if he hadn't made the announcement from an undisclosed secret location.

The big story continues to be 29-year-old Edward Snowden, the man behind the leaking of the NSA spy scandal. Speculation is that Snowden is hiding in Hong Kong and could be working for China. Hey, let's get real. Aren't we all pretty much working for China?

Some experts believe the privacy scandal will hurt the NSA. Are they crazy? Do you know how many people want to join now that they've heard the guy who blew the whistle is a high school dropout, making almost $200,000 a year, with a poll dancer girlfriend, and he's living in Hawaii? People are lining up to get this job.

Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he's associated with the word 'patriot,' and he's being audited by the IRS.

Nobody knew about this. It was a top-secret deal. The only people who knew were Patriots coach Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, and of course, the NSA. They were listening in.

The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He's also a moron.

President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that's a debate we wouldn't have had five years ago. Five years ago? It's a debate we wouldn't have had two weeks ago if they all hadn't gotten caught.

NSA Watching Stein

NSA Watching Stein at Denny Lyon Gifts (Cafe Press)

This design available in more t-shirts and other products.

A former technical assistant for the CIA named Edward Snowden leaked the story that the federal government was collecting phone records from Verizon customers. Snowden said, 'You're being watched.' To which NBC executives said, 'Finally! We would love to be watched.'

People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works.

Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.'

The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.

President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it's not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That's not what it's about.

The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?

If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don't you do that?

A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here's the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza.

When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us.

Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn't either. Sometimes it just happens.

Tiny Triumphs - Laser Klan

The FBI charges two Ku Klux Klan members with building a workable death ray.  (04:32)

From Conan O'Brien:

I'm excited that this Sunday is Father's Day because I'm a dad. Yeah, I don't know what I'm getting yet but I have a feeling the government knows.

Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read.

According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them.

House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed.

It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, 'The friends and family and Obama plan.'

This design available in more t-shirts and other products.

From Craig Ferguson:

The term 'Big Brother' is from George Orwell's book '1984' – where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like 'Creepy Uncle'?

The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It's a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama's IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, 'rough week, huh?'

From David Letterman:

Did you see the pictures of Obama and Putin at the G-8 summit? It was like Thanksgiving with your relatives.

See, the problem there is they have nothing to say to one another because they've been bugging each other's phones.

This story comes up about twice a year. They think they have located the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the former Teamsters union leader, after 40 years of being dead. Nothing on the NSA whistle-blower, but we think we know where Jimmy Hoffa is.

Edward Snowden is the guy who leaked all of the NSA secrets. He had a 98-minute press conference today and yet they can't find the guy. This is the biggest manhunt since Martha Stewart started online dating.

Edward Snowden shows up in a hotel in Hong Kong and announces to the world that he's leaked confidential National Security Agency memos and documents. He's now gone. Where is this guy? Gosh, if only there was a way to keep track of people.

I don't know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in.

Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don't care. It's like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it's just like being married.

The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It's people with cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming into their cellphones. They're the ones who are upset about people listening to their phone calls.

You know your phone is being tapped when you're having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing.

This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he's very pleased with himself. He says he doesn't want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China.

Happy birthday to the president's daughter Sasha, who is 12 years old. For her birthday, her father gave her Justin Bieber's phone records.

Get Us to the Geek

The media speculate on the whereabouts of wanted NSA intelligence leaker Edward Snowden.  (04:26)

NSA Spy Baby Organic Toddler T-Shirt

NSA Spy Baby Organic Toddler T-Shirt  at Denny Lyon Gifts (Cafe Press)

Soon the NSA will be hiring kids as snitches. This design available in more t-shirts and other products.

From Bill Maher:

The NSA whistleblower revealed himself – Edward Snowden, a 29-yer-old high school dropout computer nerd with a pole-dancing girlfriend, who says he can wiretap anyone in the world, including the president. I find this shocking. A computer nerd with a girlfriend?

This is the same surveillance that was happening under Bush, but under Obama it's somehow a huge outrage on the right. Republicans didn't care about Big Brother until we elected a big brotha.

The politics on this are all scrambled up. You talk about strange bedfellows. Dianne Feinstein and John Boehner are together on this. They say (Snowden) is a traitor. Michael Moore and Glenn Beck are together on this. They say he's a hero. This is Republicans' worst nightmare. They don't know who to hate. They hate Obama but they love spying. It's like hearing an illegal immigrant had an abortion.

Big breaking news about something we've known for like seven years, which is that your phone calls are being tracked and your emails are being accessed by the government. And married men all over are saying, 'The government? Thank God. I thought you were going to say my wife.'

The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They're like, 'When we said the president could do whatever the f*ck he wanted, we didn't mean a black guy.'

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening – it's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonalds and not the fries on the way home.

Michelle Obama was heckled this week. Did you see that? Wow, she's tough. Obama always stays cool when he gets heckled, but Michelle was like all Game of Thrones on this woman. She said, 'If I wanted to hear your opinion, my husband will tap your phone.'

That Edward Snowden dude got out of Hong Kong, flew to Russia, has been in the Russian airport the whole week, but still no one can find him. When Sarah Palin today heard that he may be incognito, she called for a full scale invasion of Cognito.

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