Sunday, July 14, 2013

NSA Leak Satire: If You Really Believe U.S. Govt Then Awesome Investment Opportunities Available

An officer of the Afghan National Army looks at a refurbished Mi-17 helicopter
during a function at a military airport in Kabul, Afghanistan.

From Denny:  Does anyone really believe the U.S. government and the President about this NSA leak?  No, of course not.

Are the polls running in favor of NSA leaker Edward Snowden labeled as a whistleblower rather than a traitor?  Yes, the American public really is smarter than a fifth grader though it appears the military, intelligence community (IC), Justice Department, Congress and the President cannot match wits with the American public.

So, in that vein, do I have several investment opportunities for the bone-head stupid and the gullible in our government.  They do so love to participate in the game of insider trading, coming to Washington as paupers when first elected and leaving just a few years later as millionaires.  My own Louisiana Republican Gov. Bobby Jindal did just that when he went to Washington as a Congressman.  Why not follow his corrupt example?  Capitalism careening out of control is alive and well, thriving in Washington, D.C.

Listed in order of greatest investment returns where you can gobble up some serious jack:

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* The word is that Afghanistan is a great place for investment, full of riches valued at a minimum of $3 trillion, ready to be mined from the ground, according to the Pentagon.  There are already 1400 mineral fields in operation, some of which contain high-quality precious and semi-precious stones like emerald, lapis lazuli, red garnet and ruby.  Other useful items like zinc, sulfur, salt, talc, copper, gold, iron ore, lead, natural gas, petroleum, barite and chromite are turning tidy profits.

The Pentagon once tried to sell this Afghan investment idea to the American public, claiming it would pay for the decade plus War on Terror that has bilked the U.S. Treasury of trillions of dollars.  Hey, those Afghan riches are still waiting for you to scoop them up since no one has acted on those yet to be discovered Pentagon mining operations.

Of course, it does make the American public wonder why the Pentagon is purchasing Russian made helicopters for the Afghans from a banned Russian defense firm.  Clearly the Afghans possess the monies to pay for said 30 helicopters themselves.  Never underestimate the Pentagon to break U.S. law and purchase illegal helicopters anyway, spending millions of dollars of taxpayer money while the Afghans grin wide, holding their money tight in their wallets.

In fact, the little known secret is that the U. S. government will give out grant money to help you set up your great Afghanistan investment.  After all, the U.S. military will be there for another ten years to protect you and your investment.  Just make sure you share your profits with the Pentagon.  They never promised you a completely free ride devoid of bribes.  Oh, and thanks to Congress it's also a tax free investment and the IRS promises not to check up on you.

Hey, if you want to throw in with the local drug lords as a pharmaceutical rep the word is that poppies are the new cash crop.  FDA restrictions are non-existent in Afghanistan and the DEA promises to personally load your poppy crop onto CIA planes secretly flying back to the States.

Other means of transportation can be made by boat to all American ports as the Saudis have owned U.S. ports since President Bush 43 sold the ports to them years ago.  The Saudis say they can arrange for your goods to travel by Mexican drug lord trucks up into the heart of America and will also be distributed by the same Mexican and Central American drug lords.  There really is enough business to go around for everyone.

Oh, and it's considered impolite not to share your gargantuan profits with the local Afghan war lords.  After all the bribes to the local war lords, the additionally pesky drug lords and the Pentagon "security" you should be able to net a handsome profit of about two percent.

Two percent, you say?  You think that is not much profit to be gained in this dreamy Afghan investment opportunity?  The Pentagon claims there are trillions of dollars in those Afghan mountains just begging to be discovered and deliver a big profit.  This is the chance of a life time to travel, discover the adventure of local dangers and make some serious cash!  Who could ask for anything more?

NSA Leak: Has NSA Demanded Your Credit Report Too? Are They Reselling Data Without Your Knowledge?

NSA Watching Men's Ringer T

Poke some fun and register your protest at the NSA spying on you and selling all your private information.

* Do you prefer real estate investments to a mining operation?  Well, then, Islamabad, the metropolitan heart of Pakistan, is the place for you to establish your Pat Robertson 700 Club inspired conservative American Christian community.

There are many sociable and agreeable conservative Islamic and Taliban zealots eager to greet your arrival.  A golf resort would be considered a great idea to replace local entertainment instead of honor killings.  After all, Christian recruitment is frowned upon in the Christianity-phobic Islamic world.  It tends to bring out the sword-wielding beast in the best of them.

Yes, indeed, there are opportunities for energy, water, sewer and housing development high-rise mega projects to replace those lost to massive flooding.  The local Taliban promise not to rape your women, well, at least until they step outside to see the sun in the morning.  Local Taliban custom is that all bets are off when they sight a woman in plain daylight.

So, if you are a man then this investment opportunity is yours to realize in short order!  Think of all those delicious profits!  You will be sitting upon a pile of gold coins in no time.  You can return to America on a quarterly basis to get laid.  It's a great trade-off for becoming an instant millionaire from a U.S. government grant.

* Care for something more adventurous and daring?  How about investing in the moving of weapons to the Syrian rebels?  The locals say the bombed out accommodations offer splendid views of the night sky.  Hey, and office space is really cheap too.  Utility costs are downright zero.  Flak jackets are your only expense.  Keep in mind you might need a case of Depends adult diapers as you drive through those IED-mined roads and countryside.

Maybe it would be a better idea to parachute in to deliver the goods.  Make sure there are no Assad troops around with the ability to shoot you out of the sky.  Remember, your objective is to get the weapons to the rebels not Assad.

Questions?  Consult the JSOC guys over at the Pentagon.  They can advise on how best to infiltrate and exfiltrate.  If they refuse to take your calls, just call ex-Navy Seal Richard Marcinko.  After about fifteen minutes he will stop laughing and be glad to give you a workable game plan.

NSA Spyware Sold Here Stein

NSA Spyware Sold Here mocks the latest intrusion into the private lives of the world's 7 billion people.

* If you want an investment closer to home then how about purchasing some swamp land right here in my own south Louisiana?  Lots of dead dinosaurs, courtesy of an asteroid impact millions of years ago in the Gulf of Mexico, created wonderfully large pockets of natural gas.

Come on down to Cajun Land and dig a hole, stick a pipe in it and start raking in obscene amounts of cash.  You can follow in British Petroleum's footsteps and annoy the entire Gulf Coast with lies delivered in slick branding ads to rebuild the company name, lots of name calling lawsuits and cheating small business owners and families out of their livelihoods.

NSA Listening Zone Rectangle Magnet

Feel free to mock the NSA for listening to our cell calls and reading our email without search warrants or cause.

* The best investment yet is to bet on the outcome of the NSA Leak situation with Edward Snowden marooned in a Russian airport.  Which way do you think it will go?  Lots of bookies are taking bets all over the world.  My money is on Putin to give Snowden at least temporary asylum.  Putin knows that Obama and the American government are completely out of control and in need of time to calm down and get a proper perspective.

It isn't like President Obama can any longer go around and lecture Russia or any other country about human rights abuses when he is doing the same in this NSA Leak situation.  Obama pressured human rights groups not to help Snowden.  Obama already trashed diplomatic immunity and a country's sovereignty when he forced down and boarded the Bolivian President's plane.  That was one bone head stupid move.

Yes, it's Russia who will step up and act like the adult in the room, employing wisdom and diplomacy and act like a world power.  I'm starting to like these Russians and enjoy how they think.  They certainly understand the art of good drama done with style and elegance as opposed to Obama's thuggish behavior.

Did you hear the news?  Putin is preparing to host world leaders at a G20 summit in St. Petersburg next week.  Pundits seem to think that Russia will run like a scalded dog from the controversy because of the G20 meeting occurring.

What drugs are they smoking?  Russians thrive on war and controversy.  It's their nature.  It won't bother them one wit to have Snowden still living in the airport transit area while world leaders dine at Putin's G20 table.  In fact, Russians will quietly find it most amusing, dining on that story for decades.  The American government is just unrealistically wishing and hoping Putin will fold and give in slavishly to America's demands.  I wouldn't be looking for that any time soon.  Yeah, my money's on Putin.

It's a good idea for Russia to grant Snowden an undetermined amount of time for temporary asylum.  Obama is embarrassing himself with all these public and private temper tantrums and it's the least Russia's Putin knows he can do to help out while Obama is melting down.  Who knows, maybe Russia will come out of this situation looking like the global good guy.  Wouldn't that be a turn of events?  OK, everyone, lay down your bets.

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