Monday, January 16, 2012

Funny 2012 Election Late Nite Jokes and Videos

Look away! Look away!
Look away! Look away! (Photo credit: Norm Walsh)

From Denny:  With the holiday season yesterday's news, it's time to catch up on the hilarious jokes from the late night comics about the GOP candidates and their utterly lame "debates."  These are all the jokes from December 2011 and half of January 2012.

As the political season wears on - and wears out the goodwill of the public - the jokes will only get sharper as the political attacks get nastier.  Put on your hockey face mask as the Zingers are about to get hurled at you from every angle during the next 11 months.

All the major news networks are now calling for some serious fact-checking on those GOP claims pooped out onto the airwaves.

You know it's really bad when the mainstream news starts complaining about the very guys who buy the ads on their networks that they encouraged to behave so badly in the first place.  Do you think it might have something to do with the fact the majority of the public is not paying attention to those silly debates?

We all know these GOP candidates are corporate lapdogs and will only screw over the average voter if elected or placed in a Republican administration.  But hey, every one of those crooks and liars is telling the tale of how they are "the average guy next door."  Yeah?  Then how did all of them make millions while in office or through their efforts as lobbyists?

It's amazing how fast six weeks goes by in the news world.  North Korea's dictator died, displaying a whole country of criers, crying dramatically because they knew if they didn't they would get thrown in jail for the rest of their miserable lives.  Wow, what a country.  It's no wonder people are desperate to defect.

Of course, Stephen Colbert just had to do his version of the dictator's video obit, paying a campy homage to "The Great Leader."  That masterpiece is located right here in this post. :)

Rick Santorum has experienced a sudden surge in popularity as the New Conservative Choice.  The guy's a bit strange and the usual heartless GOP guy, mouthing all the usual cliches and mean-spirited jabs to attract racists to his corner.  The evangelicals all pulled together to support him until the Protestants complained the Catholics had a corner on Santorum.  The schism, touchy slights and major whining reared their ugly heads.

And America has the right to trash Northern Ireland for their religious-political strife?  Protestants make up 50 percent of America and the Catholics trail at 25 percent.  The Jews are only at five percent.  (Just in case you were wondering about how the stats broke down.)

Then there are the GOP defections of late:  Herman Cain from sexual allegations - too many mistresses popping out of political cakes, Huntsman with his one percent like a Kermit the Frog never gaining traction - why did he not run as an Independent?  What was he thinking?

Donald Trump peeks in and out of the GOP mess to push his Great Presence and generally annoy the press, the public and the Republican Party.  But the comics like Jon Stewart are absolutely thrilled when Trump pops up for his much needed attention.  He really is such an easy comedy target.  Let us count the ways.  OK, let's not and say we did.  You already know them by heart.

Michelle Bachman's campaign basically dried up and evaporated.  She seemed to suffer from identity crisis and the occasional Gaga fashion knock-off.  She bought a lot of buzz in Iowa but failed the voter confidence.  You can't campaign against Big Government when you and your husband take federal funds.

Newt Gingrich is The Perpetual Joke.  It's almost as funny as Rush Limbaugh running for President.  Newtie really does have a lot of nerve.  Think about it.  Back in the late 90's Newtie is the one that started the political avalanche to impeach President Bill Clinton and Vice President Gore because he wanted to step up into the office from Speaker.  One man's really bad attitude and selfishness has created the toxic political atmosphere we still experience today.

So, from 1998 to 2012 America has experienced a string of weak Presidents that have been sidelined by or suck up to Big Business.  The result?  Half of the middle class has evaporated, descending down into low income, poverty or outright homelessness.

Our national politicians are asleep at the switch of sound, effective and good government.  Without our national comics to lampoon them what ever would the masses do for cheap entertainment?  Laugh on!

Civil Disservice

John Oliver interviews Froma Harrop, the president of the National Conference of Editorial Writers, to find out how to restore civility to America's public discourse.

From David Letterman:

I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to make sure everything's all right.

Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America.

When Rick Perry heard that, he said, 'Well that's nothing. I like to execute people.'

Mitt Romney said that he enjoyed firing people. Way to connect with the middle class there, Mitt.

Turns out Mitt Romney is Mexican, did you know that? His entire family is from Mexico. Not only that, he was the Lone Ranger.

Jon Huntsman is surging in New Hampshire. And it lasts longer than four hours, he'd better call a doctor.

Ron Paul says that he has a big youth following. You can tell by looking at the guy he's a regular Justin Bieber.

Don't you think Ron Paul looks like one of those people they interview after every UFO sighting?

Newt Gingrich had a horrible week in the Iowa caucuses. Only 13 percent of his ex-wives voted for him.

How about Mitt Romney? Now there's a guy who looks like you would see his picture on a package of men's briefs.

Ron Paul – he looks like a guy you'd keep overnight for observation.

Rick Perry decided he would stay in the race, so there is still plenty of time not to vote for him.

As I was coming out here, CBS News predicted the winner of the Iowa Republican caucuses: President Obama.

How about that Rick Santorum? He came in second because he is the anti-Romney. Wait a minute. I thought Mitt Romney was the anti-Romney.

Michele Bachmann is out, but I don't think her husband is.

So now that Michele O'Bachmann is out, that leaves Mitt Romney with best hairdo.

There's already controversy with the Iowa caucuses. About a half hour ago, they found eight more votes for Al Gore.

They say the Iowa caucuses are very important because they are predictors of the Academy Awards.

Forty percent of the people of Iowa are undecided about who to select as a Republican candidate for president. Thank goodness we have three dozen debates.

President Barack Obama went out and did some shopping. He took the entire White House Press Corps with him, but still he's out there boosting the economy — the Chinese economy but still, he's doing what he can, ladies and gentlemen.

Kim Jong Il made his staff call him 'dear' and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen.

The family is saying now that in lieu of flowers for Kim Jong Il, they encourage you to send enriched uranium.

I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants.

Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate.

Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, 'Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you.

Ron Paul, of all people, is surging in the polls. When Mitt said, 'My gloves are coming off,' Ron Paul said, 'OK, my teeth are coming out.' And doctors have confirmed that Ron Paul is incapable of a sex scandal.

Mitt Romney has called Newt Gingrich 'zany.' If they are taking a good look at Newt, honestly, one word comes to mind and it's 'zany?'

Now I wouldn't be surprised if Romney hit Newt in the head with a rubber chicken.

A campaign staffer on the Newt Gingrich campaign was fired because he was making negative comments about Mormons. I thought, 'Wait a minute, isn't Newt in favor of multiple wives?'

Mitt Romney says if he is president he will create 11 million new jobs. Sure, they'll all be in China, but a job is a job, ladies and gentlemen.

Michele Bachmann is picking running mates. That's like the Colts picking out Super Bowl rings.

Ron Paul looks like one of your old relatives. The guy that keeps sending you the blank emails.

More good news for Newt Gingrich. Earlier today, he was endorsed by the voices in Glenn Beck's head.

Newt has a holiday book out. 'The Newt Before Christmas.'

Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous governor.

Rod Blagojevich, former governor of Illinois, stood under some mistletoe earlier today and kissed 14 years goodbye.

Rod Blagojevich is going away for 14 Years in prison. His barber got the death penalty.

Blago got 5 years for corruption and 9 years for appearing on "Celebrity Apprentice.'

Newt Gingrich did not make it on the Most Fascinating People list. He made it on another list of 2011 though: Most Fascinating Newts.

I like Newt Gingrich. You know who he looks like? He looks like your Dad's old Army buddy, doesn't he?

Mitt Romney now says the gloves are coming off. And then Ron Paul said, 'And my teeth are coming out.'

In California a greased-up, naked, 300-lb. bodybuilder was terrorizing a neighborhood. Arnold, Arnold, Arnold.

Herman Cain, the Herminator, said 'I will not be silent, and I will not go away.' Then he shut up and left.

We have a mayor here called Mayor Bloomberg and he's a little man. And this is the worst time of year for the guy, as you can imagine because whenever he's out walking around, everybody's screaming, 'Look, one of Santa's elves!'

Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.

Newt is meeting today with Donald Trump. Insiders say it's consensual. He'd be the first President named Newt. There've been some First Ladies.

Top Ten Surprises At Michele O'Bachmann's Press Conference

10. Congratulated Mitt Romney on being elected the president of Iowa

9. Gave repeated shout-outs to the Los Angeles car arsonist

8. After a brief introduction, spent 15 minutes Tebowing

7. Said she successfully prayed her campaign away

6. Shared several inspirational quotes from 'Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked'

5. Announced plans to bet remaining campaign funds on the Packers to win the Super Bowl

4. Said she's leaving Marcus for the lead guitarist of Journey

3. Revealed she's the latest wacky character played by Sacha Baron Cohen

2. Showed her full-body dragon tattoo

1. Ended with a, 'See you losers at the truck stop!'

Top Ten Ways Kim Jong Un Celebrated His Birthday

10. Enjoyed ice cream made by Kim Jong Ben and Kim Jong Jerry

9. Laid in bed, depressed, like a typical Capricorn

8. Hit Vegas with his 'crew:' Putin, Chavez, Ahmadinejad and Zach Galifianakis

7. Had Marilyn Monroe lookalike sing, 'Happy Birthday, Mr. Supreme Commander of the People's Army, brilliant comrade, and great person born of heaven'

6. After seeing how good Charles Barkley looks, joined Weight Watchers

5. Nice quiet dinner with a few close human shields

4. Caught surprise Patton Oswalt stand-up set at the Pyongyang Comedy Store

3. Watched funny videos of North Koreans crying on YouTube

2. Treated himself to a deep-tissue jowl massage

1. Executed his pastry chef for using those trick birthday candles

Top Ten Signs It Might Be Time To End Your Presidential Campaign

10. Will only answer questions from reporters who buy you a steak dinner

9. Most influential supporter is some drunk guy from British Columbia

8. Still aren't sure what the heck a "caucus" is

7. Began last speech with, "As I look out at all these empty chairs . . . “

6. People refer to you as Mitt Romney without the charisma

5. Last campaign ad showed you curled up on the shower floor, crying

4. Instead of Iowa you've been campaigning in Idaho

3. At the last debate, all you said was, "whatevs"

2. Your mom keeps reminding you that, if this president thing doesn't work out, your Uncle Phil has a job for you at his carpet store

1. Chief of staff spent the weekend in Los Angeles setting car fires

Top Ten Items On Kim Jong Un's To Do List

10. Hit LensCrafters and check out the selection of giant dictator glasses

9. Fix leaky water torture pipe in dungeon

8. Promote his new regime on "The Wendy Williams Show"

7. Light palace Menorah for the first day of Hanukkah

6. Take a vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas

5. Floss more (It's on everyone's to-do list, but we never get around to it, do we folks?)

4. Do some freestyle picking

3. Watch monkeys riding dogs

2. Buy a zoo with Matt Damon

1. Obligatory meeting with Donald Trump

Top Ten Things Mitt Romney Would Like To Say To The American People (as read by Mitt Romney on Letterman)

10. "Isn't it time for a president who looks like a 1970s game show host?"

9. "What's up, gangstas — it's the M-I-Double-Tizzle"

8. "I have no proof, but I have a feeling Canada is planning something"

7. "Actually, I'm only here to meet Tom Cruise"

6. "Live from New York, it's Saturday night!"

5. "My new cologne is now available at Macy's. It's 'Mitt-stified'"

4. "I just used all my campaign money to buy a zoo with Matt Damon"

3. "I can do a lot, but even I can't fix the Indianapolis Colts"

2. "Newt Gingrich? Really?"

1. "It's a hairpiece"

Top Ten Messages Left On Rod Blagojevich's Answering Machine

10. Hey, it's Conrad Murray. 14 years? I didn't get that for murder

9. This is your hairstylist. Make sure to condition after each delousing

8. Do you want the cell closer to the espresso machine or Jacuzzi?

7. Congratulations, I hear you're going to Vail. Wait, never mind

6. Hey, it's your cell mate. Do you like the top or bottom?

5. Sorry, I must have the wrong number. I was trying to reach Todd Blagojevich

4. Hey, it's Dave. Tonight's Top Ten List is about you. Nice work

3. It's 2011, why do you still have an answering machine?

2. This is President Obama. I'm granting you a full pardon. Nah, I'm just screwing with you

1. It's the warden. The inmates are asking how much you want for your seat

Top Ten Signs the Candidates Have Debate Fatigue

10. Most frequent question from moderators: 'You awake?'

9. Michele O'Bachmann trying to get her husband to pray away the tedium

8. Newt Gingrich opened a revolving account with Sleepy's

7. When asked a question, they all keep texting and mutter, 'Uh huh, uh, huh . . . '

6. Last night, Romney challenged Perry to a $10,000 game of 'Words With Friends'

5. Ron Paul's fake eyebrows are twitching

4. Theme of the debate: 'Who Cares?'

3. Jon Huntsman tried to . . . Wait, who is Jon Huntsman?

2. They all walk around dazed and miserable — it's like working here

1. At last debate, Rick Perry said, 'Debate my butt!'

From Jay Leno:

Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States.

Rick Perry was philosophical about it. He said, 'Last week was Iowa. Yesterday was New Hampshire. ' He said at least it's giving him a chance to learn the names of all the states.

Jon Huntsman finished third ... and he said he's happy with the momentum he gained this week. You know it's got to be fun being a politician. You can spin everything. … Your plane is crashing and you're saying, 'We're happy to be landing ahead of schedule.'

You know the difference between Michele Bachmann, Rick Perry, and Tim Tebow? When God tells Tim Tebow to run, he wins.

Mitt Romney says he understands the middle class, and that he knows it's not easy keeping a roof over your family's heads — as well as vacation roofs in San Diego, New Hampshire, and Park City, Utah.

In Saturday night's Republican debate, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Why Chinese? If you want to reach the American people, you've got to speak Spanish.

A group calling itself the Courage Campaign is trying to win support for a millionaire tax by running an ad showing Kim Kardashian. They want the Kardashians to pay more. This is part of the plan to raise taxes on the dumbest 1 percent.

How's this for an endorsement? Prostitutes at the world-famous Bunny Ranch Brothel in Nevada have endorsed Ron Paul for president. They said it was not an easy decision. They said it was hard to overlook Newt Gingrich's solid record of adultery, but still they had to go with Ron Paul.

I thought the prostitutes would have endorsed Mitt Romney. After all, like the girls; he changes position every hour.

According to National Enquirer, John Edwards has proposed to his mistress, Rielle Hunter. He gave three reasons for wanting to marry her: He loves her, she's the mother of his child, and of course, a wife can't testify against her husband.

Mitt Romney says President Obama's promises are like Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. President Obama shot back. He said Romney's positions last about half as long as a Kim Kardashian wedding.

Even though Rick Perry came in fifth, he is not quitting. He said it's on to South Carolina. And then today, he said, 'Which way is that?'

A man who calls himself the grand warlock of Mexico has predicted that President Obama will not win re-election. The grand warlock's real name? Juan Hannity.

A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right way and a wrong way to polish sterling silver.

(Rick) Santorum did so well, a restaurant in Boone, Iowa, named its chicken salad after him. They also have the Mitt Romney waffle, the Ron Paul cracker, and the Newt Gingrich chubby hubby ice cream.

Rick Santorum's campaign is celebrating the Iowa caucuses with a pizza party. Here's the embarrassing part: It was delivered by Herman Cain.

Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes. He'd have won if he'd just gotten the gay vote.

2012 is supposed to be the year the world ends. Have you seen the national debt? If the world doesn't end, we are so screwed.

President Obama went Christmas shopping at Best Buy in Virginia this week. He had to go to Best Buy because he's not allowed to go to Walmart, because China said, "You can't buy any more stuff from us until you pay off what you already owe us.

While shopping at Best Buy, out of force of habit, President Obama put everything on layaway. He told the store, "Don't worry about it; the grandkids will pay for it.

There have been a lot of changes in the polls lately. It's unbelievable. President Obama's ratings are up, Ron Paul is leading in the polls in Iowa, Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich are in a tie, and Rick Santorum is still two points behind Kim Jong-Il. He's got a way to go.

Rick Perry told reporters this week that he has a permit to carry a concealed handgun. He also has a concealed vocabulary, concealed knowledge of the issues, concealed tolerance...

The payroll tax extension passed the House and Senate by unanimous consent. This was a procedural move allowing it to pass, even though most members of congress were already home for the holidays. They weren't even there! Only 12 people out of 535 were there and they got it done. Imagine how much they could do if we got rid of all of them?

The independent Super PAC supporting Mitt Romney announced it would suspend anti- Newt Gingrich ads during Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. They said they're doing it out of respect to Gingrich, his family, and his mistresses.

We're learning more and more about the death of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il. It seems he died of a heart attack while riding on a train in North Korea. I don't want to say Kim Jong-Il was little, but the train he died on was going around his Christmas tree.

The pro-adultery website - have you heard of this? It's a website for married people that want to cheat. Anyway, they have come out and endorsed Newt Gingrich for president. I guess it's their way of thanking him for all the years of business.

Yesterday in New York City, Donald Trump officially changed his political affiliation from Republican to Independent. And Donald's hair has switched from pelt to carpet sample.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Obama a clown and an embarrassment. You don't talk about our president that way. Our vice president, sure, that would be fine.

Anthony Weiner and is his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.

As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.

North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il.

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'

During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February.

Last night Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. The difference? Tim Tebow actually has a prayer.

The candidates all have their position on the Federal Reserve. Ron Paul is anti-Fed. Mitt Romney is pro-Fed. And Newt Gingrich is over-Fed.

USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning.

Gary Busey has just withdrawn his endorsement of Newt Gingrich. That's when you know your campaign's in trouble.

President Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the next president is going to be saying.

A new poll shows that, for the very first time, voters that view President Obama unfavorably outnumber those who view him favorably. In fact, if he gets any more unpopular, legally, he might have to run as a Republican.

Newt Gingrich signed a 'no adultery' pledge. Out of habit he signed it John Smith.

According to a new CBS poll, 33 percent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress.

If there is a shutdown, 800,000 nonessential federal employees will be suspended. You know, maybe that's our budget problem right there. We have 800,000 nonessential federal employees.

Rick Perry has made so many gaffes lately, it is hard to tell if he's running against President Obama or Joe Biden.

Ron Paul is in favor of letting states legalize marijuana, prostitution, and cocaine. So even if he doesn't win, that's going to be one heck of an election night party.

Men are now going to their barber and asking for a Mitt. Then they go to the girl on the corner and ask for a Herman Cain.

Rick Perry said there were eight supreme court justices instead of nine. But, in his defense, he did know there were only three judges on 'Dancing With the Stars.'

Perry also said the Obama administration sent $500 million to the 'country of Solyndra.' If an energy company was a country, don't you think we would've invaded it by now?

Rick Perry was interviewed in a library, and they placed special books that were kind of mean: "Runnin' Texas for Dummies," "Supreme Court for Dummies," "Dumb & Dumber for Dummies.

Iran is now in possession of an American drone. When I heard that I thought, 'Oh, my god, they captured Joe Biden?'

Pope Benedict announced he's going to visit Mexico sometime next year. He will bring with him a message of hope for all the Mexican people. And then he will come to Los Angeles and give the same message to even more Mexican people.

An Alabama anti-gay politician has been leading a secret life as a sperm donor for lesbian couples. This is a classic case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing. But he was making money hand over fist.

It was so cold in Texas that death row inmates are cutting in line just to get the electric chair." –Jay Leno

Luckily, she got the purse back, but the $10,000 was missing. It turns out the guy who stole it needed the money to pay off a bet with Mitt Romney.

Mitt Romney tried to make a $10,000 bet with Rick Perry during a presidential debate. Well, who says the Republicans are rich snobs out of touch with the common man?

Only two candidates have agreed to attend Donald Trump's Iowa debate. So Trump's either going to cancel or round out the field with Meat Loaf, Omarosa and Gary Busey.

You know the difference between God and Newt Gingrich? God doesn't think he's Newt Gingrich.

President Obama celebrated Hanukkah at the White House last night. He lit the menorah, and then Vice President Joe Biden came in sang happy birthday, and blew out all of the candles.

A global study released just today found that happiness does not increase with the rate of economic growth. To which President Obama said, 'See? That's what I've been trying to tell people.'

While speaking to a prominent group of Jewish Republicans, Newt Gingrich promised to support Israel, not give in to the Palestinians, and even promised his next wife would be Jewish.

I'm not sure Rick Perry got it. Like when they asked him what he'd do about the West Bank, he said he'd bring back free checking.

According to CNBC, a number of Americans are moving overseas looking for job opportunities. Now people over there will know what it feels like to lose their American jobs to foreigners.

According to a recent report by CBS sports, the average Major League baseball player now makes just over $3 million a year. Or as the Yankees like to call them, 'the 99 percenters.'

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was sentenced to 14 years in prison. This is the most disgraceful thing to happen to an Illinois governor since their last governor.

There was an embarrassing moment for Rick Perry. He announced that it was the anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Jam.

Joe Biden visited Greece last week on the debt crisis. I don't want to say the vice president doesn't know much, but he kept asking for John Travolta.

Today Herman Cain again denied allegations of any sexual misconduct and thanked his supporters for their gullibility.

This is kind of scary. This was in the paper today; according to the new federal guidelines if you've had sex with more than one person in the past year, you might be 'too promiscuous to be an organ donor.' More bad news for Herman Cain.

In a new interview at her lawyer's office, Herman Cain's mistress of the past 13 years, this woman Ginger White, said no one has offered to pay her any money for her story. But to be fair no one is buying Herman Cain's story either. I think that's fair.

Cain says that he and his wife...everything is fine between them. Though it's not certain this wife still trusts him 100%. Like today Mrs. Cain called Michele Bachmann and asked if she could pray him gay. Does it work that way? Can you pray a guy gay?

Former Vice President Dan Quayle...remember Dan? Potato with an 'e'? He has officially endorsed Mitt Romney. And today Romney said, 'Why are you rushing into this? Newt Gingrich is pretty good. Have you talked to him? That Rick Perry is a handsome...'

Newt Gingrich met with Donald Trump yesterday. There's a good combination – two guys, 6 wives, 0 chance of either one of them ever becoming president of the United States." –Jay Leno

The head of the Federal Aviation Administration … has been arrested on charges of drunk driving. I don't want to say how much the guy drank, but when they pulled him over, he was driving the beverage cart.'

Herman Cain announced Saturday he was suspending his campaign. He brought his wife with him, so apparently he couldn't get a date. I guess he used up all his 9-9-9 lives. The closest he got to the White House was spending the night at Ginger White's house.

The good news: unemployment is down and people are out looking for work. That's good news. In fact today Herman Cain applied at Domino's, Pizza Hut, Round Table, and Little Caesars...

Not surprisingly, Herman Cain suspended his presidential campaign. He made the announcement on Saturday...he brought his wife with him so apparently he couldn't find a date.

President Obama is getting some flak for his planned 17-day Christmas vacation. That's a long time, 17 days. I mean, even Mary and Joseph only took the day off for Christmas.

To save money, the U.S. Postal Service announced the end of next-day service. That's a good way to get people to come back, isn't it? Make your service even slower than it already is.

Due to the bad economy, the Queen of England's salary will be frozen for the next four years. In fact, to make ends meet the queen is thinking of having a yard sale. Getting rid of a lot of stuff they don't use anymore, like Canada.

President Obama met with leaders of all the American Indian tribes. He promised to help tackle the challenges facing the Native American communities — like card counting.

High winds have been pummeling California for the last two days. It was so windy, all the women in Beverly Hills looked like Nancy Pelosi. It was so windy police at U.C. Davis had to take the students inside to pepper spray them. Birds just stayed in their bird houses and tweeted each other.

The good news is, the unemployment rate has dropped to 8.6 percent. The bad news is, most of those require a sack, a red suit, and a beard.

I think Herman Cain is getting a little desperate. He said if his wife forgives him, he'll throw in free bread sticks, buffalo wings and a 2-liter of Pepsi.

Authorities have discovered what they call the most sophisticated tunnel ever found underneath the U.S.-Mexican border, being built by a Mexican drug cartel. And Gov. Rick Perry asked the question we're all asking: 'Why can't these tunnels be dug by hard-working American drug cartels?'

According to an online poll of what people will write on their holiday cards this year, 60% will write 'Merry Christmas.' Nineteen percent will write 'Happy holidays.' And 1% will write 'Keep our 13 year affair quiet, I'm trying to run for president.'

Cain now says he's consulting with his family whether to stay in the race. Really? You think that's what he's discussing with his wife, about staying in the race? How about staying in the house?

From Craig Ferguson:

Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary. Romney's win in New Hampshire means that he received seven delegates and a wagon full of maple syrup.

The thing I don't like about Romney is that he's not funny. For a while, the field was looking promising for late night comedians.

Ron Paul said he's 'nibbling at mitt Romney's heels.' At 76 years old, I hope somebody's cutting Romney's heels into bite-sized pieces for him.

Seventy-six percent of people polled thought that Mitt was short for mittens. I'd vote for him if his name was Mittens Romney. Other nations would fear us for being so adorable.

Mitt Romney had a huge lead going into the primary. It would've taken a miraculous, divinely-inspired comeback for anyone to defeat him. So let me be the first to say congratulations, President Tim Tebow.

I watched the Republican debate. At one point, the candidates said there are no classes in America, a point then hotly debated by all six rich white guys that were there.

Last night, Rick Perry said was quitting the race. But then this morning, he said he's staying in. Hmm. Going back on his word? Maybe he'd make a good president after all.

I hope you all had a good holiday. I was in Scotland. I enjoy going back to the country where I was born. That must be what it feels like when Barack Obama visits Kenya.

The new ruler of North Korea is Kim Jong Il's son. That's an amazing coincidence. The elections must have gone very quickly.

A movie called 'The Artist' got six nominations. It's a silent movie where people's mouths move but nothing comes out. It's like Rick Perry at a debate.

Mitt Romney said Newt Gingrich was too 'zany' to be president. Newt Gingrich responded by tossing confetti in the air, squeezing a car horn, and then spraying seltzer at Mitt Romney.

I don't have time to say Mitt and Romney, so I just call him 'Mittney.'

Sometimes packages get lost in the mail. You're expecting something wonderful, and you wait and wait and nothing comes. It's like voting for Obama.

The former governor of Illinois Rod Blagojevich got 14 Years in prison. He will probably get time off for good hair.

He was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama's vacant senate seat. If he had waited a few years, he could probably sell it back to Barack Obama.

The Library of Congress is home to some of the most important documents in history including the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and now it will so include tweets from Gretchen44, who likes strawberry balsamic vinegar on her salad.

Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife.

Herman Cain is scheduled to make a big announcement tomorrow. He says if his wife wants him to quit the race, he will quit the race. However, his wife's vote can be overruled by a simple majority of his mistresses.

'Americas Most Wanted' used to be on FOX, but it was canceled because executives at FOX realized the show actually helped people.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Ron Paul finished second. ... Paul says if he can sustain those kind of numbers ... and if his message continues to resonate ... and if Mitt Romney gets hit with a dump truck, he could still win this thing.

This GOP race is heating up with the intensity of an Easy-Bake Oven.

Fidel Castro posted a blog entry this week titled 'The Best President.' Castro thinks a robot would do a better job than President Obama. And if Mitt Romney wins, that could happen.

With all due respect, Castro, we tried the robot thing here in California. And it didn't work out.

In New Hampshire, the Republican primary election took place. New Hampshire voters gathered to decide which middle-aged white guy looked best in a pair of pleated Dockers.

The New Hampshire primary is a tough one for the candidates who don't do well because this is the night when many of them realize, 'I served all those people pancakes for nothing.'

I make my choice for president based on how well each candidate would handle an alien invasion.

Newt Gingrich thinks he's the man for the job. He got an important endorsement from Sarah Palin's husband, Todd. He has the all-important 'snowmobilers who wear sunglasses indoors' demographic.
I came up with a great slogan for Romney. "It's time to Mitt or get off the pot."

Herman Cain is back. He's planning to tour the country in a bus, which sounds like his wife has kicked him out of the house.

Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romney’s family lives in Mexico. … His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. … Mitt can use that to show that he’s tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country.

The remaining Republican candidates are in New Hampshire this weekend, where they will have two debates in the span of 12 hours. And this is just the regular season. Wait until the playoffs.

In the last election, Mike Huckabee won the Iowa caucus, and John McCain came in fourth. And he became the nominee. So it’s too early to tell anything at this point. It would be like if Wolf Blitzer stayed up all night analyzing the first round of American Idol auditions.

According to new poll done by '60 minutes,' 2 percent of voters believe that Mitt Romney's real name, his real first name, is Mittens. That's true. If Romney legally changes his name to Mittens, he's got my vote.

Rick Santorum lost by 8 votes, like what happened to Jon Gosselin.

In Sioux City, Iowa, there was another debate between the seven Republicans running for president. All your favorites were there: Grumpy, Dopey, the other Dopey, Romney, Bashful, another Dopey, and Happy.

This was the 427th of 2,000 debates to be held between now and when President Obama is re-elected. There are so many debates. For a group of people who don't want the government interfering in our lives a lot, they interfere in our lives a lot.

Gary Busey said it's not that he doesn't like Newt Gingrich, but it was too soon for him to endorse anyone. He said as soon as a president is elected, he will let us know who he intends to vote for.

Some people say that Mitt Romney isn't the most consistent candidate, because he's changed his mind about big, important issues over the years. You know, that's one of the things that I like about him, because he's been consistent since he changed his mind.

Christine O'Donnell, who used to be a witch, endorsed Mitt Romney, and she said, "He's been consistent since he changed his mind." Can't argue with that.

Donald Trump announced this morning that he will not serve as moderator at the GOP debate that was scheduled for Dec. 27. He said he had to cancel the debate because he may want to run as an independent candidate — and because only two of the GOP candidates decided to show up.

This guy is something. He's committed to the debate, he's not committed; he's running, he's not running; he's in, he's out. What does he think this is, one of his marriages?

Perry gave three reasons for declining the Iowa debate later this month. First, he needs to concentrate on campaigning. Second, there are already two other debates scheduled for that week. And he forgot the third one.

The Library of Congress has partnered with Twitter to store every tweet ever posted in their archive of historical documents. So, this is what Congress is doing?

Herman Cain made a major announcement on Saturday at the grand opening of his new campaign headquarters, announcing that he is suspending his campaign. It was a grand opening and a grand closing at the same time.

Now that he's back home Herman Cain's wife has a huge to-do list for him. 1. Clean out the garage. 2. Go live in it.

Cain blames a conspiracy by powerful Democrats who are intent on destroying him for these various allegations. I don't think you can blame the Democrats. I'm pretty sure they were rooting for him in this particular case.

No one in the media is giving Herman Cain credit for having been faithful to the same mistress for 13 years.

From Jimmy Fallon:

After Iowa and New Hampshire, Mitt Romney's campaign is now two for two. After his performance last night, Rick Perry's campaign merchandise is now two for one.

While campaigning yesterday, Jon Huntsman said he was 'ready to rock and roll.' Not to be outdone, Mitt Romney said he was ready to 'easy listen.'

During yesterday's debate, Mitt Romney said he wasn't a career politician, and Newt Gingrich told him to drop the 'pious baloney.' Of course, when Romney dropped it, Newt was like, 'Hey, you gonna eat that pious baloney?'

The national debt has reached $15 trillion — the size of the entire U.S. economy. Yeah, I don't wanna say President Obama is out of solutions for the debt, but today he tried handing it off to Tim Tebow.

Speaking of Tim Tebow, his game-winning pass was apparently more popular on Twitter than the death of Osama bin Laden. Yeah, even bin Laden was like, 'It was a pretty sick pass.'

President Obama met with the Dallas Mavericks to congratulate them on their 2011 NBA Championship. While Joe Biden met with the Globetrotters to congratulate them on that episode of 'Scooby-Doo' they did.

Iran just announced plans to restrict Web access, and launch its own national Internet. That’s right, they’re creating an Internet that’s totally cut off from the rest of the world — or as that’s also known, ‘AOL.’

I read that Facebook is hosting a Republican debate on Sunday. Candidates will be seated based on their poll numbers, with Romney in the middle, Gingrich on the side, and Rick Perry down the street at the MySpace debate.

The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it’s part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'

President Obama’s campaign has released a highlight reel of his top moments from 2011. The video’s a little weird. Halfway through, it’s taped over by Joe Biden’s recording of 'Yo Gabba Gabba.'

President Obama bought about $200 worth of Christmas presents at Best Buy. Then it got awkward when he asked the Geek Squad if they fix economies.

The New York Daily News reported that Obama bought the Wii game “Just Dance” for his daughters, Sasha and Malia. Or in other words, the New York Daily News just ruined the fun of opening presents for Sasha and Malia.

In a new interview, President Obama was asked to describe Michelle, and he used the words 'beautiful, smart, and funny.' When asked how he picked those, he used the words, 'she's, sitting, and right-next-to-me.'

The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out.

Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill.

President Obama said he is 'very concerned' about the European debt crisis. While Joe Biden said he is quote 'very concerned' about the drop in Nickelodeon's ratings.

Vice President Joe Biden just mailed his family Christmas card which is signed with his dog Champ's paw print. The weird thing is, Biden actually does that with all his important documents.

Donald Trump is hosting a debate in Iowa, but so far Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum are the only presidential candidates to RSVP. Rick Santorum actually requested a plus one — you know, so he could bring all of his supporters.

I'm so excited, Christmas season is finally here. ... A new survey found that two of the most popular holiday songs are 'Jingle Bell Rock' and 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.' The LEAST popular Christmas song: 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Herman Cain.'

Everybody's talking about the presidential election. And this is big: Two days after stepping down, there are rumors that Herman Cain is endorsing his former rival, Newt Gingrich. Not to be president, but to be his new wingman.

Even though Herman Cain is suspending his campaign, he's launching a new website called Yeah, it's the only political website that makes you click an 'I'm Over 18' button to enter.

In a new interview, it's revealed that Mitt Romney loves chocolate milk. While Rick Perry prefers milk like his poll numbers: 2 percent.

The Senate is doing its first-ever Secret Santa gift exchange this year. Yeah, there's a $10 spending limit, but they plan to go $14 trillion over budget.

It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year's Christmas is 'Shine, Give, Share.' While rumor is, the theme of next year's White House Christmas will be 'Clean, Pack, Move.'

Congress just lifted a ban on producing and exporting horse meat. Or as Taco Bell put it, 'There was a ban on that?'

Tuesday January 3, 2012

Kim Jong-il - In Memoriam

Stephen takes a fond look back at the life of the late North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il.

From Conan O'Brien:

Yesterday Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt stopped by the White House. There was an awkward moment when they tried to adopt President Obama.

In a speech, Ron Paul described himself to the crowd as 'dangerous.' Yeah, then one of his handlers fed him some warm milk through an eye dropper and he fell asleep in a shoebox.

Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.

Fidel Castro declared that a robot would do a better job as president than Barack Obama. After hearing this, Mitt Romney thanked Castro for his endorsement.

During the GOP debate on Saturday night, Jon Huntsman spoke Chinese. Not to be outdone during the debate, Newt Gingrich ate Chinese.

The defense department is trying to find out who leaked information to filmmakers making a movie about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Even worse, the name of the movie is 'Harold and Kumar Kill Osama.'

The British government has urged its citizens to abstain from alcohol at least two days a week. Or to make it easier to remember, whenever they brush their teeth.

Tonight is the new season of 'Jersey Shore.' It promises to have all of the name calling, sex scandals, and backstabbing of the Republican primaries.

Presidential candidate Rick Santorum is under fire for a remark he made in Iowa about black people. The remark has sparked outrage among Iowa's black community, otherwise known as Steve.

Mitt Romney has come under fire for his pledge to eliminate federal funding for PBS. Romney said, 'When I'm president, the only operated puppet speaking to kids will be me.

John McCain has endorsed Mitt Romney for president. … Now, it didn’t help that McCain began his endorsement by saying, ‘From the man who brought you Sarah Palin.'

Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses by defeating Rick Santorum by only eight votes. That's a record. To give you an idea of how close that is, if all of Newt Gingrich's ex-wives voted for Santorum, he would have won by 15.

Michele Bachmann pulled out of the presidential race and I just want to take a moment and say that Michele gave us a lot of material over the last eight months.

In her concession speech, Bachmann said, 'I mean what I say.' Then she thanked her speech writer, Popeye.

Political analysts are saying that Mitt Romney is having trouble generating enthusiasm among Iowa voters. Now, ladies and gentlemen, you know you have a problem when people in Iowa find you dull.

Iowa is a state in the Midwest that manufactures pigs, corn and old people.

There's a plan for the Pentagon to cut almost half a trillion dollars from the military. The Pentagon plans to pay for future wars by divorcing Kobe Bryant.

Today are the Republican Iowa caucuses. Or, as it's also known, 'old white guy Mardi Gras.'

North Korea may not have enough money to preserve the body of Kim Jong Il. Unfortunately, this leaves North Koreans with only one alternative: Kim Jong jerky. … You heard of Slim Jims? How about Slim Kims?

It's been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine.

Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset.

It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded.

On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said, 'I am also not a fan of gay milk.'

Mitt Romney has received criticism for using the campaign slogan “Keep America American” because that slogan was once used by the KKK. Now he is overcompensating because his new slogan is 'Mitt Romney, Straight Out of Compton.'

Newt Gingrich released a statement promising he would not cheat on his wife. Even better, he said he wouldn't cheat on his next wife either, or the one after that.

Yesterday, someone threw a pair of shoes at Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Iran has captured the shoes and is studying their technology.

Many voters feel that Mitt Romney is out of touch with real Americans after he tried to make a bet with Rick Perry for $10,000. When asked to comment, Mitt said, 'I'm sorry, but that's all I had in my pocket at the time.'

Iran announced it will not return the American spy drone it recently captured. Yeah, they're also refusing to return the Limp Bizkit album they borrowed 10 years ago.

The White House held its annual Hanukkah celebration. It was a traditional Jewish ceremony, except for the part where it was hosted by a black man from Hawaii.

In a surprise move, this morning Herman Cain's penis announced it's still in the race.

An upcoming Republican debate will be moderated by Donald Trump. It will take place in the Trump Forum for the Future of Democracy and Casino.

One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn't that nice? And in front of that is a 400-pound ginger bread 'foreclosed' sign.

From Seth Meyers:

Congress will have a Secret Santa exchange involving both parties. The Democrats will give Republicans a gift. And that's it.

A man in Ohio has been calling women posing as a doctor and asking intimate questions about how they give themselves breast exams. Then he ends with, 'Vote for Herman Cain.'

Monday January 16, 2012

Indecision 2012 - Jon Huntsman Out, Rick Santorum In

Jon Huntsman goes back to the Land's End catalog he came from, and Evangelists get behind Rick Santorum.

From Stephen Colbert:

Nation, unless you live in a cave, I'm sure you've heard that yesterday's New Hampshire primary was won by Mitt Romney. And if you do live in a cave, I'm guessing you voted for Ron Paul.

During the debates I drank a shot every time I heard the word 'contraception.' I was more wasted than a contribution to Jon Huntsman.

The day before yesterday, Herman Cain suspended his campaign. That is a shame. He touched so many people.

From John Oliver of The Daily Show:

Rick Perry doesn't have an Achilles heel. He has an Achilles head. – Daily Show correspondent John Oliver

From Jon Stewart:

Here's what you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm already in hell. – Jon Stewart to Bill O’Reilly

Herman Cain seemed to sense his supporters needed something to lift their spirits, which is what led to Herman Cain saying the greatest nine words ever spoken by an American politician: 'I believe these words came from the Pokemon movie…'

And the best political photo ever.  This was posted on Fox News.  Just how little do they pay those copy writers over there?  That may be why every time Jon Stewart interviews over at Fox News that when he is exiting the building he gets accosted by Fox News employees whispering loudly, "Take me with you, please!"

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