Saturday, September 3, 2011

Funny Late Nite Jokes: Talking Trash Politics

LSU wins against the Oregon Ducks 40-27!  All is well in Louisiana tonite.

From Denny:  Catch up for the month of August on all the political and social commentary, courtesy of our beloved national comics.

With the state of our politics in the abyss of The No Sense Zone we all could use a good laugh and these guys sure don't disappoint! :)

The real question is not who are we going to vote for in 2012 but rather do any of us feel motivated to go vote at all considering all the crazy talk and broken promises?

Did you know that increasingly Americans get their news analysis from satirical comedians and blogs like this one?  They no longer trust the mainstream media to give them important details of the news.  It's more and more apparent that too many media outlets have their own agendas - like making money off forcing an interest in a story or situation: the minutia of the 2012 presidential election.

Is it any wonder when so many news outlets are controlled by Big Business?  Many quality news folks are told to stand down on stories that need to be pursued - at the threat of losing their jobs and getting blackballed in the industry.

So, check out our more honest analytical news brokers:  the comedians.  Stephen Colbert has been on point interviewing the obscure 2012 candidates like my own ex-Louisiana Gov. Buddy Roemer.  He was a Democrat who became a Republican but is such a liberal Republican he should go back to being a Democrat.

He's a straight-forward simple guy who is genuine - definitely not GOP material.  He hasn't made a dent on the GOP stage either so Colbert gave him some air time.  To his credit he did hold his own with the wild all over the map attitude of crazy Colbert.  The clips are worth the watching just to hear Colbert explain all the silly rules of his SuperPac.

Then move along to the clips with Jon Stewart interviewing the outgoing Obama economic adviser, Austan Goolsbee.  Obama goes through economic advisers like crap through a goose.  Goolsbee was right in that we should have established an Infrastructure Bank to get this country's technology up to code.  The Republicans fought that as well.  The GOP keeps running off good people out of government so it's no wonder we have left in the stable too many Tea Party Bozos running the show off the cliff.

Get a good laugh before you head back to work.  And, hey! Have a great Labor Day weekend!  Stay safe out there on the roads, especially with all the slow moving rain systems sweeping across the country.

From Conan O'Brien:

President Obama is on a bus tour to talk about jobs, and it turns out the bus was made in Canada. If he were a real American that bus would have been made in China.USA! USA!

Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in his house.

Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she’ll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him.

Texas Governor Rick Perry distanced himself from George W. Bush by saying, 'I went to Texas A&M. He went to Yale.' In other words, his idea of instilling confidence is by saying, 'Don’t worry. I’m not as smart as George W. Bush.'

Michele Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday even though it's actually the anniversary of his death. When told about the mistake, Bachmann said, 'My apologies to Elvis, and the entire Costello family.'

Mitt Romney said he was in Iowa when he was actually in New Hampshire. He explained, 'I accidentally mixed up my sea of white people.'

The White House sent Vice President Joe Biden to China today. So now we owe them a trillion dollars AND an apology.

Newt Gingrich, who came in 8th place in the Iowa Straw Poll, said he's 'not dead yet.' Then he was invited on 'Dancing With the Stars,' and he said, 'OK, now I'm dead.'

Michele Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll. She said she hasn't been this excited since she won last year's 'Who's Crazier Than Sarah Palin' contest.'

Tim Pawlenty announced that he's dropping out of the race for president. Pawlenty said he wants to spend more time with his family because even they don't know who he is.

Canada imposed a ban on trade with North Korea. No more hockey highlight DVDs for Kim Jong Il.

The NYPD created a new unit that will use social media sites to catch criminals. Criminal caught on Facebook and Twitter will be arrested, while criminals caught on MySpace will be told about Facebook.

Republican Congressman Phil Hinkle, who voted to ban gay marriage, was caught propositioning a male prostitute. Hinkle said, 'Well, I wasn’t going to marry him.'

Some political analysts are saying that President Obama is making many of the same mistakes that President Bush made. Obama said, 'That's ridiculous, and if you'll excuse me, 'Spongebob' is on.'

Nancy Pelosi has named the final members of the committee charged with reducing the debt. Unfortunately, the committee includes MC Hammer, Willie Nelson, and Nicholas Cage.

The FCC says you will soon be able to send text messages to 911. I'm sure 911 operators can't wait to get texts that say, 'Being carjacked, LOL.'

Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman announced that he received the endorsement of Jeb Bush, Jr., who is the son of the brother of the former president. Analysts say he's sewn up the crucial 'guy you didn't know existed' vote.

A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are canceling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes.

Newsweek is taking heat for calling Michele Bachmann 'The Queen of Rage.' Michele says, 'There's only one raging queen in our household, and it's not me.'

New reports say that President Obama's re-election team is going to try to portray Mitt Romney as 'weird.' They're also going to try to portray Michele Bachmann as 'Michele Bachmann.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger was seen wearing a t-shirt that said, 'I Survived Maria.' Maria Shriver was seen wearing a shirt that said, 'I Survived 'Twins.' 'End of Days' and 'Jingle All the Way.'

After Monday's 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. The stock market is acting like me after two appletinis.

Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins.

A new study shows that Americans with Type 2 diabetes can completely reverse the disease by eating healthy foods. In other words, no cure for Type 2 diabetes.

China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie.

Standard & Poor’s has lowered our credit rating to AA, which means no one will lend us money or go to 2nd base with us.

The economy’s so bad Angelina Jolie is now adopting kids from America. My Facebook friends are now eating their Farmville animals. Piers Morgan can only afford to hack into the voicemail of Ringo.

A new poll shows that President Obama is losing support among voters in Florida, which explains why this morning he sent SEAL Team 6 out to get Casey Anthony.

Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver to Obama the white, middle-class female vote. They also say Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote.

Several Fox News hosts criticized 'Spongebob Squarepants' for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see 'Dora the Explorer's' immigration papers.

The whole 4th season of 'Jersey Shore' takes place in Italy. I had no idea the Pope even had a hot tub.

A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term.

The president signed the debt ceiling bill into law. Democrats hate it and Republicans hate it, so I guess it can't be that bad.

The debt deal calls for the formation of a 'super Congress' to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you're wondering, a super Congress consists of six congressmen from each party, plus Wolverine.

"The world's 7 billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In Washington a Native American tribe has approved same-sex marriage. The move was led by the tribe's leader, Dances to Gaga.

Cher tweeted that Michele Bachmann needs to go back to school and take a history class. Michele Bachmann said, 'Because of that comment I'm going to make my husband take down his Cher posters.'

The debt deal sets the debt limit until 2013. The best part is that it prevents another 'Smurfs' movie before 2014.

President Obama says that for his birthday, he wants a deal on the national debt. In other news, Michelle Obama is at the Apple store trying to buy a $4 trillion iTunes gift card.

Oprah Winfrey announced plans to return to television with a new show. That's how bad things are in this country – even Oprah has run out of money.

From Jay Leno:

Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded. Maybe Irene owed money to China too.

Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.

They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.

New York even the subways were closed for Irene. New Yorkers had nowhere to go to the bathroom. They were stunned.

The rhetoric is heating up between Republicans Rick Perry and Mitt Romney. These two do not like each other. Perry has opposed many of Romney's positions – but to be fair, so has Romney.

Vice President Joe Biden has been in China meeting with the Chinese Vice President. One embarrassing moment during the trip when he met the Chinese Vice President's children, he said, 'What factory do you work in? Those are nice sneakers, did you make those?'

President Obama's uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. Remember when the most embarrassing person in the president's life was Joe Biden?

How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt.

I read Dick Cheney's book. I don’t want to ruin it for anybody, but in the final chapter he kills Harry Potter. If you want the book, in the bookstore go past the self-help section. It’s in the self-serving section.

Michele Bachmann was asked if she was a submissive wife. She said no, but her husband is.

President Obama will begin a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are confusion, delusion, and desperation.

The Republicans had their big debate in Iowa. You know who the winner was? Anyone that didn't watch.

Newt Gingrich made a surprise announcement. He’s still in the race.

It's the 76th anniversary of Social Security. I mention it because there's no guarantee that there will be a 77th.

General Mills is releasing new lip balms that taste like Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms. Or as Joe Biden put it: 'Nice. They should make one for Lucky Nuts.

"It has been a crazy week for stocks. First down, then up, then down, and today they are up again. It's like trying to follow Gary Busey when he's off his meds." –Jay Leno

"Congress is now appointing a debt committee to deal with the debt. I thought Congress was the debt committee. Aren't they the ones who put us in debt?" –Jay Leno

President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America 'a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? When was this not urgent? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the Congressmen that just went on a five-week vacation. Can we get their asses back here?

Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. You know why? Look who owes them all the money. They know we don't have it.

President Obama says he inherited most of the problems with the economy. I think he's being modest. He deserves a little credit.

Finally some good news: the price of gas is going down. They say it could soon be under three dollars a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money. It's the trifecta of the recession!

"The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.

According to the Mexican government, the number of people leaving Mexico for the United States is now practically zero. It's true. The other day I was in downtown Los Angeles and I heard something down there I haven't heard in years: English.

They say the price of gas could soon be under $3 a gallon. Do you know what that means? You can now afford to drive by the house you used to live in, go by the job you used to have, and go see the bank where you used to have money.

President Obama said this week that the downgrading of our credit rating should give America 'a renewed sense of urgency.' A renewed sense of urgency? The only people that don't think it's urgent are the congressmen that just went on a five week vacation.

Did you know that China has the exact same credit rating that we do? You'd think their credit would be better, but it's not. Look who owes them all the money.

Sarah Palin's daughter-in-law just gave birth three months after getting married, and thus won the annual Palin Almost Abstinent Award.

There have been huge riots in England the past couple of days. People are fighting, throwing rocks, smashing windows. And they're doing it the hard way, without a soccer game.

The United States has been downgraded, and this is how bad it is: Even Greece won't talk to us.

Great day today! Obama didn't speak. Congress didn't act. Experts on vacation. And the Dow soared 400 points. There's a lesson in there.

'Rise of the Planet of the Apes' made $54 million this weekend. It's about small-brained creatures who rise up and take over the Earth. First they form political groups called Tea Parties.

"Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.

Big riots in the United Kingdom. Do you know how you can tell the riots are in London? Because there they riot on the other side of the street.

A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was, and started swimming in the other direction.

S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+, and it gets worse. Today, Italy, England, and Greece un-friended us on Facebook.

Standard and Poor's has also warned there's a 1 in 3 chance we could be downgraded again in the next three years. We could go from AA+ to F.U. That's how bad it's gotten.

The good news is, the stock market is closed and it can't hurt us again until tomorrow.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner announced he's not going to resign. He had suggested he might be leaving and getting a job in the private sector. But thanks to his economic policies there are no jobs in the private sector, so I guess he's going to stay.

I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury. It must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it.

Only a couple of days until the big Republican Iowa Republican straw poll. Pollsters say it's a dead heat between the guy you never heard of, the guy who used to be somebody, and the woman who has no chance of winning.

It turns out that Texas Gov. Rick Perry got a D in Principles of Economics. So he can't be president, but he can get a job on President Obama's economic team.

In the movie 'Rise of the Planet of the Apes,' not only do the apes take over, but they actually do a better job with the debt crisis than humans.

Later this month President Obama will embark on a bus tour through the Midwest that will focus on jobs. Mainly him trying to keep his.

On this day in 1861, the federal income tax went into effect. Actually, what happened was, back in those days there were lots of armed robbers and thieves, so the government rounded them all up – thus forming I.R.S. as we know it today.

I have some bad news for the Chinese; that money we were going to pay you back with, turns out we had it in the stock market. Tough break.

Some good news; after one of the worst weeks in 30 years the market slightly recovered today. Up 60 points! Sixty points! In fact, economists say if we can do that every day for the next 200 years we'll be back to where we were last week. So that's fantastic.

Happy birthday to President Obama. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, Obama was in his 40s and his approval rating was in the 50s. Now it's the other way around.

There was a big 50th birthday party for President Obama in Chicago. It was kind of ironic at the party; the richest 1% of the guests took 42% of the cake. That was kind of interesting.

Because it's the big 5-0, the White House released his vital numbers: they say his cholesterol is 209, blood pressure's 105 over 62, but the number that is really going to kill him? Unemployment at 9.4%. That's the bad one.

Obama told his supporters that we've got Al Qaeda on the run. Apparently, Al Qaeda was in the stock market too.

They say because of our national debt every child born in this country owes $50,000. China had a message for those kids: 'We're hiring! Come on down! Make sneakers.'

It's being rumored that former Congressman Anthony Weiner, 'the peter Tweeter,' is being considered as a contestant on 'Dancing with the Stars.' The producers haven't told him one way or the other whether he's going to get the job. Anthony Weiner is not the kind of guy you want to leave dangling.

The producers of 'Dancing with the Stars' haven't told Anthony Weiner whether they're going to have him on the show. And he's a guy you don't want to leave dangling.

President Obama signed the new debt bill into law. But it doesn't really solve the problem. Economists say in 10 years, the deficit will be $27 trillion. But you know what? In 10 years, that'll be President Bieber's problem.

Just 10 days until the big Iowa Republican presidential straw poll. How many think Mitt Romney will win the straw poll? How many think Michele Bachmann will win? How many would rather vote for the straw?

It looks like President Obama will turn 50 years old on Thursday. Today Congress agreed to raise his age he will be 50.

To give you an idea how bad our credit is, I'll just say that if Obama asked China for another loan he has to get his mother-in-law to co-sign.

For months the Democrats said they would only go along with spending cuts that hurt the middle class if the wealthy were also asked to share the burden. Of course the Democrats wimped out. Did you hear their answer? 'Well, we asked the wealthy, but they said no.'

After the vote, Senator Chuck Schumer of New York said, "It's time for jobs to move to the front burner?" Notice that the only time these guys ever worry about our jobs is when they're about to lose theirs jobs.

"Here's an amazing fact: Apple has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. Is that really amazing? Wesley Snipes has more cash on hand than the U.S. government. We're broke!" –Jay Leno July was the hottest month on record in Washington, D.C. But it's not the heat that gets you; it's the stupidity.

A new report has found that adults in Washington D.C. are among the top users of cocaine in the country. Hence the name 'District of Columbia.'

That's what the study said. The study found that Washington D.C. residents were the top abusers of alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana. All this time we thought the problem was government waste. Nope – the government is wasted.

We finally have a debt deal. See what happens when the two parties put aside their principles and do what is best for them personally?

It's what they call a 'two-step' deal. It steps on the middle class and the lower class.

President Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can,' to 'Yes we cave'.

Dick Cheney's new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive.

This book is not for the faint–hearted. It was written by the faint–hearted.

Michelle Obama's Let's Move campaign to reduce childhood obesity is under attack from the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. A study shows fat acceptance peaks in bars just about closing time.

The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry.

From Jimmy Kimmel:

A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it’s going to come down to who wears the most flag pins.

Perry is an attractive candidate for many conservatives, because he wants smaller government, to cut national spending, and he knows how to fire a grenade launcher. He’s like the Sarah Palin of politics.

Rick Perry was once a Democrat. Just once, in college. He was experimenting. Donald Trump may be running for president, and why not? He’s got that everyman quality that we can all relate to.

A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn't sound too bad to me. You'd probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.

President Obama is touring the country in a bus, because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus.

Mitt Romney is calling Obama's bus tour the 'Magical Misery Tour,' which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.

President Obama is riding around the Midwest in a bus, because nothing inspires confidence in the American economy like a President riding around in a bus. The President should be on a jet-ski with a machine gun.

Republican front-runner Mitt Romney is mocking Obama’s bus caravan, calling it The Magical Misery Tour, which is sort of funny coming from the President of the Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hair Club for Men.

Michelle Bachmann paid $30 each for 6,000 voting tickets in Iowa and got 4,800 votes, so 1,200 people stole her $30. It’s funny that someone who doesn’t believe in government handouts paid 6,000 people to vote for her.

Tim Pawlenty dropped out of the race for president, saying he wants to spend more time lacking charisma with his family.

Only 39 percent of Americans approve of the job President Obama is doing. Ratings are at an all-time low, but ratings for 'Jersey Shore' are at an all-time high.

If I were president, I would just pass a law against opinion polls. Hit them at the source.

Levi Johnston, who got Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol pregnant, has a sister Mercede, who just posed for 'Playboy' and said some very unflattering things about the Palins. She said Track Palin, who she dated, used cocaine and oxycodone, that Sarah Palin forced him to go into the military to protect herself, and that if Palin became President she'd have a mental breakdown. Then the photographer asked her to turn a little so he could get both nipples.

Financial analysts are worried that we may be headed for a double-dip recession. That sounds delicious to me.

Here's what I don't understand about rioting. If you're going to destroy a city for no reason, why destroy your own city? Move one city over.

Sarah Palin now has a second grandchild. Think how many she'd have if the Palins didn't practice abstinence. The kid's name is Grizzly Frances Moosehead Palin.

Our national credit rating was downgraded and it caused a nosedive on Wall Street. If I had any understanding of any of this, I'd be very nervous right now, but fortunately I don't.

Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience.

Donald Trump told CNN he may consider getting back into the presidential race. He said he has to mull it over, comb it over, and he'll go from there

There have been major riots in London. Apparently they realized that this is the last 'Harry Potter' movie. The United States' credit rating was downgraded to AA+. Am I the only one who thinks that doesn't sound so bad?

We owe China more than a trillion dollars. Why don't we just give them Florida?

President Obama said that even though we've been downgraded, we're still a AAA nation. Unfortunately, he meant in the minor league baseball sense.

A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two percent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 percent weren't home when the question was asked.

We’ve always been told our kids and grandkids are going to have to pay for our reckless spending. Now WE have to pay?! Wall Street got so hammered today Ronnie and The Situation tried to have sex with it.

The stock market had its biggest one-day drop since 2008. Remember how the experts said we had to raise the debt ceiling or the market would crash? Well, they were half right.

It's President Obama's birthday. I can't believe it's been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate.

Happy birthday to President Obama, who is turning 50, although Republicans in Congress are demanding he cut his age to 40.

President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in his hometown of Chicago. Oprah jumped out of the cake. Then she jumped back in. She loves cake.

It's interesting to see the Tea Party go from a small group of people that everyone thinks is crazy to a large group of people that everyone thinks is crazy.

The make-up sex in Congress tonight is going to be something. Why would we celebrate Arbor Day as a national holiday, and not Shark Week? I'll start caring about trees when trees start biting sea lions in half.

If the Senate approves the debt deal, President Obama will sign it into law by the end of the day. All it took was the threat of financial Armageddon to get both sides working together.

Democrats say they didn’t lie down. They say they were planking. Happy birthday to Arnold Schwarzenegger. The best part about having an illegitimate kid is an extra birthday present this year.

From Craig Ferguson:

Happy birthday to Sen. John McCain, who turned 75 today. He celebrated with a party that was going just fine – until he invited Sarah Palin.

If you like light summer reading, Dick Cheney's memoir came out at midnight . In Washington, D.C. this is like a 'Harry Potter' book coming out. There were long lines of bald old men outside bookstores, putting electrodes on each other's nipples. Then they heard about Cheney's book coming out.

Reviewers say Cheney's book shows a new sensitive side and reaches out to his former enemies. Ha ha! No, he goes after his enemies like they're lawyers on a quail hunt. He blasted Rumsfeld and Colin Powell and even President Bush's dog Barney. He says, 'That dirty bastard was leaving dirt bombs all over the White House, and so was Barney.

Our thoughts go out to everyone on the East Coast waiting for Hurricane Irene. In Washington, D.C., thousands of people have been left without power. They’re called Democrats.

Dick Cheney says that when people in Washington read his new book, 'heads will be exploding.' When Cheney says heads will be exploding, he means it.

The east coast is still cleaning up after the earthquake. Experts say this only happens once a century. It’s Larry King’s third.

Apparently there’s a crack in the Washington Monument. Calm down, Marion Barry, I said 'a crack.'

Gaddafi's sons are getting arrested. A revolution is not the best time to be a dictator’s sons, or as they’re called in Libya, dictator tots. It’s tater tots with a “dic” in front.

No one knows where the low-budget Bond villain Moammar Gaddafi is. He swears he’ll die in his compound. He’s a guy, once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it. Look at this picture. “I’m going to wear the curtains.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Happy Birthday to John McCain, who turned 75 years old today! A lot has changed since he was born. Back then a dollar was worth 20 cents. Today, it's not worth nearly that much.

Get this. In a recent interview, Dick Cheney said that his new memoir will have quote 'heads exploding' in D.C. Yeah, especially if you read it while you're on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

John McCain turned 75 today. He thought Hurricane Irene was a flapper he had a crush on in the '20s. On Friday the world's oldest woman celebrated her 115th birthday in Georgia. John McCain said, 'Irene!?

A new survey revealed that being an IT guy is the most hated job in the country. Or as President Obama put it, 'Wanna bet?'

The federal government has a new plan that will let people send texts to 911. Yeah, it's a little frustrating when you try to text 'Burglar! Please hurry!,' and it auto-corrects to 'Burger, please. Hungry.'

President Obama took campaign workers out for burgers yesterday and left a 35 percent tip. Man, that guy is so generous with China's money.

After all the rioting in London this week, officials are worried that it could mean security problems for the Olympics next year. On the bright side, the guy running with the torch will just blend right in.

During a call with investors, Rupert Murdoch said that News Corp made $2.7 billion last year. Murdoch said if investors had any questions, they should contact him by leaving a message on their own voicemails.

Michele Bachmann said that if she's elected president, she won't read words off a teleprompter. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin said that if she's elected president, she won't read words.

The Republican Party is making automated robocalls to voters, blaming Democrats for the credit downgrade. Yeah, I thought I got a robocall from Mitt Romney. Turns out it was actually Mitt Romney.

Michele Bachmann is on the cover of the latest issue of Newsweek. Did you see the picture? That's when you know it's bad, when even you look surprised you're running for president.

Rush Limbaugh accused President Obama of trying to inflict as much damage as possible in four years. And then Rush Limbaugh's chair accused him of doing the same thing.

The Dow fell 634 points and went below the 11,000 mark. All I can say is: It's a good thing all my money is tied up in Beanie Babies.

There was a small fire today at President Obama's vacation home in Martha's Vineyard. Or as Obama told China, 'Darn! That's where I was keeping the $14 trillion I was about to give back! What are the odds?'

Been a tough year for the NY Yankees, lost all 4 series vs the Red Sox. So today S&P downgraded the Yankees to the Mets.

Man, America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it, 'What happens if I get a flat tire?'

About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Yeah, things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from 'Verizon' to 'AT&T.

A new study found that presidents age two times faster than normal people while they're in office. Or as John McCain put it, 'Whew — good thing I lost!'

"Man, it's been a tough time for the economy, but this week, President Obama declared that quote 'things will get better.' Yep, and then he opened his eyes, and blew out the candles on his birthday cake.

"Today Michelle Obama urged her husband's supporters to sign an e-card for his 50th birthday. Which explains why Joe Biden has magic marker all over his computer screen.

Fox News will host the next Republican primary debate on Aug. 11 in Iowa. Yeah, Fox News will ask some tough questions, like 'How much better are you than Obama,' 'Why is Obama such a bad president,' and 'Man, can you believe we elected that guy?

President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, then Republicans cut everything else.

While eating at a burger place , President Obama gave a free milkshake to an 11-year-old boy. Not to be nice, he just wanted to get rid of it because he saw Michelle coming.

A woman here in New York was arrested for pouring chili on $700 worth of Victoria's Secret underwear. Or as Rush Limbaugh calls that, foreplay. 'Why don't you slip into something a little more con carni?'

The TSA has a new program where agents have in-depth conversations with passengers to detect suspicious behavior. Or as most people put it, 'You know what, I'll just take the groping.

We finally have a deal on the debt ceiling. But get this – Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver is referring to the plan as a 'sugar-coated Satan sandwich.' Or as Americans put it, 'Sugar-coated? Yum – I'll take six, please!'

McDonald's is planning to open a restaurant every day in China for the next four years. It's nice — When kids get their Happy Meal toy, they're like, 'Cool! I made this.'

An ex-Louisiana governor just married a woman 51 years younger. Or as Hugh Hefner put it, 'Does she have a daughter?'

The Justice Dept is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It's only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call.

In a new interview, President Obama said Ben Franklin is the Founding Father he would most like to meet. Meanwhile, Joe Biden said that Panthro is the ThunderCat he would most like to meet.

From Bill Maher:

We finally got a debt deal. It's a jobs killer. It'll bring back the recession. It didn't do anything to fix the entitlements. The only bright spot was that Gabrielle Giffords came back to Congress to vote. And she must have been thinking, 'I got shot in the head for this?'

John Boehner bragged that he got 98% of what he wanted from Obama in the deal. So contrary to popular belief, black does crack.

Congress has the lowest approval rating ever. 82 percent of the American people say Congress sucks. But to be fair, these are the same idiots who voted these people in, so they can go suck it as far as I'm concerned.

There are consequences to voting for economic terrorists. There's a rumor that Joe Biden called the Republicans terrorists this week. And they were furious about this. They were so upset about being called terrorists, they went out and took the FAA hostage.

The Dow went down 500 points. Standard & Poor's downgraded us. Moody’s turned us from AAA to WTF. I don't want to say the economy is worrisome, but I turned on CNN and MSNBC and the blond anchor lady was just sitting there eating a pint of ice cream.

Yesterday Barack Obama had a birthday. Or as Republicans call it, Kwanzaa. I don't know how much you know about Barack Obama, but he was briefly president of the United States, and yesterday he turned 50, although if Republicans insist, he is willing to be 52.

Think how far Obama has come. Not long ago, a lot of people in this country thought he was a secret Kenyan, or a secret Muslim. Now we know he's a secret Republican.

The only way they’re going to pull the debate back from the far right is for liberals to elect their own slate of 60 unstable, looney-toon, mad-as-a-hatter, crazy motherf**kers.

"So please liberals start trolling Whole Foods parking lots, nude beaches, erotic cake stores, the MSNBC commissary. Anywhere where you might find angry left-wing lunatics to create a party within a party, as the Tea Party is a party within the Republicans, and to show that we will not back down in a crazy-off against anybody. The party within a party will be called the Donner Party.

That’s right, we will literally eat each other before we give an inch, and this is our leader, Face Ripper Monkey… And don’t tell me that there already is such an entity on the left, that it’s the ACLU, Greenpeace and Oh please, those are educated people lawyers and scientists. We need loudmouths and bad dressers who can match the tea people maniac for maniac, and say to them you think you can be pea brained, single minded, and purple with rage?

Well, the Donner Party is a dog that can bark at a pine cone for nine days and not get tired. You say no new taxes on the rich. We say tax the rich at 100%. You call for a constitutional amendment banning abortion. We call for a federally funded partial birth abortions at the drive-thru at McDonalds. You want Reagan on the fifty dollar bill. We insist on Jeanine Garofalo, because apparently crazy is the new sensible and will not lose the war of bad ideas.

From Stephen Colbert:

Rick Perry is now the front runner. Of course they’re letting him run in front. Because he’s the one with the gun.

‎Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote. ‎

There is no coordination between Colbert Super PAC and the Perry campaign; that would be wrong and illegal. They are as separate as church and state under a Perry Administration.

Now that Pawlenty is out, the big question is whether Bachmann or Perry will get his supporter. In Iowa in her tent Michele Bachmann had Randy Travis and a petting zoo. Of course you were only allowed to pet animals of the opposite sex.

Michele Bachmann’s victory in the straw poll may have had something to do with her helping her supporters pay for their $30 voting ticket — by paying for their voting ticket. Bachmann paid $180,000 to hand out 6,000 tickets, and she got 4,800 votes. She got a commanding 80% of the votes she paid for. I think this proves she can win if she can get 50 million voters into a field, fill them with barbecue and let their children pet Randy Travis.

Corporations are people. It's time to remake 'Guess Who's Coming to Dinner' where the daughter brings home an oil rig. You know Spencer Tracy won't want to see his daughter drilled." –Stephen Colbert, on Mitt Romney's declaration that "corporations are people"

Yes, corporations are people, my friend. They're like members of your family. Your Brother fax machine, your Uncle Ben, your Auntie Anne, your Mama Celeste, your Go Daddy. ‎

Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman are both Mormon. One of these guys could be our next president. The other one is Jon Huntsman.

‎We need God's forgiveness -- or at least China's. Obama is going to use 'weird' as code for 'Mormon.' I am really starting to respect that urban, rhythmic, Socialist, Kenyan secret Muslim." – Stephen Colbert, on the Obama campaign's apparent plan to target Mitt Romney as "weird."

Standard & Poor’s has downgraded us from AAA to AA+. We have to take a note home and have our parents sign it. Don’t pull anything out of the stock market until 12:45 tomorrow. By then I should be over international waters.

America gets a double A plus? The only other countries with that rating are Belgium and New Zealand. That's us now. Waffle-eating kiwis, putting mayonnaise on our French fries with a serious Hobbit infestation.

If the Lord can turn water into wine, surely he can turn debt into wine – which is good, because we're gonna need a drink.

It is completely inappropriate for the president to turn a year older when the nation is in crisis.

‎I say we live our lives the way our founding fathers intended: four-feet tall, crippled with rickets until we die of old age at 28.

I don't believe in birth control. If you want to control your fertility, do it the way God intended: with a cold, loveless marriage.

Colbert Interviews Obscure 2012 Candidate Farmer and Gov.Buddy Roemer

Thursday July 28, 2011

Colbert Report: Buddy Roemer Pt .1

Republican presidential candidate Buddy Roemer takes no PAC money and wants to kick the special-interest hogs off the trough.

Thursday July 28, 2011

Colbert Report: Buddy Roemer Pt. 2

Republican presidential candidate Buddy Roemer needs financial help from Iowans, but Trevor Potter has warned him not to discuss his campaign plans with Stephen.

From Jon Stewart:

Our prayers are answered! America's own 'Legion of Doofs.' – Jon Stewart on the new congressional Super Committee

It's never enough for the media. They're like children: 'Mom, can I get a Paul Ryan?' 'I just got you a Rick Perry! And you already broke your Michele Bachmann. And before I get you anything else, where the f**k is your Ron Paul?'

President Obama’s new slogan is: 'I Thought We Could, but It Turns Out the Other Guys Are Assholes.' Jon Stewart, riffing on Rick Perry's remark that Americans should want a president who's "in love" with America:

You want a president who would, in a rainstorm, grab America's hand and take shelter with America in a nearby barn. Maybe help America out of its wet clothes. Maybe lay America down on some hay bales. And then, as America and Rick Perry become one, the sounds of their lovemaking merging with the thunderstorm's cacophony, the barn shutters rattling, the livestock, the livestock they want to look away but they can't, their eyes are transfixed. I am Rick Perry and, unlike Barack Obama, I will f*ck the shit out of America.

[Clip about Governor Rick Perry of Texas with the announcer saying: "He's close to his family. Remember, his father-in-law did his vasectomy."] Jon Stewart:

And may I remind you, his father-in-law is not a doctor. Why would the Josh Brolin character from 'W.' be running for....what!? That's a real guy? – Jon Stewart on Rick Perry

He's not George Bush on steroids. Rick Perry is what happens if Lex Luther distilled down George Bush essence in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a nuclear missile and shot it into the f*cking sun! And then, waited, waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!

If all of Jon Huntsman’s supporters met at the Ames, Iowa Quiznos, the fire marshal would say, ‘yeah, that’s fine, here are some more seats.'

How did libertarian Ron Paul become the 13th floor in a hotel?" –Jon Stewart on the media ignoring Paul's second plash finish in the Iowa Straw Poll

Sarah Palin is bringing her bus to Iowa. She's not going to be part of the debate, just close enough to drown it out. I swear she's going to run for Mayor of Cockblockington. ‎

[Megyn Kelly] used to hate entitlement programs, mandated benefits and things like that. See if you can spot the difference between Megyn Kelly coming off of maternity leave and some of her earlier work. ‎

Never get between a Mama Grizzly and her maternity leave. – Jon Stewart on Megyn Kelly

Newsweek used a photo to make Michele Bachmann appear crazy. That's what her words are for.

I look at that picture and say, isn't that a little soon to be doing a female re-make of the 40-Year-Old Virgin?

"S&P makes a $2 trillion mistake. Or as it's known in financial circles, a "Trump." –Daily Show tweet

By the way, the ratings agency is Standard & Poor's. Who's going to listen to a company whose name translates to Average & Below Average?

We finally get a black President, and our credit goes bad. If Obama's going to be stereotyped as black he should own it. And by 'own it' I mean rent it. – Daily Show "senior black correspondent" Larry Wilmore

I see Congress more as a bunch of monkeys. High-fiving each other in celebration, having forgotten that mere moments ago they were throwing their own feces. – Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones Go ahead, Tea Party Congress people, put on your tri-corner hats, play your fifes, and dance the minuet. Tea party like it's 1799.

Jon Stewart Interviews Outgoing Chief Economist Austan Goolsbee

Wednesday August 3, 2011

Exclusive - Cheat Sheet - Austan Goolsbee

Before top White House economic adviser Austan Goolsbee joins Jon at the desk tonight, get all caught up on his past appearances with this exclusive preview.

Wednesday August 3, 2011

Austan Goolsbee Pt. 1

Chairman of the council of economic advisors Austan Goolsbee wants the government to focus on America's growth agenda and talks about leaving his job.

Wednesday August 3, 2011

Austan Goolsbee Pt. 2

Austan Goolsbee explains the economic stimulus plan and the subsequent spending cuts included in the debt ceiling deal.

Wednesday August 3, 2011

Exclusive - Austan Goolsbee Extended Interview Pt. 1

In this unedited, extended interview, outgoing chairman of the council of economic advisors Austan Goolsbee discusses leaving Washington for Chicago.

Wednesday August 3, 2011

Exclusive - Austan Goolsbee Extended Interview Pt. 2

Austan Goolsbee wants the government to refocus on American business and create an infrastructure bank in this unedited, extended interview.

From David Letterman:

Dick 'Kaboom' Cheney has written a book, and he says he wouldn't change anything. He feels strongly about this. He'd still invade the wrong country.

Cheney says he wrote the memoir because friends encouraged him to do it. This guy has friends?

Moammar Gadhafi had a photo album of pictures of Condoleezza Rice. Who doesn't have one of those?

Gadhafi is apparently on the run, though today he released a message congratulating Beyonce on her pregnancy.

Moammar Gadhafi had escape tunnels, gold plumbing fixtures, and pictures of Condoleezza Rice. It's like I have a twin.

Dick Cheney's new memoir will be a best seller. I think it's published by 'Simon & Shooter.'

Michele Bachmann is publishing her memoir. Why can't we pray that away?

The CIA is hoping Moammar Gadhafi's weapons don't fall into the wrong hands. Weren't they already in the wrong hands?

Happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 50 years old. Whether you like him or not, it's a tremendous success story. This guy was born in a hut in Kenya and grew up to be president of the United States.

Obama got some lovely presents. China gave him an extension on his rent.

President Obama’s popularity is slipping while he’s on vacation. When he went for a walk on the beach, the tide went out.

I was watching Fox News today. I lost a bet.

A year ago the Chilean miners were rescued. The year before the feel-good story was the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson. So what's the feel-good story of 2011? Anthony Weiner.

"Top Ten Ways Barack Obama Celebrated His Birthday"

10. Updated his resume.

9. Treated himself to piece of first lady's carob-flavored kelp loaf birthday cake.

8. Asked for an iPad, let Republicans negotiate him down to a wad of gum.

7. Pizza and video games at Washington kids' restaurant 'Chuck E. Schumer's.

6. Asked for any cash gifts to be in Canadian dollars.

5. Sent 82nd Airborne on In-N-Out Burger run.

4. Invited fun costumed characters.

3. 'Shark Week' and two pints of Chubby Hubby.

2. Got a fabulous makeover from Michele O'Bachmann's husband.

1. Forged a Kenyan birth certificate to get him out of this miserable job.

According to a new poll, voters described the way Congress behaved during the debt debate as 'disgusting, stupid, and ridiculous.' They would have also accepted 'gutless and cowardly.'

A lot of people want to know what Osama bin Laden's last words were. In a new article, they tell you: 'Come in.'

They say we avoided economic disaster. So now we're $16 trillion in debt. That's not 'economic disaster?'

Vice President Joe Biden referred to the Tea Party as 'terrorists.' This is a real slap in the face — to terrorists.

Obama achieved the same kind of compromise with the Republicans that Custer reached with Sitting Bull.

The Tea Party is not happy with the deal. Everything they wanted is not enough.

Yesterday, earthquake; today, hurricane. Where do you go next — Tripoli?

The earthquake registered 5.8 on the Richter scale. I’ve had bigger heart attacks than that.

The earthquake was so strong that the Tea Party shifted to the center.

President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha’s Vineyard. It’s really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating.

After the earthquake on the East Coast, they found Mayor Bloomberg standing under his desk.

On the bright side, I didn’t have to shake my morning martini.

They felt the earthquake at Martha’s Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt.

They traced the epicenter of the earthquake to N.J. Governor Chis Christie’s aerobics class. No, to Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon suite.

Today Mitt Romney announced he’s building a $12-million beach house in California. There’s a man who can read the mood of the country.

A guy last week put a fatwa out on me. CBS has been great. When they heard about it, they started holding auditions for my replacement.

A guy, a radical extremist, threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel … I think the first time was during the Academy Awards.

I’m sorry I was late coming out. Backstage I was talking to the guy from CBS. We were going through the CBS insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.

Tonight you people are more to me than an audience. You’re more like a human shield.

"Top Ten Things Overheard During The East Coast Earthquake"

10. "That was the scariest two seconds of my life!"

9. "It's lootin' time"

8. "Hey, you forgot your champagne"

7. "5.9 earthquake, it would have been a 6.2 if it had a better lead-in"

6. "These new Taco Bell chalupas are rockin' my world"

5. "My hiccups are gone"

4. "Wheeeeee!"

3. "Call FEMEMA, the Federal Extremely Minor Emergency Management Agency"

2. "Darn, right in the middle of laser eye surgery"

1. "Kirstie, stop with the jumping jacks!"