Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Daily Show Shutstorm 2013: Govt Shutdown Jokes Just Keep On Coming!


5 funny Daily Show, Colbert Report videos.

From Denny:  While the  American Congress acts like fighting children, risking the world economy in this stupid government shutdown, hey, look! it's Russian President Putin looking like a global statesman.  He's busy destroying chemical weapons while holding Syria's nasty feet to the fire until that mission is accomplished.

Can the world get any weirder when Russia sets aside thuggish behavior and takes the world lead acting with the debonair class America used to display in eras past?  Kiss classy goodbye in America.  It hasn't happened in a very long time.  Maybe the country will get lucky and Texas will organize a recall election for Sen. Ted Cruz and other Tea Party guys like him...

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President Obama finally decided to do a classy act after being dragged by wild liberal horses:  he finally nominated the right person to run the Federal Reserve.  Geesh!  What was Obama thinking to place that numb nuts Larry Summers in charge anyway?  As it looked to women:  placing Lawrence Summers in charge of the Fed was as deeply insulting and repulsive as it is to African-Americans to elevate the Ku Klux Klan's Dragon to head the NAACP.

Yeah, Summers was that distasteful.  How can any world leader like President Obama declare a man to be brilliant who turns around and declares all women to be too stupid to understand math and science?  Why on earth would anyone take seriously such an immature person of indelibly low emotional intelligence to head such an important post like the Fed?  It's women who run the households and pay the bills around the world. Summers thinks it's fine to insult us, likening us as some three-fifths of a whole person?  Women are the buyers that make the world economy run.  And this creep thought he was going to pat us on the head, label us as stupid and "show us the way" to prosperity?  Come on; really?

Fortunately, Obama finally realized, oh, look! the diligent workman who has been quietly and faithfully running the Fed as second in command all this time really is capable of the job, finally went ahead and nominated Janet Yellin.  Oh, look! and the markets suddenly jumped up all happy with the news since she wants to keep interest rates low and deal with inflation later.  You should read her speeches.  This woman gets it about the economy in average homes across the country.

It's reported that Yellin is unlikely to let off the hook the annoying Big Banks who are still bullying average Americans.  Those same Big Banks are no longer behaving as bankers.  They spend more time day trading on the stock exchange and buying up real estate and businesses, no longer loaning money to the middle class and small business.  Yet they don't wince once about using such cheap money from the Fed for their questionable endeavors, money which was intended to be used for loans to average people and small business.

Seems to me those Big Banks should no longer receive such cheap borrowing rates since they rarely make loans any more.  That special deal should go to the credit unions in communities all across the country who are willing to act like bankers making loans - even though technically credit unions are not called banks.  The world is upside down at the moment and in dire need of redefinition of what is what and who can do what to still qualify for special deals.

While the world waits for the political blowhards in Congress to get their act together, let's at least laugh at their absolute stupidity.  Congress really is comedy fodder for the masses.  Hey, maybe we could elevate Congress to a new world religion?  Nah, that would really feed their crazy already way too bloated egos.  They are about to spontaneously implode soon anyway, so, I guess we shouldn't do anything to hurry up that process.  But... maybe... should we...?  I can feel my Halloween tricking attitude coming on.

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From Jay Leno:

Happy TGIF – which stands for 'The Government's in Foreclosure.'

This government shutdown thing is getting old. The national parks are closed, museums are closed, and federal agencies are closed, but our borders are wide open. Don't worry about that.

A man in Montana's dog ate five $100 bills he had lying on the dresser. The guy collected his dog's droppings in the yard, took out the pieces of the bill, sent them to the Treasury Department with a note, and the Treasury sent him a check for $500. Isn't that refreshing, to see Washington paying for crap from us rather than the other way around?

House Speaker John Boehner said he stayed by the phone all weekend waiting for the president, but he never called. What do you mean stayed by the phone? What is this, 1965? The cellphone hasn't been invented?

In Philadelphia, a historic tavern – a tavern that was frequented by our Founding Fathers — has closed because of the shutdown. It opened in 1773. In fact, this iconic watering hole was once the scene of a legendary brawl between Benjamin Franklin and John McCain.

According to Pew Research, immigration is on the rise in this country. As you know, immigrants come here to do the jobs Americans don't want to do – like running the government.

President Obama has officially canceled his trip to Asia. He said he didn't want to be in Indonesia not doing anything to solve the crisis when he could be in Washington not doing anything to solve it.

Actually, it's the perfect time for President Obama to go to Asia. I mean, what better time to leave Joe Biden in charge of the country than during a shutdown?

It is day three of the government shutdown. Right now 33 percent of the government is doing absolutely nothing, which is not bad considering that before the shutdown 80 percent wasn't doing anything.

This shutdown is hurting everyone. Today Michelle Obama told fat kids: 'You're on your own. Eat a Happy Meal. I don't care.'

According to a new report, experts in Pakistan say $25 million in cash is smuggled out of Pakistan every day, and less than 1 percent of Pakistanis pay any income tax at all. Here's the amazing part: Somehow their government hasn't shut down, but ours has.

Regarding the problems with starting Obamacare, President Obama said that Apple had some glitches with the iPhone but then they fixed them. Technically the president is correct, but you have to remember: Apple has geniuses working there. This is Washington. They don't have any geniuses.

Scientists in Stockholm say hundreds of jellyfish have shut down a nuclear reactor. Hey, that's nothing. In this country, a bunch of spineless jellyfish have shut down the entire government.

This is unbelievable. The government is shut down. Even Al Qaeda couldn't do that. Do you realize that?

And as you know, all nonessential employees were sent home – like President Obama's economic team.

To all of you non-essential employees who have been forced out of your job: I work for NBC. I know how you feel.

Do you understand this whole government shutdown thing? I mean, I know it's about President Obama's health care plan, but the Republicans are the ones making us bend over.

And because of the shutdown, even the Smithsonian Institute is closed. And as a result, tourists who come to Washington and want to see historical relics... they're now being sent to John McCain's office.

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You can see the effects of the shutdown all over town. President Obama is now down to just one teleprompter.

You can see the effects of the shutdown all over town. It's terrible. President Obama now down to just one teleprompter - that's how bad it is.

It is so bad the animals at the National Zoo are being auctioned off to HomeTown Buffet. That's how bad it is.

It is so bad Iran will now be forced to negotiate with Dennis Rodman. That's how bad it's gotten.

It's hurting everybody. In fact, Nancy Pelosi and John Kerry are now being forced to use the same Botox needle. That's how bad it's gotten.

At the TSA, they're making passengers fondle and grope themselves. That's how bad.

It is so bad a lot of government workers are now watching reruns of Breaking Bad just to get the meth recipes. That's how bad it's gotten.

It is so bad John Boehner can't afford tanning cream anymore. He's just rubbing his face with Cheetos dust. That's how bad.

It is so bad Harry Reid has been forced to change his own embalming fluid. That's how bad it's gotten.

We've got the government shutdown, but the beginning of Obamacare. You know what that means? You can now complain to your doctor about the government making you sick.

How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?

I'm glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it's safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.

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Government Shutdown's One-Week Anniversary

President Obama refuses to negotiate with very flexible Republicans, and political leaders know that the shutdown is "not some damn game."  (05:12)

The Colbert Report
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From David Letterman:

At first people thought the government shutdown would last maybe a day, at the most a week. Now people are concerned, and experts are saying the shutdown may last as long as a Kardashian marriage. 

Obamacare covers a wide range of services and medical attention. For example, it will even cover a DNA test to see if you're Frank Sinatra's son.

President Obama is taking advantage of the government shutdown. It was announced earlier today that he has furloughed his mother-in-law.

People are saying now that before the government shutdown congressmen went out and got drunk – celebrating that they had shut down the government. This is the kind of thing that could damage their 10 percent approval rating.

They say it's a partial government shutdown, and I can remember something similar happened. It was like the government was shut down for eight years when Bush was president.

When you sign up for Obamacare you choose between the bronze program, the silver program, the gold program, and the platinum program. If you sign up for the platinum, you actually get to drive the ambulance.

The U.S. government has shut down so I think it will probably be best if you folks in the studio audience spent the night here.

Almost a million non-essential government employees were let go. Well, isn't that the problem, that there's that many non-essential employees?

Most of the White House staff is gone. The only one left is butler Forest Whitaker.

Even the NSA is out of business. And while they're closed, while the government is shut down, they are asking citizens to please spy on each other.

Government Shutdown Day Three

Barack Obama refuses to negotiate with Republicans, and GOP Rep. Marlin Stutzman admits that he doesn't know what the GOP wants.  (03:34)

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Video Archive

From Conan O'Brien:

People are mad at Congress because of the shutdown. According to a new poll, 69 percent of Americans say that House Republicans are acting like children. I think they may have a point because when asked about it, Republicans said, 'Ha ha you said 69.'

Fox News has started calling the government shutdown a 'government slimdown.' Also according to Fox News, none of the government workers have been furloughed, they just went to go live on a farm.

Senator Ted Cruz announced he's donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President.

The government shutdown could cost the American economy $300 million a day. To put that in perspective, it would be like every day the economy released a new Lone Ranger movie.

Because of the government shutdown, President Obama has had to scale back his planned trip to Asia. Now Obama's just going to cross the street and eat lunch at a Panda Express.

People have events in the national parks and they're canceled because of the shutdown. There was a KKK rally scheduled to be held in a national park that was canceled. This was bad news for the KKK but good news for the park's black bears.

Russian president Vladimir Putin has been named a candidate for this year's Nobel Peace Prize. His chances of winning are good because his strategy is to have the other nominees killed.

The federal government has shut down, and 800,000 federal employees are out of work. That explains why tonight our entire studio audience is made up of park rangers and astronauts.

The government shutdown is going to slash the budget for food inspection. That is bad news for health advocates, but great news for the new Japanese restaurant – Leap of Faith Sushi.

Shutstorm 2013: America Sits on Its Balls - Web Site Down

Americans will camp out all night to be the first people to buy a phone or see a movie about shirtless werewolves, but prove less patient when it comes to health care. (03:29)

From Craig Ferguson:

The government has been shut down for a whole week. If it were a Kardashian marriage, it would be over by now.

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

Most people think the IRS is just out to audit people. But that is not true. In addition to the people who do the audits, the IRS has people dedicated to defending taxpayers who get audited. But guess which group just got furloughed?

A lot of Republicans are hoping Democrats will eventually give in. I'm not so sure. If you're waiting for Nancy Pelosi to blink, it may be awhile. I don't know if it's technically possible." –Craig Ferguson

So far the ones hit hardest by the government shutdown are tourists because all the national parks are closed. Where will people go for anonymous sex? We still have the airport bathrooms, but that's only for Senators, and we can't all use that.

The American government has shut down. Who do you think you are? You work for us. I don't recall giving you the day off.
Right now more than 800,000 government employees are no longer getting paid. Don't worry. Every single member of Congress still gets paid. You are right to hiss and boo, my friends.

At least here in America, crucial agencies like the U.S. Border Patrol are still on the job. That's a good thing. The last thing we need is an influx of Canadians, with their politeness and a government that's open every day.

The shutdown means the national zoo is closed. Who'll feed the animals? Is anyone even there to lock them up at night? Pretty soon starving lions and tigers could charge out of the zoo. They'd devour the fattest, dumbest people on Capitol Hill. Actually that might be the answer to all of the problems.

From Stephen Colbert:

Why isn't the president telling Congress that shutting down the government is bad? And why won't he tell them the stove is hot? Boehner keeps burning his hand over and over again.

Republicans don't want to shut the government down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government.

Stephen Colbert explains the GOP strategy:  The rules are I go first, and I refuse to take my turn. And you can't take yours until I'm done. I know you're upset, but we're both at fault here, so let's negotiate. I agree to take my turn if you agree that I win.

Stephen Colbert on Republican claims that they are willing to compromise:  Every one of those offers is a compromise from the Republicans’ original offer: having Mitt Romney be president. But – surprise, surprise – Obama wouldn’t negotiate on that, either.

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From Seth Meyers:

Congress this week failed to agree on a budget deal, which led to a government shutdown, the first since 1995. So basically, the government shuts down every time Arsenio (Hall) gets a TV show. -   on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update

Because of the government shutdown, the U.S. Air Force Academy in Colorado is facing a toilet paper shortage. Giving new meaning to the phrase 'you've got a bogie on your tail.

Loser: John Boehner. I feel sorry for you buddy. It's exhausting watching you try maintain your dignity wrangling those Tea Party maniacs. You're like 'Seinfeld' if there were 30 Kramers.

Loser: GOP. A new Fox News poll shows that disapproval of the Republican Party during the shutdown has jumped to 59 percent. And that's a Fox News poll. Talk about getting booed on your home field. By the way, if Fox News says it's 59 percent, that's like the real news saying it's 3,000 percent.

Winner: Canada. Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada.

From Cecily Strong:

Winner: the Tea Party. It's always nice to see a vocal minority get their way. You're like the naked lunatic that gets his own subway car. So congrats on soiling yourself into power.

Loser, the Obamacare website, which had technical issues all week because of too much web traffic. You can't campaign on the fact that millions don't have health care and then be surprised that millions don't have health care. How could you not be ready? That's like 1-800-Flowers getting caught off guard by Valentine's Day.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Joe Biden had to cancel his appearance at a Democratic fundraiser tonight because of the government shutdown. And it got awkward when they announced that Biden wasn't coming and raised twice as much money.

A new survey found that 9 percent of Americans have considered giving up their U.S. citizenship because of the constant arguing in Washington. Today, even Obama was like, 'Are you SURE I wasn't born in Kenya?'

Nine percent of Americans would give up their citizenship because of all the fighting in D.C. You know things are bad when people getting caught at the Mexican border are being sent back to America.

Germany just unveiled its rainbow-colored Olympic uniforms, which seem to be a subtle protest against Russia's anti-gay laws. You can tell how much the world has changed when Germans are the ones who are saying, 'Discrimination is just wrong.'

This government shutdown has been such a big mess that Republicans are looking to Senator John McCain to negotiate a deal to end it. When asked if he could bring them together, McCain said, 'Hey, I did it with the Pilgrims and the Indians.'

Republicans were hoping John McCain would help them get their way on the spending bill — because if there's anyone who can beat Barack Obama, it's the guy who lost to Barack Obama.

A man in Montana says the U.S. Treasury has reimbursed him after his dog ate $500 dollars in cash. That explains why today the Treasury got a call from another guy who said, 'Uh, my dog Bo just ate $14 trillion.'

Last night President Obama had an hour-long meeting with Republicans and Democrats, but they were still unable to end the government shutdown situation. So don't worry – while the shutdown is putting people out of work and costing taxpayers millions of dollars, lawmakers did spend a whole hour trying to fix it.

Disneyworld said that it will help its employees sign up for Obamacare. So finally Sneezy can get some Claritin, Sleepy can get some Adderall, and Grumpy can get some Prozac.

The government shutdown – no one knows when the government will be back up and running. So if you've ever wanted to cut the tag off your mattress, do it now.

Several bars in Washington, D.C., are offering discounts on drinks to federal workers affected by the government shutdown. Or as people who aren't federal workers put it, 'I'm a federal worker.'

Because the government doesn't have any money, NASA had to close a Twitter account that warns the public about asteroids. So if you're someone who constantly checks Twitter to see if an asteroid's coming – would an asteroid really make your life any worse?

After Congress failed to reach an agreement on a new spending bill, the federal government officially shut down. So roads won't get fixed, public employees won't be able to help you, and getting a federal loan for a house will be very difficult – but there will also be a lot of differences.

There are reports that several members of Congress were actually drinking last night while they were debating the bill that could have avoided the government shutdown. Which explains that one part where they said, 'The floor recognizes the representative from Margaritaville!'

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From Jimmy Kimmel:

We are at a standstill with the government shutdown. It is costing $300 million a day. That is a full 'Ironman' sequel per day. We could be up to 'Ironman 7' tomorrow.

Nonessential government services have been put on hold. Flight safety inspectors furloughed. National monuments closed. The Grand Canyon is closed. They filled it with Spackle.

A CNN poll showed that the Congress approval rating is done to 10 percent. That still doesn't seem low enough. Do one out of 10 people really approve of the job Congress is doing? And who are these people? I want to work for them.

The government may be shut down. But we are open for business here! What are we doing here? Shouldn't we all be out looting a Best Buy or something? Who wants to start a post-apocalyptic motorcycle gang?

To be honest, I didn't notice the government was shut down today. But the 800,000 government employees who had their hours cut or jobs taken away definitely did. But the good news is Congress is still getting paid.

I want the names of the idiots who elected these people.

From Bill Maher:

This week the Tea Party shut the government down because Obamacare is still a pill they cannot swallow. They cannot face that we are heading towards European-style health coverage, but they have no problem that we have an Italian style government.

Obamacare is real. As of Tuesday people went on the exchanges. Unfortunately they didn't work. This thing crashes so frequently they are starting to call it Lindsay Lohancare.

One woman was having so much trouble logging on that finally the NSA guy who was spying on her broke in and said, 'Hit Ctrl Alt Delete!'

Shutdown, I've got it all wrong. As Fox News calls it, it's just a 'government slim down.' And they're also calling school shootings 'class size reductions.'

A mentally unstable woman tried to ram the barricades in front of the White House yesterday. Apparently she held the delusional belief that she was communicating with Obama, and that we was involved in some sort of back-and-forth. You know, like John Boehner.

The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around.

The Republican who summarized it best was Indiana Republican Marlin Stutzman, who said, 'We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this, and I don't even know that is.' Say what you will about a toddler throwing a tantrum in the grocery store. At least he knows he wants Coco Puffs.

I feel bad for Obama. He's trying to be a good guy through all of this, but he's starting to think that white people are just lazy.  

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