Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Govt Shutdown Shutstorm 2013: Late Nite Jokes Display Congress' Malfeasance In Office


4 Jon Stewart videos.

From Denny:  Have you been enjoying the Washington soap opera lately - known as The Government Shutdown?  The word is that sometime tonight Speaker Boehner will finally do his job and allow the full House to vote on the bill to end this idiot shutdown and reopen the government.  

Of course, there are conservative groups still urging members to vote against raising the country's debt ceiling to avoid default.  Those same groups also don't want the government reopened.  No one said groups like Club For Growth were smart enough to understand the global implications of such a screamingly stupid strategy.

Tomorrow is when the government hits its final time limit where the clock runs out because America loses its ability to borrow.  Get this; the U. S. Treasury says after that date we only have about $30 billion on hand with which to pay our bills, along with some incoming tax revenue added.  That isn't much for a $17 trillion annual economy.  Apparently, over at the House, they aren't smart enough to understand basic math like the rest of us, with conservatives and Tea Party members declaring how good it would be for America if the country defaulted from its prestigious AAA rating.  Does Stupid get any more ridiculous?

You see the House Speaker has held the American people hostage just to stroke the childish egos of the Tea Party and conservative Republicans performing the World's Worst Temper Tantrum for the past 16 days. All this, with Boehner knowing he would have to back down and agree to vote some version of this bill anyway.  Yet Boehner thought nothing of putting through financial hell the country and millions of people dependent upon the government directly or indirectly for their paychecks. 

Do you know just how much money the Republicans and the Tea Party have cost the U. S. economy?  Try a minimum of $24 billion for the past 16 days.  That's just the monetary cost which does not take into account consumer, investor and voter confidence.  That cost is yet to be accurately measured and will play out over the next few years in the form of elections, housing market sales and Wall Street reports.  

For now, Congress has kicked the can down the political road until the middle of January 2014.  Yes, start rolling your eyes now and get ready for the next installment of The Government Shutdown Washington soap opera.  The new season starts January 2014.  Bet you all are really jonesin' for it like a new episode of Downton Abbey.  

Barring that maybe the nation's lawyers will get together and bring a hoarde of lawsuits against all these Washington Cry Babies to push them out of office early.  Maybe we will get lucky and they get some prison time too for "malfeasance in office" which is all too evident.  Not to mention "theft by deception" as these guys take paychecks for which they don't spend time actually working.

Meanwhile, enjoy the hilarious social commentary from The Comedy Gods, the national late night comics and my personal favorite, comic Jon Stewart.  They keep us laughing so we don't pick up a can of Cajun Whoop Ass from my local Louisiana convenience store and march on Washington to teach them nasty political varmints a lesson.  Oh, be sure to order your government shutdown t-shirts today.  Many styles and sizes and three designs from which to choose! We have to be ready for the next showdown.  We simply must be in unison with our coordinating fashion statements when we march on Washington.  Just think of the news visuals; they will be stunning - and a news producer's dream! :)

Government Shutdown Men's Long Sleeve T-Shirt

Government Shutdown Men's Long Sleeve T-Shirt

more styles and sizes available for men and women; come see!

From Jay Leno:

It is now day 11 of the government shutdown and we knew sooner or later something like this was going to happen. Despite the national parks being shut down, several men were severely mauled by bears yesterday. But enough about the New York Giants.

The Nobel Prize for chemistry was announced this week. It was awarded to Senator Ted Cruz for mixing up that batch of Kool-Aid that the Republicans seem to be drinking on Capitol Hill.

As far as negotiating with the president, John Boehner said, 'I don't want to put anything on the table and I don't want to take anything off the table.' Of course not — like most congressmen they like to do business UNDER the table.

Georgia Republican Congressman Phil Gingrey said it's time for his party to have a 'Braveheart' moment for the American people. Really? This whole government shutdown feels like another Mel Gibson movie: 'Ransom.'

Talking to reporters today about the shutdown, John Boehner said, 'If ands or buts were candy and nuts, every day would be Christmas.' You know, if they'd get off our butts and quit squeezing our nuts, we could enjoy Christmas.

The other day California's health insurance exchange said that over 5 million people went to their website on the first day of Obamacare. It turns out they were off by 4.4 million. It got only 645,000 hits. It turns out those were from the same guy just trying to log on - over and over.

They said today that the government shutdown will not interfere with NASA's next mission to Mars. Isn't that ironic? We can go to Mars but we can't go to the Statue of Liberty.

Americans adults scored below the national average on math, reading and problem-solving skills. Do we need a test to know that we're not good at problem-solving?  Can't we look at these morons in Washington and the shutdown and figure that out?

What's the difference between the government and Motel 6? Motel 6 can afford to keep the lights on.

This shutdown is so bad, Harry Reid was forced to take a part-time job as an extra on 'The Walking Dead.'

California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill that allows illegals in California to practice law. You thought a lot of Americans wanted to close the border before? Wait until lawyers start sneaking across.

President Obama said he thinks the Washington Redskins should consider changing their name. He didn't stop there. He also said the New York Giants should consider changing their sport.

Syrian dictator Assad says he may run for re-election next year. In fact, today he went over the results of next year's election and he said it looks pretty good.

Circulation of newspapers has fallen to all-time lows. They say newspapers are becoming obsolete. I’ll tell you how bad it’s gotten. Today I saw a homeless guy sleeping on a park bench with an iPad on his face.

#Dear Congress: Resign Women's All Over Print Tee

#Dear Congress: Resign Women's All Over Print Tee

more styles and sizes available for men and women; come see!


Health-challenged states like Texas and Mississippi refuse to take advantage of a federally subsidized Medicaid expansion.  (04:06)

From David Letterman:

They passed out the Nobel Prizes. The Nobel Prize for lack of chemistry – that's an interesting category – went to John Boehner and Barack Obama.

President Obama's approval rating is down to 37 percent. Time to kill bin Laden again.

It's day nine of the government shutdown. Are you like me? Are you beginning to miss the days when we were ruled by a mad English king?

At Starbucks you can now pick up something called a duffin. A duffin is a combination of a doughnut and a muffin. I have an idea for Starbucks: cheap coffee – 'Choffee.' Governor Chris Christie said: 'Big deal, call me when Starbucks is combining cake and pie.'

From Jon Stewart:

Look, you think Obamacare's a big enough threat to this country that you need to shut down the government over it, fine. Own it.  Don't fart and point at the dog. – on Republicans trying to shift the blame for the government shutdown despite claiming to be "the party of personal responsibility."

From Stephen Colbert:

Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann is a true conservative with a vision of our country's future, or possibly of a coat rack or a bird.  I could never tell what she was looking at [whenever she is photographed looking off at a weird angle].

Obamacare needs the premiums of healthier people to cover the costs of sicker people. It's a devious con that can only be described as insurance.

#ifiShutDown Mug

#ifiShutDown: you are so screwed registers America's anger at our politicians for the government shutdown.
more styles and sizes of t-shirts available in this design for men and women; come see!

Shutstorm 2013: America Sits on Its Balls - Bipartisan Curious

Al Madrigal explains why moderate Republicans must remain silent about their political orientation.  (03:17)

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Today was day 10 of the government shutdown. At what point do we politely ask Canada to govern us?

China issued a warning because we owe them $1.3 trillion.  If we default, they have threatened to cut off our supply of cheap plastic crap made by kids. 

A lot of things are shut down. The CDC, the Centers for Disease Control, is shut down. That means they might have to cancel flu season this year.

National parks are shut down.  NASA is shut down.  There is one government building still open.  That is the congressional gym – the exclusive gym where congressmen work out.  But the gym is not fully operational because towel service is no longer available due to the shutdown.  So, everyone is suffering.

Today is the eighth day of the government shutdown with no end in sight. A small group of Republicans are refusing to allow the vote.  President Obama called to reiterate that there will be no budge in budget.

Under a law that dates back to the 1960s, the Amish are exempt from most federal safety-net programs, and that includes Obamacare.  Amish communities actually insure themselves, which is good. I depend on those people who make my gooseberry jam.

Queen Crown 17" Laptop Sleeve

Queen Crown 17" Laptop Sleeve

From Jimmy Fallon:

Nobody’s happy about the government shutdown.  In fact, the Taliban just issued a statement where they criticized Congress for putting themselves before everyone else.  You know things are bad when Americans are saying, 'Yeah, gotta go with the Taliban on this one.'

It's gotten too bad that after years of sliding poll numbers, now the approval ratings of Congress has hit a record low of just 5 percent.  There are a lot of pressing questions, namely, who's in the five percent that still approves of Congress?

There's a new restaurant in New York that doesn't let customers talk to each other during their meals.  When they heard that, Obama and Republicans said, 'Table for 200 please?'

During a press conference yesterday, President Obama said that Congress needs to raise the debt ceiling because there aren't any other quote 'rabbits in our hat.'  Plus, they're still tired from their last trick, where they made thousands of jobs disappear.

Yesterday, Iran's President Hassan Rouhani said he wants the Iranian people to stop chanting 'Death to America' because he thinks it's too harsh of a statement.  Then the Iranian people were like, 'Paper cuts to America?'

This week China warned the U.S. that not raising the debt ceiling will hurt the Chinese economy.  Then the U.S. said, 'No worries – we'll just loan you some of your money.

From Craig Ferguson: 

If you've never seen 'The Walking Dead,' it's basically a bunch of bloodthirsty zombies slowly devouring what's left of America.  No wait, that's C-SPAN.

We just hit 190 hours of the government shutdown.  If this were a 'Lord of the Rings' movie, we'd be almost halfway through.

Despite the shutdown, the congressional gym in Washington, D.C., remains open.  The congressional gym is like any other gym except it's the customers who are the dumbbells.

King Crown 17" Laptop Sleeve

King Crown 17" Laptop Sleeve

From Bill Maher:

Yesterday John Boehner led a group of 20 Republicans to see President Obama.  Unfortunately when they got to the White House, the president was still black.

Republicans' Thanksgiving is a little different; before eating they go around the table and everybody says what they're hateful for.

There are these people they're calling 'debt ceiling deniers' – Republicans who have decided that, unlike every economist on the entire planet, maybe defaulting on our debt would be a good thing.  First, they didn't believe in evolution, then they didn't believe in global warming, and now the debt ceiling; what I like to call the 'Moron Trifecta.'

Here's the idea: Step 1, stop paying our bills.  Step 2, everything's fine.  The last guy who tried this was Wesley Snipes [millionaire actor who went to jail for failure to pay his taxes].

People are actually getting very pissed off at this government shutdown.  But Republicans say, 'Remember one thing.  We are standing up for an important principle, and as soon as we figure out what it is, you will be the first to know.'

This NBC News poll has Republicans freaking out.  They're having what they call now a 'boomerang effect.'  Whatever Republicans were going against, Big Government and Obamacare, now is more popular than ever.  I love the Tea Party, they are the ultimate beer goggles; they make everyone look better.

Half the Republicans hate Ted Cruz real bad. In fact, Peter King said,  'No one has done more to strengthen Obamacare than Ted Cruz.  But the other half of the Republicans, the truly crazy ones, they love themselves; some Ted Cruz.  He is the Tea Party's dream candidate; he is a Sarah Palin that doesn't lactate.

Ted Cruz was speaking to the Value Voters Convention.  Oh, it's a great convention they have.  It was him, Michele Bachmann, Glenn Beck, and Rick Santorum.  The entrance was pretty spectacular; they all arrived in a short bus.

There were some people heckling Ted Cruz, and he accused them of being paid political operatives helping President Obama.  Ted, don't you get it, you're the paid political operative helping President Obama.

New Rule:  If you get salmonella because of the government shutdown and die, then John Boehner has to come to your funeral.  How can he resist?  Funerals have the two things he loves the most:  crying and an open bar.

New Rule:  Bill O'Reilly has to tell us why he's always thinking about murder.  Yes, since Obama was elected Bill O'Reilly has written three books about killing major historical figures.  And Bill, I agree - how tragic that Kennedy, Lincoln and Jesus, these heroic, liberal, social reformers, had to die after being vilified by panicky, backwards-looking conservative blowhards.  You surely did a great service pointing this out, and I look forward to your new children's book… Killing the Cat in the Hat.

NSA Watching Frameless Wall Clock

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