4 funny video clips from Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Kimmel on the government shutdown, funny political memes to keep you laughing through Congressional Stupid.
From Denny: Figured I could take the last week off from posting as we all knew Congress was hell bent on Stupid and the late night jokes would start flowing like milk and honey in the promised land. Is it any wonder that Congress only enjoys a 10 percent approval rating? And that number is "down" from 17 percent a few months ago.
Who are those people who approve of Congress anyway? Seems like fellow journalist and NBC News Political Director, Chuck Todd, has a bead on that approving crowd: they are all friends and relatives of Congress. He's probably right. Add a few lobbyists to the numbers and it's an accurate count of those who approve of crooks and insensitive louts running our government into the ground - all at the expense of the struggling middle class. Kudos go to the Democrats and the President for standing firm against childish politicians who are emotionally stuck in 7th grade. "Whaaaa! Give us our way or we burn down the House, the White House and the country! Whaaa!"
My post from 2011 when the Tea Party and the Republicans last threatened a government shutdown is quite popular tonight and a second post here. And the cartoon embed codes are still working too, yay! Fortunately, the two sides finally got their act together and averted a shutdown at the 11th hour. Fast forward to 2013 and the Same Stink is wafting in the national air: the Republicans have just blasted America with their political diarrhea.
Check out this year's late night jokes and video clips about the government shutdown and Syria. At the rate the Republicans are going this government shutdown temper tantrum is going to become an annual tradition - and we all know how addicted the Republicans are to "tradition."
Express your view of the government shutdown with the rest of frustrated America. More shirt and sweatshirt styles available for men and women. Come see!
Rockin' Government Shutdown Eve
Thanks to the government being unable to agree on a resolution to fund itself, the government will shut down at midnight. (02:00)
"Breaking Gov"
The government started out as a highly sympathetic character in the 1770s, but in just 237 seasons, it has transformed into an egotistical, self-destructive maniac. (02:29)
Below, find an overview of some of the government services and operations that will be impacted until Congress passes a budget to fund them again. For detailed information about specific activities at Federal agencies, please see federal government contingency plans.
How Congress is impacting funding for:
- Vital services that ensure seniors and young children have access to
healthy food and meals may not have sufficient Federal funds to serve
all beneficiaries in an extended lapse. - Call centers, hotlines and regional offices that help veterans
understand their benefits will close to the public. - And, veterans’ compensation, pension, education and other benefits
could be cut off in the case of an extended shutdown. - Every one of America’s national parks and monuments, from Yosemite to
the Smithsonian to the Statue of Liberty, will be immediately closed. - New applications for small business loans and loan guarantees will be
immediately halted. - Research into life-threatening diseases and other areas will stop and
new patients won’t be accepted into clinical trials at the National
Institutes of Health. - Work to protect consumers, ranging from child product safety to
financial security to the safety of hazardous waste facilities, will
cease. The EPA will halt non-essential inspections of chemical
facilities and drinking water systems. - Permits and reviews for planned energy and transportations projects
will stop, preventing companies from working on these projects.
Loans to rural communities will be halted. - Hundreds of thousands of Federal employees including many charged with
protecting us from terrorist threats, defending our borders,
inspecting our food, and keeping our skies safe will work without pay
until the shutdown ends. - Hundreds of thousands of additional Federal workers will be
immediately and indefinitely furloughed without pay.
The following services that will continue during the government shut down:
- Social Security beneficiaries will continue receiving checks.
- The U.S. Postal Service will keep delivering mail.
- Active military will continue serving.
- Air traffic controllers, prison guards and border patrol agents will
remain on the job. - NASA Mission Control will continue supporting astronauts serving on
the Space Station.
Express your view of the government shutdown with the rest of frustrated America.
Syria
From Jay Leno:
President Obama is trying to get congressional approval before we attack Syria. And if that works, there's talk we might even consider bringing back the rest of the Constitution.
President Obama is pretty clever. Did you see what he is doing to get Congress to approve the attack? He told them Syrian President Assad supports Obamacare.
The White House has a new slogan: 'Hope and let the Russians fix it.'
Last night President Obama spoke to the nation about Syria. Hopefully, Americans who were confused about the president's plan feel better now, knowing that he's confused too.
Well, it was confusing, wasn't it? First, President Obama laid out his reasoning for a strike against Syria. And then he gave the rebuttal.
John Kerry has insisted that any military strike on Syria will be 'unbelievably small.' But not as small as the SUPPORT for a strike on Syria.
You can tell that fall is coming. The leaves are changing faster than the White House position on Syria.
A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn't you rather watch a twerk than a jerk?
John Kerry has given Syria one week to hand over its chemical weapons. And if they don't . . . he'll give them another week.
Last month 312,000 Americans stopped looking for work, causing the unemployment rate to fall to 7.3 percent. Today President Obama called it a step in the right direction and encouraged more Americans to stop looking for work.
President Obama is going to address the nation on Syria tomorrow night, which means here on NBC 'America's Got Talent' will be delayed by 'America's Got Problems.'
President Obama is talking tough. He said he will not rest until Syrian President Assad's power has been reduced to the point where he's on 'Dancing With the Stars.'
John Kerry says any attack on Syria will be 'unbelievably small.' Well, that should put the fear of God into them. 'If we get approval, we will attack you so tiny, you won't even know what happened.'
President Obama is in Russia. You know what he's doing there? I think he's seeking asylum.
The president cancelled a fundraising trip to California next week because of the Syria situation. That's when you know this is serious.
On Tuesday President Obama is planning to address the nation. Instead of calling his plan to attack Syria 'a war,' he is calling it a 'limited military intervention' — which sounds better than 'potential endless quagmire.'
Secretary of State John Kerry said that Arab countries have offered to pay the entire cost of unseating Syria's president if we take the lead militarily. They will pay for the whole thing. See, this is how global politics works. We invade Syria to get money from Saudi Arabia that they got from us for putting their oil in our Japanese cars so we can pay back China all the money we owe them.
John Kerry said during the Senate hearing that we are not the world's policemen. Really, then how come we eat most of the world's donuts?
If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don't send cruise missiles. He should end over some of his economic advisers.
Republican leaders have agreed to support President Obama's plan to attack Syria. See, that's what I love about our country. The only time Republicans and Democrats can agree on something is when it's time to bomb somebody.
Did you see Vladimir Putin and President Obama shake hands today? They said something to each other. Of course, we don't know what they said, nobody does — except the NSA, the KGB, and Edward Snowden.
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John McCain was caught playing video poker on his iPhone during the Senate hearings the other day. Everybody is criticizing McCain, but compared to what other politicians are doing on their iPhones, that's not so bad, OK?
President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.
All week president Obama has been saying he will seek congressional approval for the strike but he insists he doesn't really need it. When asked by the media if he was sending mixed messages, the president said: 'Yes and no.'
President Obama says the lack of response to Syria so far does not threaten his credibility. And you know something, he's right. The economy, Benghazi, the spying scandal – that threatens his credibility, but this other stuff, no.
Plans are being discussed for a reality show based on the White House. It's called 'Lame Duck Dynasty.'
Syrian President Assad says he is turning over his chemical weapons because Russia asked him to, 'not because of the U.S. threatening to bomb him.' Yeah, and Osama bin Laden is at the bottom of the ocean right now because he enjoys scuba diving.
Syrian President Assad told Fox News that if he were ever to talk to President Obama he would tell Obama to “listen to your people." Is he the one to give advice about listening to his people? His people are shooting at him!
From Stephen Colbert:
The United States has no choice but to attack Syria because Dictator Bashar al-Assad is killing his own people with chemical weapons. Before, he was just killing them with bullets. But if America cared about shooting people, we'd be invading Chicago.
If Obama really wanted to sell us on Syria, he should have taken a page from the people selling us Siri. Pushing an iPhone and a war are a lot alike. You just say that the new one is smaller, cheaper and faster and people will buy it. Even though they've already got one and they're still paying off the previous model.
Crisis averted. Now Congress suspends its vote on a military strike, the U.N. secures Assad's chemical stockpile, and the Syrian people can go back to being killed with conventional methods. Everybody wins.
Will Congress approve taking action in Syria? First they have to approve taking action in Congress.
While I was overseas, I couldn't really get much out of the news. From what I could make out, President Obama wanted to drop Miley Cyrus on Damascus.
You know what, folks? I miss George W. Bush. That man knew how to sell a war. Obama has hard evidence of weapons of mass destruction and he can't even get England to go along with it. Meanwhile, President Bush got an international coalition with nothing more than Colin Powell's reputation and half a test tube of crystal light.
Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria -- which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria.
Only 29% of Americans want the U.S. to attack Syria -- which on the plus side means that 29% of Americans know there is a place called Syria.
From Jon Stewart:
Wow! America taking military action against a Middle East regime? It's like I never left!" – Jon Stewart on returning to The Daily Show after being away this summer
Ah! See? The red line! You can't use chemicals to kill your own people! You have to do it organically. America and the world want to make sure Assad only uses locally sourced free long range land ordinance.
Oh right, we have to bomb Syria because we're in 7th grade. And the red line that they crossed is actually dick-measuring ribbon.
Fox opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.
You know what, Senator? Go. There's a Rascal scooter and a bucket of quarters with your name on it over at the Golden Nugget. Instead of playing pretend poker in the actual Senate, go to an actual casino and pretend you know what the government should do. – on McCain playing poker during a Senate hearing on Syria
From Conan O'Brien:
Syria's President Assad referred to President Obama as weak. Obama is so angry he plans to ask Congress for permission to come up with a good comeback.
Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn't finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people.
Senator John McCain is under fire for being caught playing poker on his smartphone during a Senate hearing on Syria. Even worse, it was strip poker.
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From David Letterman:
I guess we're getting ready to attack Syria. But if we win, in the semifinals we face Iran.
There is trouble at Charlie Sheen's birthday party. John Kerry says there is evidence of illegal chemical use. They have to go in there.
The United States is going to make a deal with Russia and Syria. What could possibly go wrong? Here's the deal: Syria will turn over their stockpiled chemicals and we send them Alex Rodriguez.
You know whose birthday it is? Evil Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, 48 years old today. It would be nice if he had a surprise birthday party from SEAL Team 6.
Syria is now saying they will agree to give up their chemical weapons if Miley Cyrus agrees to give up whatever it is she is doing.
Senator John McCain, during a Senate session on whether we're going to teach Syria a lesson, was caught playing online poker. I was stunned. John McCain knows how to use a computer? Really?
David Letterman's "Top Ten John McCain Excuses" (after he got caught playing poker on his iPhone during a Senate hearing on Syria)
10. "Leave me alone -- I'm a hundred years old"
9. "Can't gamble in casinos since getting caught counting cards"
8. "Relax, it's just a war hearing"
7. "Is Reagan upset?"
6. "I was on the phone with IBM headquarters in Dallas"
5. "Still able to pay attention to hearings on Iraq or Iran or whatever"
4. "At least it wasn't some sissy game like 'Bejeweled' "
3. "Someone has to win back our $17 trillion"
2. "Better idea than Palin"
1. "Calm down, it wasn't strip poker"
From Craig Ferguson:
The G-20 summit is being held in St. Petersburg, which used to be the Russian capital. But Lenin and the Bolsheviks felt it was too vulnerable, so they moved the capital to Moscow. Lenin and the Bolsheviks is also my favorite Russian skiffle band.
All the big-time world leaders are at the G-20 summit. Vladimir Putin is there representing Russia. Barack Obama is there representing Kenya.
All eyes are on Obama because of Syria. He wants to use military strikes. Even his allies don't agree with him. Britain wants to use economic embargoes. France wants to use sarcasm.
Russian President Vladimir Putin wrote a scolding Op-Ed piece in The New York Times. He thinks people still read The New York Times.
It's a great day for our president. He's down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia's Vladimir Putin. He said 'I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.' There's no word on how Obama responded.
If you haven't seen The New York Times piece, Putin said America should stay out of Syria. And then Putin said Khloe should dump Lamar because it's for his own good.
Bill Clinton gave the keynote address today at the Clinton Global Initiative, the charity he started in 2005. Sometimes when presidents retire, they take it easy. But they quickly realize that if you're not the president, nobody cares about you or anything you have to say. It is a condition also known as 'being vice president.'
Being president is one of the most stressful jobs in the world. It's right up there with being Paula Deen's publicist.
I wonder what President Obama will do when he retires. I bet it will involve giving back somehow. He'll make sure those in the developing world have the most important things they need to succeed — like a fake Hawaiian birth certificate.
Being president is one of the most stressful jobs in the world. It's right up there with being Paula Deen's publicist.
I wonder what President Obama will do when he retires. I bet it will involve giving back somehow. He'll make sure those in the developing world have the most important things they need to succeed — like a fake Hawaiian birth certificate.
From Jimmy Kimmel:
The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece written by Vladimir Putin. Putin warns against American exceptionalism. He says it is dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. He sounds like a fun dad, huh?
Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn't like. We don't think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically.
From Bill Maher:
The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing, of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing, now they're against it. Now there's a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with the diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black.
The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it’s poison.
The way it's going to work is Assad is going to turn over his chemical weapons to Russia, who will then of course sell them to China, who will repackage them as off-brand roach spray, and you can get them at the 99 cent store.
It's not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They've even got some stored here in the U.S. It's called Monsanto.
Putin wrote that Op Ed in The New York Times yesterday and lectured America on democracy. This is like getting parenting notes from Billy Ray Cyrus.
"Faith goes up the stairs that Love has built and looks out the windows which Hope has opened."
I am with the majority who don't want to strike Syria. As horrible as chemical weapons are, lots of people don't want to start new s**t in the Middle East. I never understood the rationale behind this: 'Assad you bastard, you monster, you have crossed a line no human may ever cross, even in war. We are going to bomb you. But just a little. Just a little poke there Satan.'
This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World. – on President Obama's position on Syria
McCain wants war so much, he resents meth labs because they blow themselves up.
I am with the majority who don't want to strike Syria. As horrible as chemical weapons are, lots of people don't want to start new s**t in the Middle East. I never understood the rationale behind this: 'Assad you bastard, you monster, you have crossed a line no human may ever cross, even in war. We are going to bomb you. But just a little. Just a little poke there Satan.'
This would be simple if we had a Republican president because a Republican president could get a Republican Congress to bomb Sea World. – on President Obama's position on Syria
McCain wants war so much, he resents meth labs because they blow themselves up.
The last couple of weeks have been very tough for Republicans because of course they always have to call for the opposite of whatever Obama is saying or doing. And this has been hard when Obama himself has been changing his mind pretty much on a daily basis. First he was against the bombing, of course they were for it. Then he was for the bombing, now they're against it. Now there's a peace plan on the table, and the same Republicans who were saying he was acting too rash to call for strikes on Syria are now calling him a wimp for going with the diplomacy. They say in the end, whether he chooses war or peace, the hard truth is either way he is still inarguably, hopelessly black.
The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it’s poison.
The way it's going to work is Assad is going to turn over his chemical weapons to Russia, who will then of course sell them to China, who will repackage them as off-brand roach spray, and you can get them at the 99 cent store.
It's not that easy to go and secure all these chemical weapons. For one thing, the Syrians have been scattering stockpiles of the chemical weapons all over. They've even got some stored here in the U.S. It's called Monsanto.
From Jimmy Fallon:
Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional.' Then he said, 'Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.'
Putin said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional' and said that, quote, 'God created us equal.' Then he got back to arresting people for being gay.
Senator John McCain was spotted playing poker on his iPhone during a hearing on Syria yesterday. Actually, it turns out it's not so bad when you hear that another group of senators was playing poker with actual cards.
McCain was playing poker during a hearing. The worst part is that he didn't even know he was playing poker. He was just trying to text his wife. 'How'd I lose $1,500 asking Cindy what's for dinner?'
The new season of 'Sesame Street' will focus more on problem solving. When he heard that, Obama said, 'What time's that show on?'
Senator John McCain got caught in an embarrassing moment yesterday. A photographer caught him playing poker on his phone during the first public hearing on the potential action in Syria. Sounds like something Anthony Weiner would have been caught doing.
While some believe it may be inappropriate to play a video game while the committee is deciding whether or not to kill people and potentially start a war, I say it's John McCain, the man is 114 years old, give him a break. We should be impressed that he is even wearing pants.
The U.N. General Assembly is here in New York City. Today, President Obama gave a big speech on the Middle East. The leaders from the Middle East said, 'You have touched our hearts, and from now on we shall have peace.' And Obama said, 'Really?' and they said, 'No, but the look on your face was priceless.'
ObamaCare
In spite of the government shutdown, government websites are still available like USA.gov. You can still go to HealthCare.gov to investigate new health care plans. New pricing will not be updated in a timely fashion, the site cannot respond to info requests - until Congress grows up and the adults renter the room.
From Stephen Colbert:
We conservatives have an uncanny ability to know what Ronald Reagan would do at any given time. Syria conflict? Invade. Obamacare? Repeal. Soup or salad? Jelly beans.
I've got every Obamacare repeal vote on bootleg. I trade tapes with all the other fans. We call ourselves 'Deadheads,' because without health insurance a lot of people will die.
From David Letterman:
Former President Bill Clinton is traveling the country holding town hall meetings where he explains Obamacare. After that he will explain twerking.
From Jay Leno:
USA Today had a front-page feature on the new healthcare law. It said that the opposition to Obamacare at an all-time high. It has gotten so bad that the president is now calling it 'Bidencare.'
Texas Senator Ted Cruz began a filibuster on the Senate floor. He's trying to stop Obamacare and he vowed to keep speaking until he is no longer able to stand. And the good news: If he collapses from exhaustion he'll be covered under Obamacare.
Tomorrow night AMC will begin airing a 'Breaking Bad' marathon that will show every episode of the show leading up to Sunday's series finale. This is how it ends: Walter White dies in a hospital waiting room while filling out all the paperwork for Obamacare.
Tomorrow night AMC will begin airing a 'Breaking Bad' marathon that will show every episode of the show leading up to Sunday's series finale. This is how it ends: Walter White dies in a hospital waiting room while filling out all the paperwork for Obamacare.
USA Today had a front-page feature on the new healthcare law. It said that the opposition to Obamacare at an all-time high. It has gotten so bad that the president is now calling it 'Bidencare.'
According to a new report, over the last three years Social Security overpaid by $1.29 billion – thus establishing itself as the federal government's most efficient program.
From Bill Maher:
This is the 41st time that they have voted to repeal Obamacare. This is really not governing, this is more like a drinking game; every time they vote to defund, Boehner knocks back a Wild Turkey.
The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?
Express your view of the government shutdown with the rest of frustrated America. More shirt and sweatshirt styles available for men and women. Come see!
Government Shutdown
From Jay Leno:
Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn't avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?
At the U.N. this week, President Obama met with the president of Nigeria, who advised President Obama to eliminate America's debt by sending out fraudulent emails.
President Obama is now making a case for raising the debt limit. He said that raising the debt limit does not increase debt. And, you know, I have to defer to the president on this one because when it comes to increasing the debt, Obama knows what he's talking about.
Pundits say President Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
President Obama is now making a case for raising the debt limit. He said that raising the debt limit does not increase debt. And, you know, I have to defer to the president on this one because when it comes to increasing the debt, Obama knows what he's talking about.
Pundits say President Obama is starting to lose support from his own party. To give you an idea how bad it’s gotten, today Jimmy Carter compared him to Jimmy Carter.
In spite of the government shutdown, government websites are still available like USA.gov.
From David Letterman:
The U.N. deals with a lot of important issues. Today they spent the entire day trying to deal with that Ben Affleck as Batman thing.
At every U.N. session there's a special promotion. Tomorrow it's Angela Merkel bobblehead day.
From Bill Maher:
Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. The wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface.
Under the bill they voted for, states now have to require food stamp recipients to be drug-tested and work at least 20 hours a week – the same thing I was going to suggest for congressional Republicans.
The video game Grand Theft Auto 5 made 800 million dollars in one day. People say Americans can't export on values anymore, this proves we can. Unfortunately, our values are car theft and mass shootings.
New Rule: If House Republicans succeed in cutting $40 billion from the Food Stamp program, Congressman James Sensenbrenner has to go to a food bank and donate at least two of his chins.
New Rule: Now that it’s been 60 years, Americans must accept the fact that rock stars like to mime sex acts on stage. Yes, they’re acting all hot and horny but they're a lot like Congress; when all is said and done, what they're actually doing is f**king nothing.
From Conan O'Brien:
President Obama warned that the government could shut down in two weeks. Obama added, 'Not because of a budget impasse but because we'll all be watching the last episode of 'Breaking Bad.'
The CEO of Starbucks is asking customers to stop bringing guns into the coffee chain stores. He said, 'It's our job to rob you guys.'
"Starbucks announced they don't want customers bringing guns into their stores. Meanwhile, Dunkin' Donuts said there is nothing you can bring in here that's more dangerous than what we serve.
From Jimmy Fallon:
Senate leaders Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell admitted they have no Plan B if the House doesn't avoid a government shutdown. Of course this raised a lot of questions, like: Since when did they have a Plan A?
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