Monday, January 11, 2010

Roundup of Late Night Funnies 11 Jan 2010

From Denny: By now everyone has heard about it - Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are competing against each other on the same network since Jay didn't do well in the earlier time slot at night. To their credit and personal friendship, these comedians are making light of a really awkward situation.

Love 'em or hate 'em here's the latest political opinions of gaffes from both sides of the aisle:

From Jay Leno:

There's a rumor floating around that we were cancelled. I heard it coming in this morning. So far, nobody's said anything to me. But Kev, if we did get cancelled, give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox (Network) is beautiful this time of year.

Actually, I don't think there's any truth to the rumors. See, in my experience, NBC only cancels you when you're in first place. So we're fine.

The annual list of the most admired men in the world came out today. Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are tied. I wonder what those two would have in common.

An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape surfaced showing him in bed with three women. 86 years old, three women. A lot of his constituents are saying it was a stupid idea for him to make the sex tape of himself. But the guy is 86. How else is he going to remember having sex?'

The weather here in California is very nice. But it's freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn't that amazing? So it's nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.

And yesterday morning in Helsinki, Finland, a train crashed into a Holiday Inn. Here's the odd part. It was an Amtrak train from Connecticut.

On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she's against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So, finally, Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about.

From Denny: With the Republicans trying to rally the troops these days, they keep up the mantra of how Obama is pulling America away from good values that they all grew up with in their alternate reality. Observe clips of some of the most egregious hypocrites as John Oliver pulls together an amusing "report" on the Republicans' ideal of America from some elusive mythologized intangible era:

John Oliver Searches for Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly's Good Old Days

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From David Letterman:

Cold. Am I right? You know, Rush Limbaugh was ill. And he had to go to the hospital. He had chest pains but he's completely recovered. He'll be back on his job on Wednesday, which is great because the country really can use some hot air now.

How many people flew to get here? I mean, come on, isn't flying more fun than it used to be? I mean, really. They make you take off your shoes, make you take off your underpants. ... I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, he is going to blow up the thing. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic.

Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.

They took the guy to court and the guy said he was charged with having weapons of mass destruction in his pants. And he told the judge, 'Well, I get no complaints from the ladies.'

Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually.

Top Ten Things I've Learned From the Last 20 Years of Television

(as presented by Homer Simpson on the Late Show With David Letterman)

10. Better to be bald than have a hairpiece like Letterman.

9. Do not buy sushi from the Home Shopping Network.

8. Thanks to iTunes, now you can get free TV shows for 99 cents.

7. Widesceen televisions were invented to accommodate Keith Olbermann's enormous head.

6. Sadly, "Cougar Town" is not a show about people getting attacked by giant cats.

5. Sitting close to the TV is a cheap alternative to a tanning salon.

4. No one on Earth is funnier than Howie Mandel.

3. There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap."

2. Ever notice all morning weathermen are as fat as a dump truck?

1. Television is not a vast wasteland, it's a cesspool.

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Airport

10. To check a bag, it's a thousand bucks.

9. Security checkpoint workers encourage you to frisk them.

8. For the kids, a wading pool full of jet fuel.

7. Guy in tower won't say anything but "Niner."

6. All flights depart at the same time.

5. Airport is home to 7 of world's 10 deadliest snakes.

4. Has Hertz Rent-A-Monkey counter.

3. Them: "Where are you traveling?"

You: "San Francisco."

Them: "We'll get you as close as we can."

2. I don't remember planes having to parallel park quite so much.

1. At the duty-free shop you can buy exploding underpants.

From Jon Stewart:

There is a sex scandal roiling the nation right now. The tale of one man's insatiable sex drive and the beautiful women who succumb to his magnetic machismo. Does it involve ... lusty golfing legend Tiger Woods? Or perhaps it's six-foot, 15-inch and 174-pound bespectacled White House Budget Director Peter Orszag? Oh yeah, baby. The OMB director had a baby with this lady, a beautiful shipping heiress, just weeks before he got engaged to this other beautiful lady, who is a news reporter. I guess 'OMB' stands for the 'Office of Managing the Boo-tay.' Heeey!

I guess the CBO is the 'Congressional Badonkadonk Office.' ... Ladies, put your husbands to bed and hide your ovaries [on screen: footage of Orszag on talk shows]. Maybe you couldn't feel it through the TV screen, but I am telling you! I interviewed this guy. He's got the kavorka.

From Stephen Colbert:

Folks, I fear we are headed back to those dark days between 1972 and 1976 when a liberal Supreme Court outlawed the death penalty just because it was being 'wantonly and freakishly imposed.' Come on! If we outlawed everything that was wanton and freakish, what would happen to Lady Gaga?" – on reports the death penalty is "fading from use."

Night of Terror - The Crapification of the American Pant-Scape:

Airport crotch screening won't be inconvenient for frequent travelers who have a government-issued photo ID of their privates.

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From Jimmy Fallon:

Hey, a man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.

The Secret Service was alerted when someone reported a man with a suspiciously shrinking package.

From Conan O'Brien:

Legal experts are saying, if he's convicted, the underwear bomber could be sentenced to life in Federal prison. But even worse, for the rest of his life, he'll be known as the underwear bomber.

Next week, President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. Or, as the Big Three automakers put it, 'the new owner is coming for a visit.

Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.

This is weird. Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. Secret Service grabbed the man and immediately allowed him to attend a state dinner.

President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think.

Now, some people are really upset because President Obama has decided to redecorate the Oval Office, and he got rid of former President Bush's bust of Winston Churchill. When he heard about it, Bush was furious and said, 'Winston Churchill? I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.'

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