From Denny: If only I could stay up late and watch all the late night comics all at once... The next best thing is to corral all their funny quips about the state of affairs in America and the world into one post. These guys are the social commentators of our time!
Included also are some of the latest (since Saturday) political cartoons just released with references to the sex crazed Republican National Committee, Earth Day and Arizona immigration.
Check out the latest Colbert Report video clips as he lampoons the new Arizona immigration bill and has some fun with the pot smoking community.
Thanks for stopping by for a visit and enjoy the start to your work week with a lots of laughs to keep you going until Friday blissfully arrives! :)
From Jay Leno:
One good thing came out of this volcano in Iceland. Economists say consumers can expect a huge drop in the price of lava lamps.
President Obama gave a speech in New York about his plans to reform the rules for Wall St. A lot of Wall St. executives were shaking in their boots when the president showed up. The bad news is, they were $800 Italian leather boots that were bought with our bailout money.
Happy Earth Day. To demonstrate their commitment, environmentalists all across the country risked their lives driving Toyota Priuses.
Showing posts with label late night shows. Show all posts
Showing posts with label late night shows. Show all posts
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Dick Cheney Fakes Heart Attacks, Glenn Beck Lies on Stage, CPAC Hate Mongering - Late Night Comedy 1 March 2010
From Denny: The weirdest news yesterday was that students in Colorado are upset about not being able to carry concealed weapons to class any more because the university is trying to outlaw it. Who the hell let them do this in the first place? The State legislature made it legal to carry concealed weapons. Who said all the rednecks live in the South? What rednecks? All the real rednecks have been breeding out of control in Colorado? Glad I don't go to university out there in that crazy state.
At least around here in south Louisiana the only reason people keep guns are to hunt swamp rats - called nutria and actually taste pretty good and they are in the process of marketing the critters nationally - and hunt rabbits, deer, ducks and squirrel - and shoot the occasional stupid poisonous snake that slithers into the house and into the baby's crib. The Cajun motto here is if it moves, slithers or crawls it can be dinner on the table. Hmmm... might have to add politicians to that hunting list. Well, at least we don't hunt people like they like to do in Colorado. I wouldn't put anything past the Louisiana State legislature for brain dead stupid legislation. Usually, they prefer to line their pockets while literally building bridges to nowhere: the famous Sunshine Bridge. It sure is pretty.
Can you imagine if the greatest fear of the Colorado students out West was a crazed gunman comes onto campus, shooting randomly - and then in retaliation the entire student body pulls out their weapons and shoot back? Everyone would be dead. How do you like that scenario? People with no police or military training whatsoever carrying around concealed guns. Yeah, that's smart.
I could maybe deal with it if these students were required to pass sanity and police training tests every three months. Hey, I've got an idea: How about we call up Prez Obama to release some of that stimulus money to send the entire state of Colorado to Special Forces schooling? Then they will be so well trained in weapons we can ship them off to Iraq! Sounds like a plan. I hear the troops could use a holiday back home.
OK, stepping off my soapbox... That news story yesterday sure did blindside me.
On to the late night show funnies. With the Olympics still in full swing Colbert didn't miss a beat and found plenty to lampoon. Included here is one of his grins. He has plenty of Olympic themed videos, so knock yourself out. :)
Speaking of lampooning, Jon Stewart had a field day going after the bizarre antics of the Republican Party at their conservative hate-mongering CPAC convention, the Health Summit That Never Was and quoting Glenn Beck's supposedly philosophical yet terribly shallow nonsense thinking. Read that as "he got paid big bucks to tell lies on stage" to keep the faithful following the GOP.
And then there's Dick Cheney providing gossip fodder for the masses... Has anyone else wondered if he's having fake heart attacks? Isn't it interesting how every time he gets ugly, lies about the President on stage and to the TV cameras, suddenly he has a heart attack? There's big news coverage about his "condition" - but of course, don't you know, "it was really nothing serious" and "he's resting comfortably at home" - all before Obama has a chance to respond? Sure looks calculated and manipulative to me from where I'm sitting in my living room. How many times does Cheney pull the health card until the media grows some a backbone to call him on it? Meanwhile, he's laughing in his warped sleeve.
From Craig Ferguson:
It's a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He's doing well. Doctors say he'll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.
About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.
There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.
I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick.
Do you know why it is a good day today? I'll tell you why. Because the new credit card regulations start today. That's good news if you have credit card debt, like me. I racked up 50 grand on bedazzlers.
But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can't raise or increase rates whenever they want. That's great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson's bar tab.
I don't keep many credit cards because I'm worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they'd beg me to take it back.
Credit card companies make most of their profits from loaning money to people who they know can't pay it back. That's why credit card companies are evil. They're like a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers.
Credit card companies have been good for one group, of course. The mafia. When you need to borrow money, the mob seems like a better deal. 'You don't pay me back, I break both your legs.' 'Is that all? Fine.'
The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the 'mistress in your region.'
Funny Jon Stewart's take on Prez Obama's Health Care Summit. Explains the practice of "reconciliation" in the Senate for moving votes along. Stewart Skewers GOP For Deeming Health Care Summit A "Setup":
From Jimmy Kimmel:
Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.
Something weird happened in the hospital. When they were putting the electrodes on him for the EKG, he suddenly started screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything you want to know!'
Doctors have sent him home with strict instructions not to watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' anymore.
Today, Congress held more hearings with the executives of Toyota. Akio Toyoda, the president of the company and great-grandson of the company founder, came in from Japan to testify. This is a big deal, because this guy is a notoriously private person. He rarely checks his Facebook account. He's very private.
He came to apologize, and I think he even offered to kill himself with a sword.
Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high.
More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village...Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more.
It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything.
I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital in Washington, D.C., yesterday with chest pains. Doctors say he — oh. Let's just move on. We're not going to top that.
Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs.
It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything. I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company CEO appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.
President Obama met with the Dalai Lama today, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. They've even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys.
President Obama hosted a bipartisan healthcare summit yesterday. They met for a little more than six hours which, coincidentally, happens to be the average wait time at the emergency room, if you're bleeding.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.
Colbert is his usual irreverent self and gossips up the Cold War on Ice between the whining cry baby Russian versus the classy American who took a whole country's ire on the chin gracefully. Let me see if I understand this correctly: an American wins the gold and the Russians throw a temper tantrum because they wanted the gold.
Learn from America what America learned from you, Russia, during the Cold War era: Invest in your athletes and shell out the money to develop them. Don't blame America for what you were too cheap to invest. There was a time when Russia dominated the winter sports and that time was when Russia had a standard of excellence and invested in it. That time has passed by because of a lack of national interest.
Skip blaming everyone else for your rage and bring it home to where it belongs: on Russia's doorstep. Really, Mr. Putin, I expected better personal discipline from you. What a childish act of peeing on the gold medalist's stand by the silver medal holder skipping about the dais. He should have been disqualified for "stupid is as stupid does." He was outskated and out coached. Get over it. Gee, "do ya think?" I have an opinion about that incident? :)
From Bill Maher:
We're finding out a lot about Joe Stack. That's right, Joe the Suicide Bomber, the guy who flew the plane into the IRS office building in Texas. Boy, I knew teabaggers were mad, I didn't know they had an air force.
And now the authorities are trying to determine whether this is a terrorist attack, or just a tragic accident caused by Kevin Smith's fat a$$.
Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'
The Winter Olympics, apparently a big thing for a lot of people, and America has won the most medals. The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.
About the two political parties sitting down together to try and reach bi-partisanship for the TV cameras at the Health Care Summit: President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher.
Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign.
Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'
At the end of all of this, Obama says he doesn't think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You're just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they're not that into you. Obama's like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres (a public lesbian - for those living outside America - she is a comedian who also has a successful TV show).
Balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack. And who came by yesterday to cheer him up? The 'Angel of Duh' himself, George Bush. They sat together, and Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart...
From David Letterman:
You're watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.
Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder.
Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It's because Biden removed Cheney's dungeon at the White House.
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Olympic Gold Medal
10. You're allergic to snow
9. Fired a gun during your event but it's not the biathlon
8. Your neck is too fat to hang a medal on
7. You get winded saying "slalom"
6. Nobody can find any record of your home nation "Funkytown"
5. Only experience skating on ice is in your marriage (you fellas know what I'm talking about)
4. You're having a hard time putting your pants on over your skis
3. Skipped practice to see "Valentine's Day" — The Philadelphia Inquirer calls it an all-star candy sampler. Buy your tickets today!
2. Southwest Airlines kicked you off a flight to Vancouver because you're too fat
1. You haven't been off the couch since the '06 Winter Games
Jon Stewart lampoons CPAC for the Republicans as the conservatives weirdest answer to Woodstock while not high on recreational drugs. That's a bit scary. These guys are making nonsense declarations sober and straight. Be afraid; be very afraid...
And fresh from the mouth of the right wing entertainer nutjob, Glenn Beck: Progressivism is evil, very evil. Taxes are bad for you. Of course, taxes pay for the roads of how business people send their goods to market. Taxes pay for those public libraries and museums you so enjoy. Jon Stewart's arch nemesis is Glenn Beck and he loves to take apart the bizarre declarations of he and his "witty" friends.
Top 10 Jokes About Health Care Reform
1. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'- Jimmy Fallon
2. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher
3. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. - Craig Ferguson
4. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien
5. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel
6. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.' - Jimmy Fallon
7. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher
8. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. – Craig Ferguson
9. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien
10. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel
6. The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees. – Jimmy Fallon
7. Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!' – Jimmy Fallon
8. To win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them. – Jay Leno
9. You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you. – Jon Stewart
10. The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.' - Jimmy Fallon
These two quizzes are just too funny! I took both of them as the answer choices were all hilarious. One of the funniest tests I ever enjoyed. OK, so I like to mess with quiz results - and I had fun creating the political equivalent of becoming a two-sided conflicted Gemini. Read that as the tests can be manipulated to result as a devotee of either side:
10 Questions to Determine Your Political Identity
Democrat Loyalty Quiz
Republican Loyalty Quiz
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political humor, political opinion, political news
Obama, Glenn Beck, Dick Cheney, Democrats, Republicans
CPAC, conservatives convention, liberals, progressives
political quiz, funny quotes
late night show roundup, Colorado, guns
gun control, gun legislation, weird news, dirty politics, polarizing politics
At least around here in south Louisiana the only reason people keep guns are to hunt swamp rats - called nutria and actually taste pretty good and they are in the process of marketing the critters nationally - and hunt rabbits, deer, ducks and squirrel - and shoot the occasional stupid poisonous snake that slithers into the house and into the baby's crib. The Cajun motto here is if it moves, slithers or crawls it can be dinner on the table. Hmmm... might have to add politicians to that hunting list. Well, at least we don't hunt people like they like to do in Colorado. I wouldn't put anything past the Louisiana State legislature for brain dead stupid legislation. Usually, they prefer to line their pockets while literally building bridges to nowhere: the famous Sunshine Bridge. It sure is pretty.
Can you imagine if the greatest fear of the Colorado students out West was a crazed gunman comes onto campus, shooting randomly - and then in retaliation the entire student body pulls out their weapons and shoot back? Everyone would be dead. How do you like that scenario? People with no police or military training whatsoever carrying around concealed guns. Yeah, that's smart.
I could maybe deal with it if these students were required to pass sanity and police training tests every three months. Hey, I've got an idea: How about we call up Prez Obama to release some of that stimulus money to send the entire state of Colorado to Special Forces schooling? Then they will be so well trained in weapons we can ship them off to Iraq! Sounds like a plan. I hear the troops could use a holiday back home.
OK, stepping off my soapbox... That news story yesterday sure did blindside me.
On to the late night show funnies. With the Olympics still in full swing Colbert didn't miss a beat and found plenty to lampoon. Included here is one of his grins. He has plenty of Olympic themed videos, so knock yourself out. :)
Speaking of lampooning, Jon Stewart had a field day going after the bizarre antics of the Republican Party at their conservative hate-mongering CPAC convention, the Health Summit That Never Was and quoting Glenn Beck's supposedly philosophical yet terribly shallow nonsense thinking. Read that as "he got paid big bucks to tell lies on stage" to keep the faithful following the GOP.
And then there's Dick Cheney providing gossip fodder for the masses... Has anyone else wondered if he's having fake heart attacks? Isn't it interesting how every time he gets ugly, lies about the President on stage and to the TV cameras, suddenly he has a heart attack? There's big news coverage about his "condition" - but of course, don't you know, "it was really nothing serious" and "he's resting comfortably at home" - all before Obama has a chance to respond? Sure looks calculated and manipulative to me from where I'm sitting in my living room. How many times does Cheney pull the health card until the media grows some a backbone to call him on it? Meanwhile, he's laughing in his warped sleeve.
From Craig Ferguson:
It's a great day for former Vice President Dick Cheney, who was released from the hospital today. He's doing well. Doctors say he'll be up and shooting lawyers in no time.
About a third of the members of Congress are on Twitter. Now we know why nothing is getting done.
There’s a new member of Twitter: the Dalai Lama. I think he just did it to make China mad. Everything he does annoys China, it’s like he’s Ellen DeGeneres and China is Simon Cowell.
I disagreed with Cheney about a lot of things, but when he shot that lawyer in the face — you took my heart, Dick.
Do you know why it is a good day today? I'll tell you why. Because the new credit card regulations start today. That's good news if you have credit card debt, like me. I racked up 50 grand on bedazzlers.
But starting today, the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways. They can't raise or increase rates whenever they want. That's great news, because Americans owe $874 billion to credit card companies. To be fair, most of that is Mel Gibson's bar tab.
I don't keep many credit cards because I'm worried someone might steal my identity. Yeah, right. Like anyone would want my identity. After two days, they'd beg me to take it back.
Credit card companies make most of their profits from loaning money to people who they know can't pay it back. That's why credit card companies are evil. They're like a cross between Satan and divorce lawyers.
Credit card companies have been good for one group, of course. The mafia. When you need to borrow money, the mob seems like a better deal. 'You don't pay me back, I break both your legs.' 'Is that all? Fine.'
The Tiger Woods press conference was earlier today, and I was riveted by that. I think the most interesting part was when he apologized to the 'mistress in your region.'
Funny Jon Stewart's take on Prez Obama's Health Care Summit. Explains the practice of "reconciliation" in the Senate for moving votes along. Stewart Skewers GOP For Deeming Health Care Summit A "Setup":
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Summit's Eve | ||||
| ||||
From Jimmy Kimmel:
Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.
Something weird happened in the hospital. When they were putting the electrodes on him for the EKG, he suddenly started screaming, 'Stop! I'll tell you everything you want to know!'
Doctors have sent him home with strict instructions not to watch 'Keeping Up With the Kardashians' anymore.
Today, Congress held more hearings with the executives of Toyota. Akio Toyoda, the president of the company and great-grandson of the company founder, came in from Japan to testify. This is a big deal, because this guy is a notoriously private person. He rarely checks his Facebook account. He's very private.
He came to apologize, and I think he even offered to kill himself with a sword.
Yesterday, Oprah's entire set was made of chocolate. See, this is what happens when Oprah gets high.
More than 100,000 free condoms have been distributed in the Olympic Village...Because if there's one thing we don't want, it's the best athletes in the world getting together and producing more.
It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything.
I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company C.E.O. appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital in Washington, D.C., yesterday with chest pains. Doctors say he — oh. Let's just move on. We're not going to top that.
Tiger was adamant that his wife Elin never hit him with a golf club. I guess his Escalade fell down the stairs.
It was a fun day for the head of Toyota U.S.A. today. He had to appear in front of Congress to be yelled at by men who don't do anything. I have to say, it was actually refreshing to see a car company CEO appear before Congress and not ask for $10 billion.
President Obama met with the Dalai Lama today, despite strong objections from the Chinese government. They've even threatened to stop sending us poisonous toys.
President Obama hosted a bipartisan healthcare summit yesterday. They met for a little more than six hours which, coincidentally, happens to be the average wait time at the emergency room, if you're bleeding.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack, his fifth heart attack. Next one's free.
Colbert is his usual irreverent self and gossips up the Cold War on Ice between the whining cry baby Russian versus the classy American who took a whole country's ire on the chin gracefully. Let me see if I understand this correctly: an American wins the gold and the Russians throw a temper tantrum because they wanted the gold.
Learn from America what America learned from you, Russia, during the Cold War era: Invest in your athletes and shell out the money to develop them. Don't blame America for what you were too cheap to invest. There was a time when Russia dominated the winter sports and that time was when Russia had a standard of excellence and invested in it. That time has passed by because of a lack of national interest.
Skip blaming everyone else for your rage and bring it home to where it belongs: on Russia's doorstep. Really, Mr. Putin, I expected better personal discipline from you. What a childish act of peeing on the gold medalist's stand by the silver medal holder skipping about the dais. He should have been disqualified for "stupid is as stupid does." He was outskated and out coached. Get over it. Gee, "do ya think?" I have an opinion about that incident? :)
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Cold War Update - Olympic Edition | ||||
| ||||
From Bill Maher:
We're finding out a lot about Joe Stack. That's right, Joe the Suicide Bomber, the guy who flew the plane into the IRS office building in Texas. Boy, I knew teabaggers were mad, I didn't know they had an air force.
And now the authorities are trying to determine whether this is a terrorist attack, or just a tragic accident caused by Kevin Smith's fat a$$.
Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'
The Winter Olympics, apparently a big thing for a lot of people, and America has won the most medals. The only sport I really get into is snowboarding because that's the only sport where they perform a half pipe just after smoking a full pipe.
About the two political parties sitting down together to try and reach bi-partisanship for the TV cameras at the Health Care Summit: President Obama met with the Republicans for seven hours. And he was very patient with them. He praised them when it was appropriate, he was gently critical when necessary. It was like watching a really good special ed teacher.
Being politicians, they all got to sharing their personal stories. Obama talked about his mother's battle with cancer. Harry Reid talked about a kid with a cleft palate. And John McCain told how he once carried a brain dead woman through an entire campaign.
Over at the White House, President Obama met with the Dalai Lama. One akward moment when Rahm Emanuel stuck his head in the room and said, 'Who's the retard in the blanket?'
At the end of all of this, Obama says he doesn't think that he can reach a deal with the Republicans. You're just figuring that out now? I keep telling you, Barry, they're not that into you. Obama's like a guy in college who spends a whole year, wasting it, trying to hit on Ellen DeGeneres (a public lesbian - for those living outside America - she is a comedian who also has a successful TV show).
Balloons dropped because Dick Cheney had his millionth heart attack. And who came by yesterday to cheer him up? The 'Angel of Duh' himself, George Bush. They sat together, and Bush said he had spent the last year working on his book. I swear. Hard to believe Bush has a book. But if you buy Cheney has a heart...
From David Letterman:
You're watching CBS, home of the 1998 Winter Olympics.
Dick Cheney loves snowboarding. He thinks it's waterboarding, but colder.
Dick Cheney and Joe Biden are having a feud. It's because Biden removed Cheney's dungeon at the White House.
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win An Olympic Gold Medal
10. You're allergic to snow
9. Fired a gun during your event but it's not the biathlon
8. Your neck is too fat to hang a medal on
7. You get winded saying "slalom"
6. Nobody can find any record of your home nation "Funkytown"
5. Only experience skating on ice is in your marriage (you fellas know what I'm talking about)
4. You're having a hard time putting your pants on over your skis
3. Skipped practice to see "Valentine's Day" — The Philadelphia Inquirer calls it an all-star candy sampler. Buy your tickets today!
2. Southwest Airlines kicked you off a flight to Vancouver because you're too fat
1. You haven't been off the couch since the '06 Winter Games
Jon Stewart lampoons CPAC for the Republicans as the conservatives weirdest answer to Woodstock while not high on recreational drugs. That's a bit scary. These guys are making nonsense declarations sober and straight. Be afraid; be very afraid...
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| CPAC 2010 - Rage Within the Machine | ||||
| ||||
And fresh from the mouth of the right wing entertainer nutjob, Glenn Beck: Progressivism is evil, very evil. Taxes are bad for you. Of course, taxes pay for the roads of how business people send their goods to market. Taxes pay for those public libraries and museums you so enjoy. Jon Stewart's arch nemesis is Glenn Beck and he loves to take apart the bizarre declarations of he and his "witty" friends.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Rage Within the Machine - Progressivism | ||||
| ||||
Top 10 Jokes About Health Care Reform
1. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.'- Jimmy Fallon
2. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher
3. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. - Craig Ferguson
4. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien
5. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel
6. The health care bill was introduced yesterday. It's 1,990 pages long and costs $894 billion dollars. Or $2.2 million per word. That makes them the most expensive words to come out of Washington since 'Mission Accomplished.' - Jimmy Fallon
7. If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.' - Bill Maher
8. Not such a great day for the health care reform. The so-called public option died on the Senate floor today. It could have survived, but apparently it had a pre-existing condition. – Craig Ferguson
9. President Obama says he will not support a health-care plan where the government gets to decide whether to, quote, 'pull the plug on Grandma.' Apparently, Obama's plan calls for the much quicker pillow option. - Conan O'Brien
10. Barack Obama has been working hard to push his healthcare proposal. Obama still wants the bill to be bipartisan, but he's a realist, and given the near unanimous Republican opposition he's facing, now says he'd be satisfied if the bill was just bicurious. - Jimmy Kimmel
6. The health care overhaul will extend coverage to 30 million people who are uninsured, or, as Walmart calls them, employees. – Jimmy Fallon
7. Congressman John Boehner told a crowd of protesters yesterday that the new health care bill was the 'greatest threat to freedom he's ever seen.' And then the Taliban was like, 'Uh, helloooo? What?!' – Jimmy Fallon
8. To win passage for this health-care bill, President Obama went up to Capitol Hill and personally lobbied some of the wavering congressmen. And of course, the health insurance industry, they were very upset. You know, they said they bought and paid for these congressmen, he has no right to go up to them and talk to them. – Jay Leno
9. You know what is worse than being sick and not having health insurance? Having to sit through the Lieberman filibuster that kept it from you. – Jon Stewart
10. The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.' - Jimmy Fallon
These two quizzes are just too funny! I took both of them as the answer choices were all hilarious. One of the funniest tests I ever enjoyed. OK, so I like to mess with quiz results - and I had fun creating the political equivalent of becoming a two-sided conflicted Gemini. Read that as the tests can be manipulated to result as a devotee of either side:
10 Questions to Determine Your Political Identity
Democrat Loyalty Quiz
Republican Loyalty Quiz
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political humor, political opinion, political news
Obama, Glenn Beck, Dick Cheney, Democrats, Republicans
CPAC, conservatives convention, liberals, progressives
political quiz, funny quotes
late night show roundup, Colorado, guns
gun control, gun legislation, weird news, dirty politics, polarizing politics
Monday, January 11, 2010
Roundup of Late Night Funnies 11 Jan 2010
From Denny: By now everyone has heard about it - Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien are competing against each other on the same network since Jay didn't do well in the earlier time slot at night. To their credit and personal friendship, these comedians are making light of a really awkward situation.Love 'em or hate 'em here's the latest political opinions of gaffes from both sides of the aisle:
From Jay Leno:
There's a rumor floating around that we were cancelled. I heard it coming in this morning. So far, nobody's said anything to me. But Kev, if we did get cancelled, give us time to maybe do some traveling. In fact, I understand Fox (Network) is beautiful this time of year.
Actually, I don't think there's any truth to the rumors. See, in my experience, NBC only cancels you when you're in first place. So we're fine.
The annual list of the most admired men in the world came out today. Bill Clinton and Tiger Woods are tied. I wonder what those two would have in common.
An 86-year-old politician in India resigned after a sex tape surfaced showing him in bed with three women. 86 years old, three women. A lot of his constituents are saying it was a stupid idea for him to make the sex tape of himself. But the guy is 86. How else is he going to remember having sex?'
The weather here in California is very nice. But it's freezing all across the United States. In fact, in D.C., the weather is so bad — this is true — they actually hired convicted criminals to shovel snow at the U.S. Capitol. Isn't that amazing? So it's nice to see members of Congress doing something useful for a change.
And yesterday morning in Helsinki, Finland, a train crashed into a Holiday Inn. Here's the odd part. It was an Amtrak train from Connecticut.
On Fox News, Ann Coulter said she's against body scans at the airport because terrorists will still be able to hide explosives in their anus. So, finally, Ann Coulter is speaking on a topic she knows something about.
From Denny: With the Republicans trying to rally the troops these days, they keep up the mantra of how Obama is pulling America away from good values that they all grew up with in their alternate reality. Observe clips of some of the most egregious hypocrites as John Oliver pulls together an amusing "report" on the Republicans' ideal of America from some elusive mythologized intangible era:
John Oliver Searches for Glenn Beck and Bill O'Reilly's Good Old Days
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Even Better Than the Real Thing | ||||
| ||||
From David Letterman:
Cold. Am I right? You know, Rush Limbaugh was ill. And he had to go to the hospital. He had chest pains but he's completely recovered. He'll be back on his job on Wednesday, which is great because the country really can use some hot air now.
How many people flew to get here? I mean, come on, isn't flying more fun than it used to be? I mean, really. They make you take off your shoes, make you take off your underpants. ... I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, he is going to blow up the thing. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic.
Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.
They took the guy to court and the guy said he was charged with having weapons of mass destruction in his pants. And he told the judge, 'Well, I get no complaints from the ladies.'
Do you folks know anything about the Skull And Bones society? It's like a fraternal organization, at Yale University. Well, they're auctioning off a human skull. And I was thinking about this. I believe this is the first empty skull to come out of Yale, well, I think since George W. Bush, actually.
Top Ten Things I've Learned From the Last 20 Years of Television
(as presented by Homer Simpson on the Late Show With David Letterman)
10. Better to be bald than have a hairpiece like Letterman.
9. Do not buy sushi from the Home Shopping Network.
8. Thanks to iTunes, now you can get free TV shows for 99 cents.
7. Widesceen televisions were invented to accommodate Keith Olbermann's enormous head.
6. Sadly, "Cougar Town" is not a show about people getting attacked by giant cats.
5. Sitting close to the TV is a cheap alternative to a tanning salon.
4. No one on Earth is funnier than Howie Mandel.
3. There is no good way to tell your spouse you want to go on "Wife Swap."
2. Ever notice all morning weathermen are as fat as a dump truck?
1. Television is not a vast wasteland, it's a cesspool.
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Airport
10. To check a bag, it's a thousand bucks.
9. Security checkpoint workers encourage you to frisk them.
8. For the kids, a wading pool full of jet fuel.
7. Guy in tower won't say anything but "Niner."
6. All flights depart at the same time.
5. Airport is home to 7 of world's 10 deadliest snakes.
4. Has Hertz Rent-A-Monkey counter.
3. Them: "Where are you traveling?"
You: "San Francisco."
Them: "We'll get you as close as we can."
2. I don't remember planes having to parallel park quite so much.
1. At the duty-free shop you can buy exploding underpants.
From Jon Stewart:
There is a sex scandal roiling the nation right now. The tale of one man's insatiable sex drive and the beautiful women who succumb to his magnetic machismo. Does it involve ... lusty golfing legend Tiger Woods? Or perhaps it's six-foot, 15-inch and 174-pound bespectacled White House Budget Director Peter Orszag? Oh yeah, baby. The OMB director had a baby with this lady, a beautiful shipping heiress, just weeks before he got engaged to this other beautiful lady, who is a news reporter. I guess 'OMB' stands for the 'Office of Managing the Boo-tay.' Heeey!
I guess the CBO is the 'Congressional Badonkadonk Office.' ... Ladies, put your husbands to bed and hide your ovaries [on screen: footage of Orszag on talk shows]. Maybe you couldn't feel it through the TV screen, but I am telling you! I interviewed this guy. He's got the kavorka.
From Stephen Colbert:
Folks, I fear we are headed back to those dark days between 1972 and 1976 when a liberal Supreme Court outlawed the death penalty just because it was being 'wantonly and freakishly imposed.' Come on! If we outlawed everything that was wanton and freakish, what would happen to Lady Gaga?" – on reports the death penalty is "fading from use."
Night of Terror - The Crapification of the American Pant-Scape:
Airport crotch screening won't be inconvenient for frequent travelers who have a government-issued photo ID of their privates.
| The Colbert Report | Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c | |||
| Night of Terror - The Crapification of the American Pant-Scape | ||||
| ||||
From Jimmy Fallon:
Hey, a man in Washington, D.C., was apprehended by Secret Service yesterday for taking off his clothes and jogging naked near the White House. In related news, I say that’s probably the last time Biden ever takes Ambien.
The Secret Service was alerted when someone reported a man with a suspiciously shrinking package.
From Conan O'Brien:
Legal experts are saying, if he's convicted, the underwear bomber could be sentenced to life in Federal prison. But even worse, for the rest of his life, he'll be known as the underwear bomber.
Next week, President Obama will visit the auto show in Detroit and look at cars from the Big Three automakers. Or, as the Big Three automakers put it, 'the new owner is coming for a visit.
Today, President Obama honored more than 80 teachers for excellence in math and science. Then he begged them to leave China and come teach here in the United States.
This is weird. Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. Secret Service grabbed the man and immediately allowed him to attend a state dinner.
President Obama has appointed a transgender woman to a position in the Department of Commerce. You know, in this era of partisan bickering, President Obama deserves a lot of credit for taking a chance on Ann Coulter, I think.
Now, some people are really upset because President Obama has decided to redecorate the Oval Office, and he got rid of former President Bush's bust of Winston Churchill. When he heard about it, Bush was furious and said, 'Winston Churchill? I thought that was Higgins from 'Magnum P.I.'
* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - contributing to fund efforts to help homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - see what's new! And a special thanks to those of you supporting this effort! You rock!
Subscribe to A Truth Journal* Check out Dennys News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food - a place where all my 24 blogs link so you can choose from among the latest posts all in one place. A free to read online newspaper from independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon. *
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Roundup of Sunday Funnies - United Nations, Gaddafi Cartoons
From Denny: Awww, come on, we all knew the comics and cartoonists just couldn't leave it alone when it came to United Nations humor! And we are so glad they couldn't keep their hands off or their mouths shut... :)
The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: All the world's bigwigs converged on Gotham (New York City) by jumbo jet, helicopter, motorcade and, of course, jumbo chopper-cade. All to make it to their important meeting about climate change.
The Jay Leno Show
Jay Leno: Moammar Gadhafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?
Late Show
David Letterman: Look at how tight security is down at the harbor. See there, they got a ... [Screen shows Statue of Liberty wearing Secret Service-style sunglasses]
The Tonight Show
Conan O'Brien: As usual, he was all over the place. Take a look at this. [Video of Gadhafi speaking, with translation captioned as, "We need to work toward peace by understanding each other. For example, this Chinese restaurant menu says free eggroll with order, but when my food arrived ... there was no eggroll."]
From Denny: You know a Democrat is in the White House when it seeps into the cartoon culture. Love it, Ziggy!
And since we are talking about political "fat cats" this is fun:
And, to remember, darn, we are starting yet another work week:
To catch up over at Dennys Global Politics (I was busy this weekend putting up collections of news clips on various stories):
7 Videos: Former President Bill Clinton on Meet The Press
5 Videos: G20 Conference Highlights, World Sanctions Against Iran, Obamas Vision, Diplomatic Security Story, How Irans People Will Fare Under New Sanctions
3 Videos: Secretary of State Hillary Clinton Interviewed About Iran Nukes
Video: Giving Abused Afghan Women Hope
2 Videos: Terrorist Zazi Close to Finishing That Bomb
Video: Irans Speech Rejected by United Nations Delegates, No Thanks!
Video: Iran Protestors Outside United Nations
* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - contributing to fund efforts to help homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - see what's new! And a special thanks to those of you supporting this effort! You rock!
Subscribe in a reader to A Truth Journal* Check out Dennys News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food - a place where all my 24 blogs link so you can choose from among the latest posts all in one place. A free to read online newspaper from independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon. *
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
Monday, August 17, 2009
This Weeks Roundup of Sunday Funnies - Watch Out Obamas Drinking Beer
From Denny: Finally! The newer late night show quips are up at the This Week site. This little kitten looks so much like my cat Lay-own-ARRRRD-doe! (Leonardo - he thinks he's Italian and loves to watch TV too...)
Monday, June 22, 2009
This Week: Roundup of Sunday Funnies - McCain is Like Benjamin Button
Late Show
David Letterman: They're recounting the ballots cast in the iranian elections, and today they found 14 more votes for Norm Coleman [the Minnesota senator contesting the outcome of the 2008 election].
Late Night
Jimmy Fallon: I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other "Supreme Leaders:" Burrito supreme, taco supreme and, of course, Diana Ross.
The Tonight Show
Conan O'Brien: I found out NBC's already producing a made-for-TV movie about these latest events. [cut to split-screen of Ahmadinejad photo with Ringo Starr photo]. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will be played by Ringo Starr. We're all happy about that.
The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: In the quest for lasting peace while still balancing the demands of a two-front active war on terror all while attempting to prevent a real-life remake of the 'Grapes in Wrath' [Obama clip: The moment is right for health-care reform], the moment is right for -- sorry. It's right for health-care reform. Sorry, were you bored? Not enough on the plate, Jedi Master.
Late Night
Jimmy Fallon: John McCain said on his Twitter feed, on Monday, that he's buying a brand-new Ford Fusion Hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn't use a computer. Now he's on Twitter and buying a hybrid. What's going on? I think he's like Benjamin Button.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Jimmy Kimmel: Our Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is in a cast. She fell and broke her elbow. To wish her well today [photo of White House with half-mast pants on flag post], they flew a pantsuit at half-mast.
* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - - see what's new! (yes, my new charity - why stand on the sidelines when you can actively do something about a problem?)
Subscribe in a reader to A Truth Journal* Check out Dennys News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food - a place where all my other 20 blogs link so you can choose from among the latest posts all in one place. A free to read online newspaper from independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon. *
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
Monday, June 15, 2009
This Week: Roundup of Sunday Funnies - The Obama Effect
Bozo Sapien Clown Photo by I'm Fantastic @ flickr
From Denny: Here's a roundup of the late-night comics and was before the outcome of the so-called democratic election was "decided" by the dictator, the clerics and supreme leader.
The Colbert Report
Stephen Colbert: in Iraq: Saddam sure had good taste. There's so much marble and gold paint, I thought I was watching "The Real Housewives of New Jersey."
The Tonight Show
Conan O'Brien: Iranians will have to decide which candidate is best prepared to lead them into the the 12th century.
The Daily Show
Jon Stewart: The Cairo effect, did this already pay off?
MSNBC anchorman Chris Matthews [on tape]: Could it be the Obama effect? The Obama effect?
Stewart: The Obama effect. [Shows graphic of Obama's face superimposed on Bourne Identity movie poster.] Isn't that the sequel to the Obama identity?
Late Night
Jimmy Fallon: President Obama is proposing a new national health care plan that's both inexpensive and acceptable. He's calling it, "Have your surgery in Mexico."
Real Time With Bill Maher
Bill Maher: They released, this wee, four prisoners formerly held at Guantanamo Bay. ... They're resettling them in Bermuda and giving them $100,000. In a related story, the entire population of Detroit said that they were part of al Qaeda.
The Tonight Show
O'Brien: The new CEO said, this is a quote, "Going forward we intend to build on Chrysler's culture of innovation." Then he laughed for three straight hours.
* * * Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - helping homeless female military veterans come home. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - - see what's new! (yes, my new charity - why stand on the sidelines when you can actively do something about a problem?)
Subscribe in a reader to A Truth Journal* Check out Dennys News Politics Comedy Science Arts & Food - a place where all my other 20 blogs link so you can choose from among the latest posts all in one place. A free to read online newspaper from independent journalist blogger Denny Lyon. *
*** THANKS for visiting, feel welcome to drop a comment or opinion, enjoy bookmarking this post on your favorite social site, a big shout out to awesome current subscribers – and if you are new to this blog, please subscribe in a reader or by email updates!
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