Monday, April 14, 2014

Funny Late Nite Jokes: About Putin and Russia Attacking Ukraine

From Denny: While Putin lies to the world about his storming Russian military doing land grabs and killing innocent people in Ukraine, well, we might as well see what the comics have to say about the situation - and this weird guy, otherwise known at our house as Prancing Putin.

President Obama has basically told him to screw off many times.  Kudos to Obama.  Of course, Putin is living in the delusion that by constantly phoning and engaging Obama, he can delay the sanctions or military action.  Putin actually believes Obama won't dare engage militarily.  I wouldn't make that bet, Putin.  At the rate Putin is going, taunting every country with fly-overs, it is the entire world that will be marching to his doorstep to put his country to the torch.  Me?  I would have already dropped a strafing bomb set to his tanks on the Ukraine border - just to warm up the troops for some future fun.  Truly, no one is in the mood for world domination a la Putin style.  Ugh.

Not to worry, dear world.  At the end of this tragic story, Putin dies as horribly as he lived, much like the character of the child king on Game Of Thrones most recent episode:  unexpectedly and from a corner of his hell he never saw coming.  Stay tuned.

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Keep Calm, Really? Potholder

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President Obama has convinced the leaders of the world's biggest economies to move the G-8 summit out of Russia this summer and meet in Brussels instead. Then Vladimir Putin said, 'All good. By summer, Brussels will be part of Russia.' – Jimmy Fallon 

They've kicked Vladimir Putin out of the G-8, the most powerful economic organization. So now he won't be getting his G-8 jacket. He won't be getting the G-8 mug. And he's not going to get the G-8 tote bag. – David Letterman

Ukraine is in a lot of trouble, and I was thinking about this. The only guy who can turn things around for Ukraine — Phil Jackson. – David Letterman

Russian President Vladimir Putin is claiming Russia did not invade the Crimean peninsula. What are those guys, neighborhood watch? Mall cops? – David Letterman

President Obama is steamed about this. He got Vladimir Putin on the phone and said, 'Hello, is this Adele Dazeem?' – David Letterman

Vladimir Putin is a goon, a stooge, and a thug. Not only did he invade Crimea, but he shut down '' – David Letterman

If you want to boycott Russia, do what I did. Switch to a domestic vodka. – David Letterman

If Putin invades Ukraine and then passes the written test, he will be promoted to dictator. – David Letterman

Putin doesn't know what the troops are doing there. And he has no exit strategy. He got that from us. – David Letterman
The president of the United States is getting outplayed. Look what he wore when he Saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with Putin – no tie, jeans with a jean shirt. What is this, casual doomsday? Meanwhile, on the other end, you know Putin is shirtless, stroking a tiger, looking into an infinity mirror. – Stephen Colbert
Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn't find Ukraine on a map. Said Vladimir Putin, 'Soon nobody will.' – Seth Meyers
On Sunday Mitt Romney suggested that he had a power to 'see the future,' and could have stopped Russia from invading Crimea if he had been elected in 2012. Though if he could really see the future, he wouldn't have run for president in 2012. – Seth Meyers
Tensions between Russia and Ukraine escalated this week when Crimea’s parliament voted in favor of leaving Ukraine and becoming part of Russia. 'Oh come on!' said a kid with an upcoming Geography test. – Cecily Strong on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

President Obama this week warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has sent warships to Crimea, that he is on the “wrong side of history.” Pretty strong words from a guy who still uses a Blackberry. – Cecily Strong
Because of Russia's actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions. Obama said if Russia doesn't pull out of Kiev we're not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China. – Conan O'Brien

It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia.– David Letterman

Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys.– David Letterman

President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman.– David Letterman 

Today President Obama was in the Netherlands for a nuclear summit with 50 other world leaders. Putin didn't even attend. He sent his foreign minister in his place. He said he doesn't want to visit any country he can't keep. – Jimmy Fallon

This year marks the 50th anniversary of Disney's 'It's a Small World' ride. But they're making some changes to it. They're making the Russian section much, much larger. – Jimmy Fallon 

President Obama now is meeting with the G-7 leaders. Can you name all of the G-7? I try but I always forget Bashful. – David Letterman

When Obama meets with the G-7 leaders it must be fun for him to put faces to the voices he hears on the wiretaps. – David Letterman

Ukraine said it plans to take Russia to court to try to get Crimea back. So get ready next week for a very special 'Judge Judy.' – Conan O'Brien

Tomorrow morning, Russia will fly an American astronaut to the International Space Station. And you thought driving someone home after a breakup was awkward. – Seth Meyers

Over the weekend Vladimir Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow to celebrate Crimea joining Russia – and also the fact that he had Stanford beating Kansas in his March Madness pool. – Jimmy Fallon 

That's right, Putin ordered fireworks to go off in Moscow. Either that or one of Putin's rivals tried to start his car. – Jimmy Fallon

Today the U.N. approved a resolution calling Russia's annexation of Crimea illegal. For those of you who don't know what a U.N. resolution is, it's about as powerful as a negative Yelp review. – Seth Meyers 

Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia's invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn't own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn't spend much time online. When he says 'LOL,' he means 'Look out, Latvia.' – Jimmy Fallon

That's right, Putin doesn't have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won't stop bragging about it. – Jimmy Fallon

Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They're calling it a 'conscious uncoupling.' – Jimmy Fallon

Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin and his wife, Connie, have been married a long time, and everybody thought they were happily married. Well, last week Putin announced he was divorcing Connie. And when Chris Humphries heard that, he said, 'You can do that, really?' So far, it's a very amicable divorce. So far, Connie is still alive. – David Letterman

Yesterday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and his wife announced that they are getting a divorce after almost 30 years of marriage. When asked why, Putin said, 'We tried to make it work, but you know what they say: Men are from Malgobek, women are from Kadnikov.' – Jimmy Fallon

Another big story is the ongoing situation in Ukraine, which has caused a lot of tension between the U.S. and Russia. But get this — NASA has announced that it will continue to work with Russia's space program, even though the Pentagon has severed ties with the Russian military. When asked why, scientists from both sides were like, 'Because we're building a robot army, umm – ER – nothing.' – Jimmy Fallon

Stocks are dropping like a Super Bowl ring into Vladimir Putin's pocket. That is how bad it was. – Jay Leno

Are you aware of the fact that Vladimir Putin stole a Super Bowl ring from the owner of the Patriots? Listen to this: Today he stole Ricki Lake's daytime Emmy. The guy's whacko. – David Letterman

The peacemaker is Vladimir Putin. He is going to help us secure the chemical weapons, because if there is one thing you can trust Putin with, it’s poison. – Bill Maher on the Syria crisis

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David Letterman's "Top Ten Guys Vladimir Putin Looks Like"

10. He looks like the guy at the gym who grunts too much
9. The guy at the strip club who hits on the strippers
8. The guy in the parking lot who takes up two spaces
7. The neighbor who keeps your kids' frisbee when it lands in his yard
6. Inmate 527355 at the federal penitentary in Terre Haute
5. The guy who wears leather gloves in July
4. The guy in karate class who refuses to bring it down a notch
3. The guy who slices and eats food with a pocket knife
2. The personal trainer who can get you steroids
1. The guy who hogs the mic at karaoke night

Some Russians are claiming that Putin's election was rigged and that he has no legitimate claim to power. You know what these Russians are called? Missing. – Craig Ferguson

Evidently, voters really responded to his campaign slogan: 'Putin 2012 - Or He'll Shoot Your Family.' – Stephen Colbert

Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia. In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it's 'always right.' Then he went back to organizing an election where you can't vote 'No.' – Jimmy Fallon 
Russian President Vladimir Putin said he may seek a fourth term but that's up to the people to decide. Then he laughed for 10 minutes . . . shirtless. – Conan O'Brien

The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse. But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin's approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea. When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada. – Jimmy Fallon 

It seems like everybody's weighing in on the situation. In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia. Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift. – Jimmy Fallon

Sarah Palin offered some advice to President Obama regarding Vladimir Putin, saying the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke. And the most shocking part of that statement is that she considers President Obama a good guy. – Seth Meyers

President Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament. In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga. – Seth Meyers

A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive. Usually, you can't find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America. – Jimmy Fallon 

Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia. Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia. Even Kim Jong Un said, 'Yeah, right.' – Jimmy Fallon

It's been very tense between Russia and us recently. In fact, lawmakers in Russia have started a petition to get the U.S. kicked out of this year's World Cup. Or they could just take the easier route and wait until we lose in the first round to literally any other country. – Jimmy Fallon 

New reports show that the Crimean vote to join Russia on Sunday did not include an option for 'no.' There were only two boxes on the ballot, one for 'yes,' and one for 'murder my family.' – Seth Meyers

Today Syria agreed to a tentative plan to send all of its chemical weapons to Russia. Vladimir Putin said those weapons better not be gay. – Conan O'Brien

President Obama has called off a summit with Russian President Vladimir Putin because of diplomatic differences. Also, Obama didn't like Putin's demand that the summit be held shirtless and on horseback. – Conan O'Brien

Putin said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional' and said that, quote, 'God created us equal.' Then he got back to arresting people for being gay. – Jimmy Fallon

Vladimir Putin has taken his criticism of America up a notch. Today he wrote an Op-Ed for The New York Times asking the U.S. to be more civilized. Unfortunately, Putin couldn't finish it because he had to take his shirt off and arrest gay people. – Conan O'Brien

The New York Times published an Op-Ed piece written by Vladimir Putin. Putin warns against American exceptionalism. He says it is dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation. He sounds like a fun dad, huh? – Jimmy Kimmel

Putin said that when Americans claim to be exceptional it offends other countries. This from a man who arrests his political opponents, persecutes people based on sexual orientation, and put a girl band in a labor camp for singing songs he didn't like. We don't think we are better than everyone else. We just think we are better than him, specifically. – Jimmy Kimmel

Russian President Vladimir Putin actually wrote an Op-Ed piece in The New York Times where he said it's dangerous for Americans to see themselves as 'exceptional.' Then he said, 'Except for that Justin Timberlake. That guy is amazing.' – Jimmy Fallon

Organizers for the Sochi Olympics have had trouble filling seats for the biathlon. This is because Vladimir Putin is warning people away from any event containing 'bi.' – Conan O'Brien
On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia. – Jimmy Fallon 

The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried. Today John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look. When they landed, McCain said, 'This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!' And then someone said, 'We have a layover – this is LaGuardia Airport.' – Jimmy Fallon

Things are moving quickly over there. Crimea is now holding a vote on whether to join Russia, but the ballot doesn't have an option for voting against the plan – it lets people vote for joining Russia now, or down the road. When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, 'iTunes user agreement.' – Jimmy Fallon 

Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. – David Letterman

While attempting to light the Olympic flame, Vladimir Putin's body oil caught on fire. – David Letterman
This week the Russian government gave all 44 of its Olympic medalists a new Mercedes. When asked what happened to the athletes who didn't medal, Putin said, 'Do not open trunk.' – Jimmy Fallon
Today, the Olympic torch arrived in Sochi. But Vladimir Putin immediately put it out because he thought it was too flaming. – Conan O'Brien
Yesterday Matt Lauer jokingly blamed Bob Costas' eye infection on Russian President Vladimir Putin. Yeah, and today police are wondering: Where in the world is Matt Lauer? – Conan O'Brien
Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics. – David Letterman

Edward Snowden is seeking temporary asylum in Russia, because you know when you're tired of the government snooping into everything you do, Putin's Russia is definitely the place you want to go. – Bill Maher

NSA leaker Edward Snowden has filed for asylum in Russia, but Vladimir Putin is against it. You know, if Snowden really wants to stay in Russia he should just speak out against Putin. He'll get to stay in Russia the rest of his life. – Jay Leno

Did you see the pictures of Obama and Putin at the G-8 summit? It was like Thanksgiving with your relatives. – David Letterman

President Obama is trying to get Vladimir Putin to scale back Russia's nuclear arsenal. But it's not a good time. Putin just got a divorce. He just lost half his stuff. And his wife gets to use the Kremlin on weekends. – Craig Ferguson

It's a great day for our president. He's down in Mexico for the G-20 Summit. Today he met with Russia's Vladimir Putin. He said 'I think your communist policies are a danger to the world.' There's no word on how Obama responded. – Craig Ferguson

The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume. – Seth Meyers

The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense. And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border. Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise. When asked what they're training for, Russian officials said, 'Invading Ukraine.' – Jimmy Fallon

The Russians took over Crimea and Republicans know who to blame: Obama. Yes, it all happened because Obama is weak, unlike warrior king Mitt Romney. It never would have happened under him. – Bill Maher

John McCain wrote an op-ed in the New York Times and said Obama has made America look weak because he is not decisive. Right, decisive. You know, once you have picked Sarah Palin as your vice president, decisions aren't something we call you for as a phone-a-friend. – Bill Maher

Sarah Palin said perhaps the most irresponsible thing I've ever heard any politician say. She said, 'The only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.' You think she realizes that nuking Russia might not be good for someone who can see Russia from her house? – Bill Maher

Putin wrote that Op Ed in The New York Times yesterday and lectured America on democracy. This is like getting parenting notes from Billy Ray Cyrus. – Bill Maher

Russian President Vladimir Putin was on vacation last week, and apparently he caught a giant 46-pound fish. Putin called it a crowning achievement, while the manager of the aquarium said, 'What am I supposed to do? He's president.' – Jimmy Fallon

Russian President, Vladimir Putin rode a submarine to the bottom of the ocean to look at the remains of an old shipwreck. And also because 'SpongeBob knows too much.' – Jimmy Fallon

After hearing that he has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, Putin said, 'Tell me who the other nominees are — and I will eliminate them.' – Conan O'Brien

Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation. So if you felt bad because you didn't know where Crimea was, don't worry, it's gone. – Seth Meyers

Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia. According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place. – Seth Meyers

Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, 'window shopping.' – Jimmy Fallon

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