Sunday, June 26, 2011

Roundup of Late Nite Jokes: 2012 Election Politics

From Denny:While the nation laughs at the GOP contenders trolling across the nation for dollars and votes the comedians are out in full force making us laugh harder. First, there is the Sarah Palin "We The People" Bus Tour across America to show her patriotism.

Forget it the historic facts were spewed out wrong. Just keep rolling that bus while you collect wads of cash to stuff into your greedy pockets. It's amazing anyone gives her money as she promises illogical things and delivers air promises.  When the press quotes her exactly everyone is still left scratching their heads, wondering what was she addressing as an issue and what was her solution.

Then we all got to snicker as Newt Gingrich got fired by his own campaign. Come on. Who fires their candidate? Yeah, it was that bad. Kind of makes you feel bad for the Republicans. OK, not enough to vote for any of them but still... Can you imagine trying to sell lipstick on the Newt Pig? That's one hard sell that not even Tiffany's jewelry could improve. It's no wonder they covered their faces like The Taliban and left town.

Moving right along in the psycho-drama of the 2012 Republicans are the Mormon candidates.  Mitt Romney used to be a Democrat but changed sides like any good ol' fashioned opportunist seeking the most votes in uncertain political times. Unfortunately, for him, as nice a guy as he appears, he also comes across as someone with a vacant mind. He changes his positions so many times you would think he wrote the Political Kama Sutra Manual.

John Huntsman is The Other Mormon. This guy comes across as a real person, not plastic and practiced. He seems to be a political natural. Depending on how he does with his stated positions will determine whether he has crossover appeal to the Independents and many Democrats for the national election. His biggest hurdle is to get past the Tea Party crazies and conservatives. Good luck on that one.

Then there's John McCain out there fronting for the Big Business Department of Defense weapons makers wanting to continue The Whore Wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya and soon to be debuting: Yemen. What military with a sound mind does war on four fronts simultaneously? It's suicide for the troops on the ground.

These greedy rat bastards of Big Business want to stuff their pockets with wads of cash too but lack the political charisma to go trolling for dollars on a GOP bus tour. So, they do it the old fashioned way: Buy a president, lots of willing senators and hordes of greedy puppet Congressmen to get their money for them from the taxpayers' treasury.

Big Business also provides high-paying jobs to Pentagon guys after they retire if only they will push through and lobby for them while they are still in service. Of course, after those generals and colonels retire, Big Business likes to profit off their long relationships and use them to, you guessed it, get more money from The Treasury.

And let's not forget Fox News, The Great Enabler of Bad Politics, which is nothing but an entertainment channel of pure venomous fantasy, delivering a not so clever version of a psy-ops on the American public. Forget that it is owned by a crass Australian who really has no business controlling American media - or hearts and minds. He's been doing the same misinformation campaign in the United Kingdom, expanding to as many different countries as he can get his hooks into politicians.

"Do Ya Think?" the American public is weary of being used? Oh, yeah.

Well, what can a typical voter do? Watch the news and then flip the channel to the comedy guys. It's our best defense. Not only that, guys like Jon Stewart deliver the critical thinking required for today's severe corruption politics.

It practically takes a score card - and a new Political Sports Channel - to keep up with Wall Street markets manipulation and worldwide financial corruption, Pentagon dipping at the public trough for defense manufacturers and other secret off-the-books intelligence groups, Big Insurance, Big Oil and Big Banks all wanting their share of public monies for their now profitable and always hungry coffers.

Meanwhile, President Obama struggles to regain voter confidence. It has evaporated as he and Team Obama sat on their hands for three years, doing nothing significant about the economy. The only way to put on the amount of jobs per month required also required a huge government move much like FDR did during The Great Depression. Everyone knows it is necessary.

Big Business did not want Obama to set up that competition for them so they nixed the idea. And so, we see ourselves in the Economic Slow Implode Position as a result of waiting upon Big Business to do their job to invest in the economy.

The problem is that Big Business is no longer in the business of actually running a viable business. Nor are they any longer interested in good quality workmanship, attracting American workers, attractive retirement plans, good working conditions, or, most especially, innovation. What they have become addicted to are two things: cheap labor overseas and feeding at the public trough for corporate welfare. They have become so lazy as business people their businesses are imploding.

Stay tuned to this Political Sports Channel to keep up with the deception, the bald-faced lies, the manipulations, the misinformation and more government and business sector fun. This is the ultimate reality show. We don't even have to make up this crazy stuff as it's handed to us on a silver platter.

Check out the funny video of President Obama calming a baby in the crowd. Maybe he should put those skills to good use and start treating the economy with the same loving tender care and riveted attention.

And also not to be missed is Jon Stewart's assessment of Fox News and just how many lies they tell on a daily basis, courtesy of fact checking via PolitiFact. Be careful of what you are trying to sell. The world is watching. :)

Now, on to the funny guys:

From Jay Leno:

Did you see that video where a crying baby is handed to President Obama? As soon as the president holds the baby it stops crying. Do you know how rare that is these days; that a politician is handed a baby from a crowd and it's not his?

That's pretty amazing. The baby stopped crying as soon as the president held it. Obama should try that with John Boehner.

Sarah Palin has canceled the rest of her bus trip around America. She had to quit before she got to Mount Rushmore and somebody asked her to name the Presidents.

President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, 'It's a trap, don't do it!' But President Obama's tweets are a little different than Anthony Weiner's. When Obama sends out pictures of something obscene, it's the unemployment numbers.

Earlier tonight President Obama gave his speech about Afghanistan. He's starting a new phase in the military campaign called operation reelection.

Senator John McCain is in a bit of hot water after he made an unsubstantiated claim that illegal immigrants caused the Arizona wildfires. He kind of backtracked today. Now he's saying it was just the Metamucil talking.

John McCain made his claim that illegal immigrants started the Arizona wildfires without doing his research. The last time he did that we got Sarah Palin.

It has now been revealed that Newt Gingrich had a second line of credit at Tiffany's for up to a million dollars. That sounds like a lot until you remember that Congress has a line of credit with China for up to $14.3 trillion.

More bad news for Newt Gingrich. One week after his campaign staff quit, his campaign finance team quit. In fact, newt was going to pull out of the race, but today the guy who writes his concession speeches quit. He can't do anything.

According to new polls, 66 percent of Americans believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news is, gas is so expensive and traffic is so bad that we won't get there for a long time.

Tomorrow President Obama will lay out his plan for bringing our troops home from Afghanistan. Ten years ago Afghanistan had a backwards, corrupt government. And now they have a democratically elected, backwards, corrupt government. So that's progress.

Newt Gingrich has a new campaign slogan: 'Now hiring!' Sixteen of Gingrich's top staff quit last week, and today, two of his top fundraisers quit. He's not even president and he's already raising the unemployment rate.

Jon Huntsman is so little known, when he announced for the Presidency he had his name written on his hand.

Idaho state senator and former Republican legislator of the year, John McGee, is charged with drunk driving and suspicion of felony grand theft after reportedly stealing an SUV with a 20-foot trailer attached to it. In his defense, there's not a lot to do in Idaho.

The Wall Street Journal is reporting that a Chinese billionaire investor named Wang Gongquan announced to the world that he is leaving his wife to elope with his mistress, and he did it on a Chinese blogging site like Twitter. Men are the same all over the world, aren’t they? We have Weiner, they have Wang. It’s the same thing. No matter where you go.

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama's handicap is Joe Biden.

The team of Obama and Boehner beat the team of Vice President Joe Biden and Ohio Gov. John Kasich. When they tallied up the score, they were 14 trillion over par.

Did you see the picture of House Speaker Boehner and President Obama after their golf game? Boehner was crying over his score and Obama was giving a list of reasons why his score was better than it looks.

A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall.

Arnold Shwarzenegger's favorite game on Father's Day? Old Maid.

Rush Limbaugh has come out with his own brand of iced tea, with a picture of him on horseback dressed as Paul Revere. How confusing is this going to be for Sarah Palin?

Well, several congressmen have filed a lawsuit against President Obama for getting us involved in Libya. They claim Obama got the U.S. in a Middle East war without authorization from Congress. To which Dick Cheney and Bush said, 'You can get sued for that?'

President Obama met with the president of Mongolia. Of course, Sarah Palin had to chime in, saying her favorite movie was 'Steel Mongolians.'

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says that Al Qaeda's new leader will be hunted down and killed just like bin Laden. They think he may be in Pakistan. They know that because Pakistan says they have no idea where he is.

Al Qaeda is not what it used to be. You can see they don't have the money anymore. Instead of 70 virgins, martyrs now get a gift certificate to Olive Garden.

Officials still can't say what happened to $6.6 billion that was sent to Iraq for reconstruction. That's money we could have wasted and mismanaged right here at home.

Tuesday June 21, 2011
Fox News False Statements
Fox News turns into a lying dynasty when PolitiFact checks the news network for false statements.

From David Letterman:

Newt Gingrich announced he was running for president. His top advisers quit, and then his campaign fundraisers all quit. Newt was thinking, 'I don't need this, I'll just put it all on my Tiffany's credit card.'

New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a long way. The last Republican president wasn't even fluent in English.

Here's fascinating cultural, sociological news: New York City is very close to legalizing same-sex marriage. But until it becomes official, the only place in New York City where gay couples can actually marry is backstage at the Tony Awards.

I'll tell you who's in a lot of trouble: Mitt Romney. He's supposedly the Republican presidential contender front-runner. Here's what happened: He created a successful healthcare plan in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? Come on! What a dope.

Former governor of Utah, Jon Huntsman, is running for president. He's one of those guys that can do everything — he speaks Chinese. In a couple of years we'll all be speaking Chinese, so who cares?

Top Ten Reasons to Watch the New 'Countdown with Keith Olbermann' (presented by Keith Olbermann)

10. You'll want to treat yourself to a larger television to accommodate my giant head.
9. Now that Oprah's gone, I want to be your new best girlfriend.
8. It's the only show on television that's not a damn singing contest.
7. Tomorrow Hugo Chavez stops by to make his famous Jalapeno Wowzers.
6. We are neither fair, nor balanced.
5. Special news commentary from my hand puppet, Topo Gigio.
4. What else are you going to do with your time, read?
3. I just hired Paul Shaffer as my musical director — I'm sorry, Dave.
2. Better watch now because things could go wrong in a hurry.
1. Some lucky viewer gets tweets of my penis.

Top Ten Signs Al Qaeda Is Running Out of Money

10. Switching from name-brand to generic plastic explosive
9. Jerry Lewis is hosting Al Jazeera's first ever jihad-a-thon
8. Ayman Al-Zawahiri closed latest videotaped message with, "And now a word from Valvoline"
7. New catchphrase: "Death to Bill Collectors"
6. Shoe-bombers encouraged to shop at Payless
5. No more free soda in the 11th floor refrigerator
4. Reducing afterlife payment to 71 virgins
3. Training camps rented out on weekends for bar mitzvahs
2. Canceled ambitious plan to put a Mullah on the moon
1. Bet entire budget on the Miami Heat

Did you see the Republican debate last night? Oh my God! Those guys up there and Michele Bachmann, and it was exciting, and you know who did well? Michele Bachmann. Bachmann did well. Newt Gingrich was so impressed with Michele Bachmann, he gave her a $200,000 gift certificate from Tiffany’s.

Father’s Day this year is a bonus year for Arnold Shwarzenegger. Last year my son wouldn’t give me my gift until I gave him a DNA swab.

Today is the anniversary of the Great Wall of China. And since it was built, not one Mexican has sneaked in.

Bill Day

Nick Anderson

Jack Ohman

From Conan O'Brien:

Today Sarah Palin canceled her bus tour, reportedly canceling dates in Iowa, South Carolina, and New Hampshire. When asked why, Palin answered: 'It turns out those places are nowhere near each other.'

In a new videotape message, Texas Gov. Rick Perry urges his supporters to follow him on 'Tweeter.' After hearing about it, John McCain laughed and said, “What an idiot! It's 'The Tweeter.''

Newt Gingrich bragged on his 3rd wife, saying, 'She plays the French horn.' Then things got awkward when he added, 'If you know what I mean.'

The Governor of Texas says if he runs for President he’ll fight accusations he’s gay. He’ll give any guy who accuses him a good hard pinch in the butt.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying low in Europe. He was in his homeland of Austria, and he said he misses schnitzel. By the way, schnitzel is the name of his Austrian lovechild.

John McCain says he is puzzled by the backlash to his comment that illegal immigrants are the cause of Arizona's wildfires. He said, 'Of course, I'm also puzzled by the defrost option on my microwave.'

The Egyptian military is asking people who they want to be the next president by using a Facebook poll. So congratulations to Egypt's new leader, President Betty White.

You all know Bristol Palin has a book. She reveals that she lost her virginity on a camping trip. Bristol said she named her son 'Tripp' because 'camping' seemed like a dumb name.

A spokesman for Texas Gov. Rick Perry says there's a 50/50 chance he'll run for president. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin says there's an 80/50 chance she'll run for president.

NBC has apologized for editing out the words 'under God' from its coverage of the U.S. Open. They're also apologizing for Brian Williams signing off with 'Hail Satan.'

Bristol Palin's new book says she lost her virginity on a night when she had too many wine coolers. It's in the chapter “Things I Have in Common with Conan O'Brien.'

According to a poll, over 50 percent of viewers thought Mitt Romney won this week’s presidential debate. They thought Mitt Romney won, yeah. Romney credits the win to his grasp of the issues and the good people at Mattel, who built him.

According to a new study, American fathers are spending more than twice the amount of time with their children than they used to in years past. Experts say it's due to a sweeping new trend called 'unemployment.'

Many people have noticed that Palin likes to use 'flippin'' instead of the 'f' word. For instance, one email says, 'I wish my daughter and Levi Johnston would stop flippin'.'

Clay Bennett

Dana Summers

Jack Ohman

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Sarah Palin has abruptly ended her bus tour of the United States. The idea was to drive around the country giving speeches in front of historical landmarks. Reportedly, she's back in Alaska at home, which is weird because it's not like her to quit something.

Bristol Palin released her much-anticipated memoir called 'Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far.' Bristol said that Levi Johnston cheated on her but then made it up to her by buying designer rain boots. Things are different up there, I guess.

President Obama announced that progress is being made in Afghanistan after the death of Osama bin Laden, which means we're going to be bringing 10,000 troops home by the end of this year. Here's what I don't understand about Afghanistan: With all that opium lying around, you'd think it would be a mellower place.

Most Americans know Jon Huntsman as 'the candidate most Americans don't know.' Gov. Huntsman's announcement puts him somewhere between Ron Paul and Count Chocula as the favorite to win the GOP nomination.

To no one's surprise, on the 'Today Show' this morning, John McCain said he will not be running in 2012, or walking for that matter. He's just going to get one of those Rascal scooters and drive around.

President Obama and Speaker Boehner played golf last weekend. Obama avoided an out-of-bounds penalty tee when an errant tee shot bounced off of Oprah, who was hiding in the woods.

Al Qaeda announced that they've found a replacement for Osama bin Laden, thanks to all of you who called in and texted your votes.

Ed Stein

Jerry Holbert

From Bill Maher:

Our long national nightmare is over. Ladies and gentlemen, we got him. Anthony Weiner has resigned. That's right, he decided to take his balls and go home. And it is now safe to go back on Facebook.

I have to warn you. Newt Gingrich today put up a large Web ad. So you still may be seeing pictures of a huge dick.

Mitt Romney was sitting down with some unemployed workers the other day. Mitt is worth a quarter of a billion dollars, and he said, 'hey, I'm unemployed too.' That is the famous Mormon sense of humor. A little tip Mitt, your people are only funny when the 'South Park' guys write your jokes.

The shame would be if Democrats get thrown out of office without ever having tried Democratic policies.

New Rule: Stop comparing Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann just because they're both Republican women. And crazy. And know-nothings. And Jesus freaks, who claim to receive messages from God. Who both get their historical facts wrong all the time. Who both give off a sound that only animals can hear and makes microwaves explode. Seriously, stop comparing them.

Dana Summers

Drew Sheneman

Jerry Holbert

Henry Payne

Henry Payne

Walt Handelsman

Robert Ariail

From Jimmy Fallon:

President Obama will be in New York tomorrow night for a fundraiser at the Broadway musical 'Sister Act.' Meanwhile, Sarah Palin will be in town to do some hunting at “The Lion King.'

New York Gov. Andy Cuomo will hold a special election on Sept. 13 to replace Anthony Weiner. Cuomo said, 'anyone interested in the job should e-mail me at ... actually, you'd just better call.'

Yesterday President Obama urged more foreign countries to start investing in the U.S. economy. The president of Mexico was like, 'The people of Mexico are with you. Literally, they're already there with you.'

A recent study found that today's fathers spend twice as much time with their kids as fathers in 1960. Meanwhile, the study found that Arnold Schwarzenegger spends time with twice as many kids as he did three weeks ago.

Today bin Laden’s deputy was made head of Al Qaeda. I know because today he updated his status on LinkedIn.

President Obama and John Boehner played golf against Joe Biden on Saturday and they won $2. Just 7 trillion more rounds like this and we'll pay off that deficit in no time.

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