Friday, July 22, 2011

Funny Late Nite Jokes About Rupert Murdoch, Debt Ceiling, Politics

Rupert Murdoch - CaricatureRupert Murdoch, Image by DonkeyHotey via FlickrFrom Denny:  You can't say this summer's hot weather didn't bring with it some seriously bizarre political entertainment.  Never a dull moment the past week.  Rupert Murdoch became the news instead of creating the fictitious news and selling it as if it were the truth, the usual business of a tabloid "news" organization.

Rupert Murdoch and the News Corp Scandal

Murdoch was busy employing media consultants to come up with a strategy of how to distract Parliament while it was going badly for him when he was testifying.  No one in Britain - or the rest of the world - wanted to hear him and his son, James, whine about how they were not aware of all the wrong doing going on in their tabloid news rooms.

So, along comes a guy to throw a shaving foam pie in Murdoch's face. The public relations guys were hoping to elicit sympathy for Murdoch as the victim of a protester.  Conveniently, the Tiger Wife leapt to Murdoch's defense faster than his son or the police in Parliament.

CNN gushed on and on with admiration - and news story after news story, looking like a pack of fools - about the protective courageous Murdoch wife.  They went so far as to profile her successful rise in life from poverty. She is just as ruthless and aggressive as her husband.

Come on; how did this so-called protester get past security for the highest leaders in the nation?  That's like someone getting past layers of security in the White House.  No way would a guy carrying a pie be allowed in unless he was part of the show - or someone had been bribed.  Either way it looks bad.

What is so funny - and a bit sad - is how easily the mainstream media was fooled.  Hey, guys, you were punked by the Murdochs!  It was all a set-up.

Debt Ceiling Talks Break Down - Again

Today, President Obama again took to the sparsely reporter-populated White House news conference, late on a Friday no less, to voice his frustration with Speaker Boehner suddenly storming out of the talks.  Again, Obama thinks it's all about the practical side of the discussions and political ideology.

Let's get real.  Two scenarios are in play:  One, by refusing to come to an agreement right after the stock market closed on Friday they know, come Monday morning, the Treasury bill (bonds) prices will drop significantly.  That's when all the short stock guys like Eric Cantor and others will sell their investments.  After making a truck load of money, they will suddenly post up for the talks later in the day, uttering some weak excuse.

Two, while they are waiting to make a lot of money they can kill two birds with one stone: sweat Obama into caving in to ALL of their demands.  Obama is desperate to make this deal to the point he is giving away little old ladies social security checks.  He must be the worst negotiator in presidential history other than Jimmy Carter and Woodrow Wilson.

Did you know Obama's South Carolina2008 campaign political organizer rapidly pulled together 200, 000 people to oppose the Obama debt ceiling deal?  He said his 90-year-old grandmother cannot afford yet another decrease on her Social Security.  He - and the 200K strong who marched on Washington - are so hopping angry with Obama they have vowed NOT to help him in the 2012 election if he pushes through this debt ceiling deal.  Obama cannot afford to alienate his once loyal base, except at his peril.

By the way, according to Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT), Social Security is fully funded for the next 26 years.  Also, Social Security is not part of the debt problem.  It really should not be part of this discussion at all.  People deserve to draw on it because they have spent decades paying in to it.  The average taxpaying worker can't do much about politicians who have helped themselves to the Social Security fund for one pet project or another.

Maria Shriver's Son in Hospital

In case you didn't catch this story today, Maria Shriver's 13-year-old son was admitted to the hospital.  He was injured at the beach on his boogie board.  Maria was with him at the time.  He is in intensive care with several broken bones.  The family put out a message on Twitter to thank everyone for their prayers for his speedy healing.  Maria has been sleeping at the hospital, remaining by his side.

New Cartoonist:  Ian David Marsden

Thought I'd profile this delightfully witty and talented cartoonist for you to enjoy.  He currently lives in France.  Sign me up on that program! :)

A roundup of late-night jokes: News Corp Chairman Rupert Murdoch on the hot seat and his messy News of the World phone-hacking scandal:

The Death of the 'News of the World' Vampire

"The Death of the 'News of the World' Vampire

In starring roles: Rupert Murdoch as Dr. Van Helsing, trying to kill the monster before anybody uncovers all the other monsters he has possibly unleashed on the world. 'News of The World' as the evil vampire."  © 2011 Ian David Marsden @ MarsdenCartoons

From Conan O'Brien:

While testifying in parliament, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man a show on Fox News.

Sarah Palin's son Track and his wife are having a baby. They haven't picked a name yet, but they do know it will be a verb.

President Obama had a private meeting with the Dalai Lama. The President asked about the political situation in Tiber, and the Dalai Lama asked if it was too soon to bang Jennifer Lopez.

NASA is considering replacing the space shuttle with a space taxi. It can do everything the shuttle can do, except pick you up if you're black.

A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to their customers. The recommendation has been hailed as 'historic' by women's' groups, and as '10 years too late' by Maria Shriver.

An audio recording from five years ago has been released of Michele Bachmann predicting the end of the world. Her exact words were, 'I'm going to run for president in 2012.'

MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name.

Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby's name is 'Trump Granddaughter and Casino.'

From Jimmy Kimmel:

Rupert Murdoch said that he was embarrassed and that testifying before parliament was the most humbling day in his life. That's mostly because he spends every other day swimming in a bathtub full of money like Scrooge McDuck.

I don't think Rupert Murdoch's guilty of phone hacking. He paid $580 million for Myspace. Obviously he knows nothing about technology.

The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing.

Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don't think this is what the Republicans meant by 'closing our borders.'

The United States' soccer team lost to Japan, which means we're now losing to Japan in math, science, and penalty kicks.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy's voicemail.

The city of London has fined President Obama for the traffic he caused while visiting back in May. Which raises the question, 'Are there any countries we don't owe money to?'

A new edition of al-Qaida magazine claims that bin Laden fought a 'vicious battle' before he died. You know, if they keep writing that kind of nonsense, I might have to cancel my subscription to al-Qaida magazine.'

China's mad at President Obama for meeting with the Dalai Lama, but come on. Obama doesn't owe them anything — except like $14 trillion.

Rupert Murdoch was testifying in his phone hacking case today, and a man attacked him with a pie. Fortunately, Murdoch knew to move out of the way, because he heard about the plan on the guy's voicemail.

This weekend, the final 'Harry Potter' movie made a record-breaking $476 million worldwide. Yeah, 'Harry Potter' made so much money this weekend, President Obama just asked him for a loan.

A woman in Colorado was arrested for groping a TSA agent last week. On the bright side, today she was offered a job with the TSA.

A group of rare snow leopards has been discovered in a remote corner of Afghanistan. So I guess traveling through Afghanistan isn't as safe as you thought.

Thank you, Arnold Schwarzenegger for starring in an upcoming western 'The Last Stand.' It’ll probably be good for you to shoot some blanks for awhile.

Two Delta planes collided on the runway in Boston. The passengers are all OK, except for Delta’s $50 collision fee. The air traffic controllers were just glad they weren’t awake to see the collision.

Ohio Congressman Bill Johnson said his Twitter account was hacked yesterday after an image of a naked man was posted on his page. When the Lord taketh a Weiner he giveth a Johnson.

Spain’s running of the bulls is not nearly as scary as the U.S. event, the running of Sarah Palin.

It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger is working on a memoir. Yeah, it's apparently over 500 pages long — and that's just the dedication to his kids.

The Treasury Department is shifting from paper to electronic savings bonds next year. But don't worry — the electronic bonds will be just as worthless as the paper ones.

I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited edition baseball card. You can tell it's Bush's card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion.

A lawmaker in California is pushing for 13 counties to break away and form a new state called South California. Meanwhile, residents are pushing for a more fitting name: 'North Mexico.'

While criticizing President Obama over debt talks, John Boehner said quote, 'It takes two to tango.' Then Biden was like, 'Sure, but it only takes one to break dance.'

The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps.

On Friday, a woman in Texas gave birth to a baby boy weighing in at 16 pounds, 1 ounce. When they did the sonogram, the doctor was like, 'I'm not sure if it's a boy or a girl, but it's definitely an American.'

From Craig Ferguson:

The Murdochs testified before parliament and did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: They blamed others.

President Obama and I have a lot in common. No one laughs at our jokes and we were both born in foreign countries.

I don't remember much of the moon landing. I was only 7 years old at the time, and was busy with school work. And by 'school work,' I mean I was drunk.

The crew of Atlantis brought an iPhone into space to track their experiments. I think that by 'track their experiments,' they mean 'play Angry Birds.'

I don’t think Rupert Murdoch was personally involved in the phone hacking. He’s 80 years old. Old people don’t know how to hack a cell phone. Old people don't know how to use a cell phone. That’s why you see them shuffling down the street talking into an old slipper. 'This call smells like feet!'

Is it any surprise that the British law enforcement can't stop the high-tech phone hackers? They can't even stop a guy walking into Parliament with a pie.

I think it's cowardly to attack an 80–year–old man with a pie. If the attacker had any courage, he'd go after Murdoch like I do: in the middle of the night from 5,000 miles away.

It was so hot in Washington that Congress had to install a fan on the debt ceiling.

It's so hot that I saw Rupert Murdoch trying to hack his way into a Cold Stone Creamery.

Ann Coulter canceled her appearance on Piers Morgan’s show at the last minute and now she’s banned her for life. I know, I was also like, 'I don’t care.'
It’s so tough to get tickets for the new 'Harry Potter' movie that Rupert Murdoch had to hack into MovieFone.

relacing monster cartoon art by ian marsden

Cartoon monster by Ian David Marsden @ flickr - kind of reminds you of how a tabloid media mogul would look: Rupert Murdoch

From Jay Leno:

Rupert Murdoch is 80, his wife is 42. 80 and 42, that's like halftime at a Cleveland Cavaliers game, isn't it? Please.

Rupert Murdoch testified today before the House of Commons. He said he was not responsible for the phone hacking scandal. Did you hear his defense? He said he's got AT&T so he can barely listen to anybody.

Rupert Murdoch said yesterday at the House of Commons that he was shocked, appalled, and ashamed. So apparently he watches Fox News, too.

A Harvard University ethics student was caught hacking into MIT's computer network. When he heard about it, Rupert Murdoch said, 'Hire that kid on the spot.'

Here is your federal government at work – the FAA has ordered a helicopter pilot who runs his own one-pilot charter company. It's his company, he's the only pilot. They've ordered him to give himself random surprise drug tests. He has to surprise himself with a drug test. They only way you can do that is if you are on drugs.

President Obama's 50th birthday is coming up in a couple weeks. If you're thinking of getting him something, he could use $14 trillion.

Man, what a heat wave we are having right now, especially in the Midwest. People are sweating like Rupert Murdoch trying to explain his phone bill.
Rupert Murdoch testified today before the House of Commons. He said he was not responsible for the phone hacking scandal. Did you hear his defense? He said he's got AT&T so he can barely listen to anybody.

Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably for Mitt Romney.

There's talk of splitting California into two different states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought.
Last week in an interview with ABC News President Obama said he will turn 50 this week, but the truth is he turns 50 on August 4th. Do you know what that means? Apparently even he hasn't seen his real birth certificate.

So what happened to Carmageddon? What was that? The L.A. freeways had less traffic this weekend than Newt Gingrich's campaign website. Nothing.
The President met with the Dalai Lama over the weekend. The Dalai Lama told Obama about the difficulty of being under China's thumb. To which Obama said, 'Tell me about it.'

Former News Corp Chief Executive Rebekah Brooks was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of illegal wire tapping and bribing police officers for information. I don't think she gets it. She asked the arresting officer, 'How much is it going to take to make this go away?'

Ironically while she was in jail she was surrounded by less criminals than when she was working for News Corp. That's the amazing thing.

There’s a move to divide California into two states: the state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy. The problem is coming up with a new name for Southern California since 'New Mexico' is already taken.
President Obama is starting to get tough. He said he's reached his limit and he will not give in on his debt ceiling position even if it costs him his presidency. Well, that should make the Republicans fold. 'We've got to save Obama's presidency.'

According to a new Gallop poll, if the election were held tomorrow a no name Republican would beat President Obama. Today Tim Pawlenty said, 'A no-name Republican? That's me. I could win! I'm the new President?'

In last night's 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game the Democrats beat the Republicans 8-2. Both parties say these games are important because it shows the American people that they can really get along and accomplish something when it's meaningless.

According to a new poll, U.S. popularity in the Middle East is at an all-time low. How could it be lower than before, when it was 'Death to America?'

In the last month, President Obama's re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more.

Starting next year, all U.S. savings bonds will be electronic rather than printed. So they'll be paperless, as well as valueless, useless, and worthless.
According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 percent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they're called 'philosophy majors.'

We're getting closer and closer to the country going into default. We could be out of money by August 2nd. How many people are surprised by that? How many people are surprised we still have enough money to make it until August 2nd?
President Obama ordered Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner to take what little money we have left and buy lottery tickets. I don't think that ever works.

Scientists say life on Earth is wiped out every 27 million years, and we have 16 million years left. So we’re all going to die just when we finally get our debt paid off.

A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million.

You know the woman in Texas who gave birth to a 16-pound baby boy? Turns out if was a hoax. It wasn’t a baby at all. It was a Mexican trying to sneak into the country.

Michele Bachmann signed pledge in Iowa recently about protecting marriage, but it also said stuff about black children having it better when they were raised during slavery. Now her campaign is saying that while, yes, she did sign the pledge, she didn't read it first. And had she read it, she never would have signed it in the first place. Well, thank God presidents don't have to sign anything so important they have to read it first.

Michele Bachmann and her husband run this institution where they try to 'pray away the gay.' They want gay guys to think outside the bun.

Rupert Murdoch and his New of the World newspaper are in trouble for hacking into the phone call records of thousands of people. The law is pretty clear, if you want to try and snoop on people without them knowing about it, you have to be either Google or Apple. You can't be a newspaper.

It was so hot in the United Kingdom that Rupert Murdoch was hacking into the phone calls of Eskimos.

The royal couple has left Los Angeles after a short visit. It's the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left.

The FBI is investigating after a stun gun was found on a flight to Newark, New Jersey. They think a passenger planned to use the stun gun on himself when he realized he was on a flight to Newark, New Jersey.

Hitler's birthplace in Austria has revoked his honorary citizenship. Talk about a rush to judgment.

The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt.
President Obama's staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.
A right wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouse. Didn't we take this pledge? It's called the 'Marriage Vow.' Is that not good enough anymore, we have to take it again?

Here is a truly frightening story; they are now saying that Al Qaeda had plans to use women as human bombs on airplanes. Did you hear about this? They are saying that they could put bombs inside women's breast implants. Do you know what that means? Hooters could be a terrorist training camp.
Democrats warned that if the debt ceiling isn't raised, the government would cease to function. How would you be able to tell?

You know what the scary part is? Not that the government will cease to function, that they think this is actually the government functioning. They think it is working well.

The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they'll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee.

lost pilot in plane with map

Lost pilot in a plane with a map, cartoon by Ian David Marsden @ flickr - kind of reminds you of Congress and the President locked in the debt ceiling talks: they keep going in circles, never arriving at their destination.

From David Letterman:

Michele Bachmann suffers from crippling migraine headaches. That's what happens when you don't get a little pornography every now and then.

Gay marriage will now be legal in New York. Paul and I are very happy.

"Top Ten Thoughts Going Through Rupert Murdoch's Mind During the Pie Attack"

10 "Hey, free pie!"
9 "This would have made a great cover for 'News of the World'"
8 "How did he get past the pie detector?"
7 "A pie fight in Parliament — what is this, Benny Hill?"
6 "Duh, winning?"
5 "I was Punk'd — wait is Punk'd still on the air? Who writes this stuff?"
4 "Mmmm tasty"
3 "You know what was funny — remember that smoking baby?"
2 "Don't pie me, bro!"
1 "It's the same guy who broke into Letterman's theater"

Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate.

It was so hot Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann was fanning herself with pornography. So hot Charlie Sheen was snorting actual snow.

Top Ten Surprising Facts About the Moon Landing
10. Was filmed on the same soundstage where they shot 'Green Acres'
9. Due to mapping error, initially landed in Moon Valley, Wisconsin
8. They returned to the moon a week later because one of the astronauts dropped his car keys
7. The astronauts each earned 2 million frequent flyer miles
6. Buzz Aldrin stuffed his space suit to make himself look bigger
5. Crew came to blows over who finished the freeze-dried lasagna
4. Astronauts were charged extra for not returning the capsule with a full tank of gas
3. Landed within 50 feet of a Starbucks
2. President Nixon missed the landing because he was watching 'Ironside'
1. Neil Armstrong was also the first man on Mrs. Armstrong

Mitt Romney is so boring, he introduced his own fragrance called 'Unscented.'

It's Bastille Day, which is the day that Paul Revere rode through Paris warning the French.

It looks like we'll begin to pay our debt to China. Last week, we returned Yao Ming. And what about his brother Wyo Ming.

New York has legalized gay marriage, and if you brought a gift for Paul and myself, just leave it in the lobby. Utah will never approve gay marriage, but they do allow a man to marry a woman with a slight mustache.

It's so hot that instead of tapping phones, Rupert Murdoch has been tapping kegs.

It's so hot that even Michele Bachmann believes in global warming.

Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they're absolutely certain they will get nothing done.

"Top Ten Signs the United States Is Running Out of Money"
10. For $10,000, you get your face on the dollar
9. The White House now has a two-drink minimum
8. There's a listing on eBay for North Dakota
7. Barack Obama sold his Nobel Prize to 'Cash4Gold'
6. Americans now attempting to sneak into Mexico
5. Renting Biden's house to backpacking German tourists
4. Costs $25 for each bag the president wants to check on Air Force One
3. John Boehner getting paid in beach bum tanning gift cards
2. Country is moving in with England until we get back on our feet
1. Applied for a $40 billion loan from Oprah

Michele Bachmann says that if she's elected, she'll ban pornography. We have multiple wars, skyrocketing debts, a recession, unemployment . . . Yeah, let's ban pornography.
Bachmann says she wants to end things that are 'vulgar and a detriment to society.' She's talking about me, right?

It's 95 and miserable today, like Rupert Murdoch. I think you folks should know the air conditioning is hooked up to the applause sign.
Eliot Spitzer's show on CNN was canceled. So you wonder, how will the guy kill an hour?

From Bill Maher:
I understand the Republican’s frustration. They came in pretending to negotiate. The least Obama could do would be to pretend to listen. – Bill Maher, on the debt ceiling talks

We are having in this country, America, supposedly a first world nation, an argument about whether we should pay our bills. And the Republicans – the conservative party – says no. Paying bills is for squares, man. That whole 'money' thing is a trap. Their economic plan is like, we're hitchhiking to a Phish concert, and if we get a ride from a trucker and he asks us to chip in for gas, we'll just give him a hand job.

I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.

New Rule: Now that the social network 'Google +' has arrived expressly to try and destroy Facebook and Twitter the way Facebook and Twitter blew away MySpace right after MySpace obliterated Friendster the Internet must admit that it doesn't really understand the concept of 'friendship.'

Everybody needs to just calm down (about Carmageddon). They're fixing a stretch of the roadway. It's an unpleasant bit of business that we have to get through – sort of like the way Michele Bachmann's husband thinks about sex with his wife.

Republicans have to stop thinking up intricate psychological explanations for liberals don't like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. Let me save you all some time. Are you ready? Because they’re crazy people. People who are not that bright and full of awful ideas. Pretty much the same exact reasons we didn’t care about George W. Bush, and make jokes about him. So trust me, it's not because they have breasts. It’s because they are boobs.

And when I point out that Sarah Palin is a vainglorious braggart, a liar, a whiner, a professional victim…a know it all, a chiseler, a bully who sells patriotism like a pimp, and the leader of a strange family of inbred weirdoes straight out of The Hills Have Eyes, that’s not sexist. I’m saying it because it’s true, not because it’s true of a woman.

Michele Bachmann proudly tells the story of how she has no desire to become a tax lawyer, but her husband commanded her to. That’s right, he commanded her to become a tax lawyer, and what are you going to do. It says so right in the bible. She quotes it, ‘wives you are to be submissive to your husbands,’ and I’m the sexist?

That’s weird, but you know what’s really weird? Michele Bachmann tells her husband I’ll do anything you want me to do, and his response isn’t let’s have a three way or I want to cover you in Cool Whip. It’s I want you to be a tax lawyer. That is some sick twisted sh*t.

In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. Visibility in Arizona they said was so bad that police were hassling white people.

I was sure that the Republican plan to fix the economy by defaulting on the national debt would work, but apparently it didn't. The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann.

People are mad. There's a lot of soul-searching going on after the Casey Anthony verdict. Florida is looking into the jury selection process, their legislatures are reviewing laws, and CNN is considering whether Nancy Grace should be replaced by an actual glassy-eyed vulture.

Obama had a town hall on Twitter, and he took questions, the first time this ever happened. It went smoothly aft first, then of course came snarky questions from Republicans, and then the last four were just pictures of Anthony Weiner's penis.

If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you're a dumbass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you're a Republican.

Yes, Republican base, you are just like that jury. It is pathetically clear who’s killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder. – Bill Maher, comparing Republicans to the Casey Anthony jury
New Rule: You can't be a country that celebrates its birthday with a gluttonous hotdog binge and pyrotechnics and then not offer universal healthcare. On the 4th of July, a man named Joey Chestnut gobbled down 62 wieners - just beating the old record set by George Michael - and at least 8,000 people that day went to the emergency room with fireworks-related injuries. Holding the 4th of July and not providing the inevitably needed healthcare is like holding Oktoberfest and not providing Port-O-Potties.

New Rule: If your dad was on OJ's legal dream team, you can't Tweet your disappointment over the Casey Anthony verdict. It's like Tricia Nixon bitching about presidential corruption. And remember, your father started a proud Kardashian tradition: getting black men off.

The very first Cartoon Editor

The very first cartoon editor, cartoon by Ian David Marsden @ flickr and @ MarsdenCartoons - this is what the American public would like to do to all of Congress considering how the economy has tanked with millions of jobs sent overseas and no end in sight as to how many more jobs will be lost.

From Jon Stewart:

Republicans are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'

‎If the conversation continues this way, we could very well hit the national bulls**t ceiling. – Daily Show correspondents Jason Jones, on the debt ceiling negotiations

IIf Social Security checks don't go out on August 3, it's just old people. You know how they are. They're just gonna blow that money on medicine and hips.

Is he teaching people not to be gay or is he like the 'Green Mile' guy and just absorbing it all? – Jon Stewart on Michele Bachmann's husband, Marcus Bachmann

He’s so gay he calls 'Top Gun' 'that volleyball movie.' – Jon Stewart, struggling to repress the urge to crack gay jokes about Michele Bachmann's husband, Marcus Bachmann

Of course I’d like to say Dr. Marcus Bachmann buys Brawny paper towels for the packaging, or he's so gay Richard Simmons tells him to tone it down.' – Jerry Seinfeld, playing Jon Stewart's Comedy Repression Therapist during a cameo on The Daily Show

We're three weeks from having to park our car down the street so China can't find it, and Congress is refighting fluorescent v. incandescent light bulbs.

‎It's not, 'All right, let's all chip in and we'll buy a keg for the big party.' It's, 'Buy me a keg and I won't burn your f**kin' house down.' – Jon Stewart on Republicans' approach to compromise during debt negotiations

Republicans are job creationists. We know the rich create jobs. Democrats believe that jobs just EVOLVE from millions of years of stimulus packages. – Daily Show senior debt correspondent Wyatt Cenac

From Stephen Colbert:

I say, if the founding fathers didn't want money in politics, why did they put their faces on our money?

If Congress doesn't authorize borrowing more money it could destroy our debt rating, and then China would back a tow truck up to Kansas and drag it off to Guangdong Province.

Will we default on our debt, and will Canada let us crash on their couch for awhile?

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