Tuesday, March 24, 2015

2016: Funny Jokes About Hypocrite Ted Cruz Running for President

Check out the 2 new updates at the end of the post! From Denny:  Ted Cruz.  Just the sound of his name makes most people cringe - like screeching nails on a chalkboard.  But he's definitely political theatre.  He's wonderfully entertaining as you watch Republicans gnash their teeth in agitation and fear.  Democrats find him hilariously funny.  Independents, well, we do a whole lot of eye rolling at our house every time he shows up on the news.  Of course, the news networks are talking him up in the hopes his campaign will spend lots of money on political ads for him. Cha ching!

And, then, the next "of course" is that the journalists and talk show hosts were quietly told to never mention that Cruz is simply not eligible to get into the White House because he was not born on American soil - or a U. S. military base - even a U. S. embassy...

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But hey! Democrats are laughing so hard they are falling off their chairs, hoping he stays in the 2016 game, needling and annoying Bush strategist Karl Rove and the other 19 Republican candidates in the 2016 GOP Clown Car.  And the meme folks are already geared up and enjoying a fine time, dining on Ted Cruz regularly.

How this guy figures he could possibly get elected is sheer fantasy.  He opposes a woman's right to choose when it comes to abortion.  Guess he's part of the "just keep an aspirin between your knees, honey, if you want to avoid pregnancy."  (Quoting yet another infamous Senator Akin of Missouri with peculiar ideas and beliefs.)  

Cruz doesn't like the idea of every person in this country to be deserving of good health care.  Why would any politician want that awful idea on his platform when he was running for President?  Did I mention Cruz hates immigrants?  Of course, his parents were immigrants to Canada.  Does that mean he hates his parents?  Sure looks like it when you use his Tea Party style of logic.  The Comedy Gods could not write better copy than this guy delivers on a daily basis.

This is the same guy made famous for shutting down the U. S. government, denying pay to military on duty overseas in combat zones among other delights.  Did you enjoy Cruz's "Green Eggs and Ham" read while he filibustered?  And, as taxpayers, we actually paid him to do that stunt.  Dr. Seuss would be horrified his fun children's tale was so abused for self-aggrandizement.

My favorite Ted Cruz declaration is that "God told him to run for President, and, his father agrees God said it."  Well, since God and I enjoy a most interesting relationship, where I can literally ask Him anything, you know I just had to ask.  After all, when a person declares "God told them to do something" it's actually Biblical to get someone else not your BFF (or campaign manager) to ask God for confirmation that what was declared is actually true.

Not wasting any time: "Hey, God, did you really direct Ted Cruz to run for President?" I inquired.  Some people just have to know everything no matter how trivial.

Take note: there was serious eye rolling from Heaven.  And God replied, "Does that sound like something I would do?"

"Well, come to think of it, Sir, no, it doesn't sound like you - unless, of course, you have a mysterious agenda that will propel Hillary Clinton into the White House with ease."

God:  "I rest my case.  And, Denny, please stop with the stupid questions."

Risking lightning bolts came my cheeky reply, "What would be the fun in that?"  I enjoy dodging rain drops, so what's a few lightning bolts every now and then?

Yes, I'm still in one piece and here to write the tale.  I never cease to be amazed at how much God tolerates me most days.  He is such a nice Man.  You might not want to stand too close to me though; one day God might decide I'm "nuclear" just like the Republican Party regards Ted Cruz.

Enjoy the late night jokes and memes!

Update:  #TedCruzCampaignSlogans where the Twitterverse is enjoying his presidential bid!

Update:  Oh, the Comedy Gods just keep on giving.  Are you ready?  The day after Cruz announced his presidential bid he signed up for the same ObamaCare he is against.  That's right.  Why?  His wife left Goldman Sachs to join his campaign and he found himself without a serious health plan.  Oh, well, when you are a raging hypocrite you might as well join President Obama.  What a putz.

Another insult to the American taxpayer?  After paying our House and Senate reps a good $168 to $200K annually for part time work, they also are eligible to receive subsidies for their health care plans.  These guys don't need any subsidies for anything.  What a crock of BS.  These reps receive money for speeches and money under the table - called "bribes" - and practice insider trading to make themselves quite wealthy in a mere 18 months like Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal did when he was a House rep.

TED CRUZ JOKES - OK, Ted Cruz IS the joke!

From Conan O'Brien:

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.

President Obama said the day after the budget deal is made he's going to concentrate on immigration. He says he'll start by deporting Ted Cruz.

Senator Ted Cruz announced he's donating his paycheck during the shutdown to charity. Well, the charity is called Ted Cruz for President.

Hispanic Senator Ted Cruz, who is fighting the immigration bill, described himself as Obama-phobic. You know you have Obama phobia if you'll deport immigrants even though your last name is Cruz.

Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.

Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport.

People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.

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From Bill Maher:

Ted Cruz, of course, was furious that the big storm back east shut down the government. He said, 'That my job!' But you know, there is a big difference between Ted Cruz and snow. Both are white and everyone’s sick of them – but eventually snow goes away.

There were some people heckling Ted Cruz, and he accused them of being paid political operatives helping President Obama. Ted, don't you get it, you're the paid political operative helping President Obama.

Ted Cruz reminds me of Miley Cyrus because he is not afraid to incur the wrath of even some of his fans for the greater good of drawing attention to himself. I really think a filibuster is the political version of 'twerking.'

We are actually headed toward a government shutdown, but if that's what it takes to get Ted Cruz off my TV, I am all for it.

Ted Cruz talked for 21 hours in a fake filibuster, or as I call it, the vagina monologue. 21 hours? I kept saying, 'Where is Kanye West when you need him?'

This Ted Cruz guy, he incurred the wrath of his own party. They don't like him. Democrats hate him. Independents hate him. Republicans hate him. Even Miley Cyrus - he's the one guy she refuses to lick.

The leader in this movement to defund Obamacare is Ted Cruz, the senator from Texas. He said, 'I will do anything and everything possible to defund Obamacare.' Really, how about lighting yourself on fire?

Ted Cruz is half Canadian and half Cuban. The wit of Justin Bieber combined with the people skills of Scarface.

From Seth Meyers: 

Senator Ted Cruz was born in Canada, so while we were worried about Iran, China, and North Korea, a Canadian shut down the U.S. Government. Well played, Canada.

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz gave a 21-hour speech on the floor of the Senate during which he read Dr. Seuss' 'Green Eggs and Ham,' did an impression of Darth Vader, and admitted his love for White Castle. I'm not sure what Cruz's speech was arguing for, but I'm guessing legalizing weed.

Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says 'Ted Cruz 2016,' those aren't election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is.

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From Jimmy Kimmel:

After 16 days the government shutdown is over. Right now a devastated Ted Cruz is filibustering a squirrel on the lawn of the Capitol building.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz had quite a day yesterday. To protest a government bill that would fund Obamacare, he decided to take the floor of the Senate and keep speaking until he was no longer able to stand – at which point he would collapse, be taken to the hospital and be treated for exhaustion by Obamacare.

Announcing your candidacy before everyone else does is kind of like being the first celebrity to show up on the red carpet at the Oscars. It's not a great thing.

From David Letterman:

How about that senator from Texas, Ted Cruz. He gets a hold of the microphone on the floor of the Senate and he starts yakking for 21 hours. I'm telling you, that government shutdown certainly looks pretty good now, doesn't it?

At one point Ted Cruz takes out 'Green Eggs and Ham.' He reads a kiddy book. The message he was sending there, I think, is that Obamacare will only cover visits to Dr. Seuss.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?

Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before…

The first known candidate to enter the presidential race in 2016 is Texas Senator Ted Cruz.

From Jon Stewart:

So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go to the book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he’s tried it, and when he finally gets a taste, he has to admit after he’s tasted it, 'This is pretty f**king good.' – Jon Stewart on Sen. Ted Cruz reading Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" on the Senate floor

Well, that's easy for you to take that kind of physical risk – you've got government health care. – Jon Stewart on Ted Cruz speaking for 21 hours

From Jay Leno:

Texas Senator Ted Cruz began a filibuster on the Senate floor. He's trying to stop Obamacare and he vowed to keep speaking until he is no longer able to stand. And the good news: If he collapses from exhaustion he'll be covered under Obamacare.

From Jimmy Fallon:

Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, 'I'm gonna run anyway.'

Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival 

is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.

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