Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Libya War: Funny Late Nite Jokes Roundup

The leader de facto of Libya, Muammar al-Gaddafi.Image via Wikipedia

From Denny: Check out what the comedians lampoon about The Peace President, Obama, going into Libya. Boy, I tell ya, a guy tries to help out some desperate people in a foreign country from getting slaughtered and all he gets is flak from the Republicans and comedians.

Of course, like so many sticky political situations, it's all about The Ego. The mostly male media ratchets up The Ego Meter by declaring Prez Obama is a wimp if he doesn't succeed at deposing Gadafi now that he's declared, "Gadafi must go!" So, suddenly out come The Big Guns: the CIA operatives magicly appear in Libya "advising" the rebel forces. Read that as, "These guys are so clueless the only way to keep them alive is knock some sense into them and show them how to win."

Meanwhile, it's a great opportunity for the paramilitary intelligence community to take apart the military apparatus Gadafi has built up over 40 years. My warning to The New CIA under Panetta: "Be careful what you teach these guys and try not to arm them at all, especially with American technology. We don't need to end up with yet another Afghanistan in a few years, chock full of terrorists and crazies, starting The Idiot Cycle all over again for yet another generation."

Funny Videos Featured:

Funny Videos: Jon Stewart At Not War, Obama Defends Libya War

Funny Video: Stephen Colbert: Turd Sandwich in Libya

Chan Lowe

From Jay Leno:

We're down to the final four now. Only four Middle East countries we haven't attacked.

President Obama spoke about our role in Libya. He's not sure when the war will end, what happens when we win, or how much it will cost, but other than that it was quite informative.

Obama is being criticized by both parties for not having a clear strategy to get out of Libya. But neither does Moammar Gadhafi, so it's OK.

Congress is mad at President Obama because he didn't consult them before the war in Libya. Congress got us into two other wars and put us 14 trillion dollars in debt. I can't imagine why he didn't consult them.

President Obama addressed the nation on Libya. This changes his previous policy on Libya, which was, 'don't ask, don't tell.'

Instead of calling our mission in Libya a war, the White House is calling it a 'kinetic military action,' which sounds better than 'potentially endless quagmire.'

Moammar Gadhafi says of the no-fly zone, 'In the short term we will beat them, and in the long term we will beat them.' Which is Libyan for 'Bring it. Winning. Bring it. Winning.'

For Lent, some people give up meat, and some people give up drinking. President Obama gave up conferring with Congress.

Dennis Kucinich wants to impeach President Obama over Libya. There's a very good case against impeachment. It's called 'Joe Biden.'

Seventeen days after Newt Gingrich insisted President Obama should establish a no-fly zone over Libya, he's complaining that Obama established a no-fly zone over Libya. It’s the same as Newt's policy on adultery. He can’t make up his mind.

House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where you don't have to do that.

It's one humiliation after another for Moammar Gadhafi. First his own people started rising up against him, then his compound was bombed, and now he's getting beaten up by the French.

The Pentagon says that U.S. operations in Libya are limited and have a definite end date. I don't believe that. We still have troops in Germany.

Did you see the footage of French planes bombing Libya? The planes look brand new, like they've never been used before.

Germany has pulled its forces out of NATO over Libya. When the Germans don't want to fight and the French do, the whole world is upside down.

We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.

According to Newsweek, 73 percent of Americans can't say why we fought the Cold War. This sounds bad until you consider that no one in the White House can tell us why we're fighting the Libya war.

We know more about President Obama's basketball picks than his plans for Libya.

Remember when President Obama said we can’t fight two wars and vowed to change our policy? Well, he did. Now we’re fighting three wars.

Obama said we will send economic aid to Libya to help the Libyan people reach their dreams. And if that works, they’ll try it here.

President Obama told Americans not to worry about the radiation from Japan — as he left for South America.

They said on the news today 10,000 to 15,000 people each day are coming across the border from Libya into Egypt. Or as we call it in California, a 'trickle.'

The situation is deteriorating in Libya and Japan and the stock market is collapsing worldwide. President Obama finally took decisive action. He named Duke, Kansas, Ohio State and Pittsburgh as his Final Four.

Ed Stein

Surprisingly, March Madness is not that big in the Middle East. Because they have April Madness, May Madness, June Madness, and more.

Al-Qaida has now launched a woman's magazine that will have everything from fashion to terror advice. Unfortunately, women are not allowed to read it.

Today is the Ides of March, the day on which in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by 60 Roman Senators. That could never happen today. We can't get 60 Senators to agree on anything.

Gov. Scott Walker's dispute with Wisconsin's labor unions is making him unpopular with his constituents, who feel like he's attacking his own people. That's not good, because the only other guy doing that right now is Moammar Gadhafi.

Jessica Simpson’s various product lines are expected to gross over a billion dollars this year. How embarrassing is this for President Obama, that Jessica Simpson has a better business plan than he does?

On a rambling call to a TV station, Gadhafi ranted about his enemies and blamed others for his problems. He said he feels fine and is ready to go back to work. He's now the Charlie Sheen of Libya.

The latest rumor is that Moammar Gadhafi is calling other countries to find a place to live in exile. So far, only Chile has offered to rent out an empty mine.

Moammar Gadhafi said that Libyan protesters were all on drugs, and then he blamed it on Al Qaeda. Now, he's saying it's the fault of the teachers unions.

Gas is so expensive now that BP actually started inspecting their oil rigs.

The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.

Economists say that with all this unrest, gas prices could rise to $5 a gallon. The good news is that instead of this money going to ruthless America-hating dictators, it will go to ruthless America-hating democracies.

The king of Saudi Arabia announced that he is giving his people $37 billion in subsidies and payments. It's not a stimulus package, it's a 'don't overthrow me' package.

Gadhafi said he will fight the protestors until the end and he will die as a martyr. The protestors responded by saying, 'Deal.'

Ed Stein

From Jimmy Fallon:

President Obama's speech on Libya was scheduled early so it wouldn't interrupt 'Dancing With the Stars.' That's ridiculous. This is a major historical event that affects the lives of millions of people. I can't believe it was almost interrupted by Obama's speech.

The latest episode of 'Dancing With the Stars' was preceded by Obama's new show, 'Dancing Around the Objectives in Libya.'

Critics were saying Obama seemed defensive and slightly angry during his speech on Libya. Sounds like somebody's March Madness bracket isn't doing so hot.

President Obama said the United States has clear and focused goals in Libya. He said he would share those goals with us as soon as Hillary shares them with him.

A reporter in Florida claimed he was locked in a closet by Joe Biden’s staff to keep him from talking to people at an event. It wouldn’t have been so bad if Biden hadn’t been locked in there too for the same reason.

There are reports coming out that Moammar Gadhafi got hair plugs and face injections 16 years ago. So that’s why he looks so good.

President Obama had to use another door to get into the White House yesterday after he got home and the entrance to the Oval Office was locked. When he couldn't get in, Obama said 'Holy cow, is it 2012 already?'

President Obama is cutting his trip to Latin America short by a few hours because of the situation in Libya. So to everyone who said Obama didn't care about Libya, you're wrong. He cares three hours worth.

Hillary Clinton said that Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi is engaged in 'theater.' Which explains the new strategy to defeat him: casting him as the lead in 'Spider-Man: the Musical.'

Everyone is focused on March Madness but there haven't been any games in a few days. It's been so boring that President Obama has decided to focus on the situations in Libya and Japan.

Moammar Gadhafi is said to be hanging out in a series of underground tunnels. That's basically admitting you're evil.

President Obama is facing criticism for going on ESPN to pick his NCAA brackets when there are more important issues on his agenda. When he heard this, Obama said, 'Wait . . . Was today my fantasy baseball draft?'

Al Qaeda has launched its own womens magazine. I bought a copy, and I tell you right now, those ankles are totally airbrushed.

Hillary Clinton visited Egypt today for the first time since the uprising. When asked why she went, Bill Clinton said, "Believe me, if anyone can stop an uprising, it's Hillary.

Washington, D.C. is the most socially networked city in the country, which is why you could hear in the Senate today, “All in favor vote 'like.'

Nick Anderson

From Stephen Colbert:

Gaddafi has turned on his own people. He’s become so unpopular that even his face is running away from him.

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.

In Libya this could be the end for strongman and exhausted Lionel Ritchie impersonator Moammar Khadafy. With any luck we’ll get to see citizens storm the Palace and Moammar’s posse of 40 to 50 female bodyguards defend him. That news footage will be golden. The menacing click-clack of razor-sharp 5-inch stiletto heels. Choreographed waves of 6-foot amazons spin-kicking protesters in the jaw. It’ll be like a Janet Jackson video.

From Craig Ferguson:

All these regimes are toppling, and today the King of Saudi Arabia announced a $37 billion handout to his people, and I thought, 'Now there’s a coincidence.'

Moammar Gadhafi has promised to die defending his regime. He's the kind of guy that has a bad idea and just sticks with it.

Gadhafi was rambling on military TV and no one was paying attention. Now he's crossed the line, because that's my thing.

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has said Gadhafi has gone too far. That's like an Australian bartender telling you that you've had too much to drink.

In 50 years, gas-powered cars will be antiquated. You'll only see them in museums, or in Jay Leno's garage.

Dana Summers

From Lewis Black:

Finally, a leader that talks to other countries the way they deserve -- like a bookie from Staten Island.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

From Jon Stewart:

You got your f**kin’ bombs! What more do you need?! - on right-wing criticism of Obama’s actions in Libya

We're at war? Again? Don't we already have two? Wars aren't like kids, where you don't have to worry about the youngest one because the other two will take care of it.

And aren’t we out of money? You can’t simultaneously fire teachers and Tomahawk missiles.

And by the way, Odyssey Dawn? You’re really going to name a combat operation after a Yes album?

Dana Summers

From David Letterman:

Moammar Gadhafi has been described as a maniacal despot clinging to power. Wait a minute, that's me.

The Pentagon says we'll be out of Libya in a couple of weeks. Let me translate that: 10-year quagmire.

About Libya, President Obama says we're staying for a short time and then leaving. That's what my relatives always say.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce Moammar Gadhafi "

10. Mallomar Cookie
9. Milli Vanilli
8. Grande No-Foam Latte
7. Live! with Regis and Kelly
6. Lady QaQa
5. Mumizzle Qadizzle
4. Mouthful of Taffy
3. Kathy Mavrikakis
2. Gadhaffy Duck
1. Qarmelo Anthony

Obama was in South America and when he came back to the White House, he was locked out of the Oval Office. That's like the eight years of the Bush administration.

We now have wars in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya. They call it a 'theater' of war but this is a multiplex.

The Pentagon held a press-conference about the military operation in Libya. They are calling it Odyssey Dawn. I believe it's the first military operation named after a stripper.

Al-Qaida is now publishing a magazine for women. They already have one for men, called 'Car Bomb and Driver.'

Moammar Gadhafi is starting to sound a little crazy. Al-Jazeera canceled his show, 'Two and a Half Shiites.'

Gadhafi said his people 'love him.' I think that's what he said. It was hard to hear over the rebel gunfire.

People in Libya want Moammar Gadhafi to leave. The problem is, he'll be replaced by his idiot son, Moammar W. Gadhafi.

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in Moammar Gadhafi's First United States Interview"

10. Neither he nor Christiane Amanpour could pronounce each other's names
9. Asked for Lady Gaga's cell number
8. Condemned the Academy for not giving Best Actor Oscar to Jesse Eisenberg
7. Wanted to plug his latest project: 'Big Moammar's House'
6. Left early to attend Justin Bieber's 17th birthday party
5. Kept stopping to phone Mike Fancesca at WFAN
4. Explained how to do a hassle-free home perm
3. The freestyle rapping
2. Livid he wasn't chosen for next season of 'Dancing With the Stars'
1. Claimed to be a 'rock star from Mars riding a Mercury surfboard'

Chip Bok

From Bill Maher:

For once, we’re not coming off as the big swinging dicks who are going to tell everyone else what to do. We’re trying to get results without incurring all the costs and all the bad will; or as Fox News calls it, 'reckless.' – on the U.S. handling of Libya

The Libyan rebels this week kind of hinted to the United States that they could use a little help. Right. Like, America would just blunder around the Middle East killing people without all the facts. That doesn't sound like the America I know.

I don't think Khadafi gets it, because half the country is in rebel hands, his military is defecting and he's being tried at the International Criminal Court. Somebody asked him today what he's doing. He said, 'Duh, winning!'

Chip Bok

From Jimmy Kimmel:

President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult.

Obama wanted to update the American people on Libya but unless Snooki is going to Libya, the American people don't care.

President Obama returned home from Latin America but the door to the Oval Office was locked when he arrived. Now the U.S. is at war with a door.

President Obama returned from South America and found the White House door locked. The NFL players are locked out. President Obama is locked out. When Black History Month is over, it’s really over.

Charlie Sheen is still a big story because, honestly, none of us know where Libya is.

President Obama has to cut his trip to Latin America short because of the situation in Libya — and to check on his NCAA brackets.

No one can agree on how to spell Gadhafi's name. He's like the Hanukkah of dictators.

President Obama is doing business in Latin America this week. I guess regular America isn't good enough for him anymore.

President Obama is in Chile. The President of Chile said Michelle Obama is very good looking, and Obama said the same thing about the Chilean President’s wife. I’m not sure this is the kind of trade agreement he went there to negotiate.

Charlie's two sons are now in the care of their mother in a safer place: Libya.

Robert Ariail

From Conan O'Brien:

President Obama gave a speech about Libya last night. The title of the speech? "No, I Wasn't Born There.

According to reports, Khadafy is surrounded by an elite corps of female bodyguards, all of whom are virgins. In a related story, today Charlie Sheen invaded Libya.

The name of the U.S. operation in Libya is 'Odyssey Dawn.' It's the first military action to be named by Crabtree & Evelyn.

When the Obamas were in Chile their President said, 'I think the First Lady of the United States is very good-looking.' So now we're at war with Chile. Operation Lavender Mist.

A problem for our military in Libya is that they can't tell the rebels from Gadhafi's military. The U.N. has now declared that the war be fought as 'shirts vs. skins.'

The strikes on Libya are costing $100 million. Or, in Moammar Gadhafi terms, five Beyonce concerts.

Protests continue in Libya. It was reported that most of the protests are being organized on a dating website, which explains why half the protest signs say 'No Gadhafi' and the other half say 'No fatties.'

Moammar Gadhafi gave a rambling speech that lasted nearly three hours. So now we know where all of Charlie Sheen's cocaine went.

The Middle East has their own Charlie Sheen right now: Moammar Gadhafi.

They're saying Gadhafi is 'disconnected from reality.' According to the State Department, Gadhafi thought this year's Oscars were fantastic.

People complained that the Oscars were too dull. They’ve already named the hosts for next year: Charlie Sheen and Moammar Gadhafi.

Robert Ariail

Moammar Gadhafi is blaming Osama bin Laden for all of Libya's troubles. It's going to be awkward when these two guys meet in hell.

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi described President Obama as an African of Arab and Muslim descent. After the speech, Gadhafi was given his own show on Fox News.

Gadhafi said no sane person would join the protests against him. He then joined the protests against himself.

Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi said that people protesting against him are under the influence of 'hallucination pills.' In a related story, Charlie Sheen just boarded a plane to Libya.

Happy Presidents Day. Or, as it's being called in the Middle East, Happy Overthrow Your Presidents Day.

Yemen's president says that despite protests, he won't leave office. His exact words were, 'The Oscars are Sunday, I have a widescreen TV at the palace. You do the math.'

They're calling the Middle East uprisings the 'Jasmine Revolution.' Historians say it's the first revolution that could double as a new scent of Febreze.

Steve Benson

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