Friday, April 12, 2013

Jon Stewart, Late Nite Jokes Roundup: New Pope, Easter, Funny Politics, Gay Marriage, April Fools

2 funny video clips, lots of hilarious photo memes and great jokes!

From Denny:  How the comedy fun just keeps rockin' on!  These guys just don't give up.  They create the funniest news commentary in America.  OK, some of it is borderline tasteful but then you wouldn't be checking out this post if that mattered.

These jokes and video clips are just from the month of March 2013.  Yes, these comics are prolific and it takes a good week to round up the jokes and a few of the best clips.  If you have some additional comedy clips you really enjoyed, and want others to know about, just leave the urls in the comment box, and, thanks!

Last month the world viewed the installation of a new Pope after Pope Benedict resigned, the first to give up the job in almost 700 years.  This new Pope already did tremendous church reform in Argentina.  The entire world is holding their breath to see if Pope Francis, a Jesuit, has the nerve and ability to reform the entire Catholic Church.  While he is figuring it out hopefully he will not get poisoned by the infamous Curia Creeps who managed to kill off a number of popes over the centuries.  Meanwhile, the polls are in agreement Pope Francis is a pretty cool and humble guy, something the church has needed for a very long time: a breath of fresh air.

Of course, the comics had a field day with the awkward situation of a living former Pope and the newly installed Pope in the same timeline.  Because there was so much global media coverage about the process to figure out how to elect a new Pope while the other guy was still alive there are a multitude of jokes about that process - true and imaginary.  You know how comics roll, they have imaginary friends even as adults, so expect the unexpected.

There are a truck load of gay marriage jokes.  Every politician is suddenly wanting to get in on the act of agreeing gay marriage is fine to do now after they lost the culture war.  They all have an eye on running for President in 2016 and the country has shifted its views on gay marriage.  Most people "get it" that you don't deny other Americans their civil rights whether you agree with their lifestyle or not.  "Just Chill" is the new word, especially among Millennial Americans who don't see what all the Baby Boomer fuss is about in the first place.  If they could they would tell their grandparents two words:  Grow Up!

And, oh, the hilarious copious political jokes - for which I live to collect.  You will never experience a sad day in your life again if you bookmark any of these joke posts on any of my many blogs.  In fact, the reason I started collecting so many funny quotes and crazy political jokes highlighting absurd human behavior, was to help de-stress my fellow Americans in a down economy and chaotic job loss environment!  I guess this is where I should list the various blogs where I've parked more comedy and funny video clips for the past four years, especially of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert:

Dennys Funny Quotes
The Social Poets
Ouch Outrageous Obnoxious And Odd
Dennys News


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Selection Process of New Pope "Frank" and Easter:

The cuts have already begun. Just yesterday, the Pope got laid off. – Jay Leno

At this point, we have no idea who the next Pope will be. How about Mitt Romney? He's not doing anything. – Jay Leno

Pope Benedict officially resigned on Thursday night, after eight years as Pontiff. - - revealing an incredible case of hat hair. – Seth Meyers

I don't have a lot of hope for the new Pope. The Cardinals are kind of like Republicans. They always say they want a fresh, new face and they end up picking a creepy old weirdo. – Bill Maher

After officially leaving the papacy on Thursday, Pope Benedict flew on a helicopter to Castel Gandolfo, where he will spend the next few months, I’m guessing, trying to kill James Bond? – Seth Meyers

New Rule: Now that it's been announced that former Pope John Ratzinger will no longer wear his trademark red shoes, someone has to explain how I'm supposed to know who's tapping at me from the next stall? – Bill Maher
Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church's image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he's out to crush the Rebel Alliance. – Stephen Colbert

The search for a Pope has begun. The cardinals are all starting to gather together in Rome right now. It's like a 'Star Trek' convention but less celibate. – Conan O'Brien
Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss. – Conan O'Brien
It's been announced that Twinkies will be back on the shelves sometime this summer. Isn't that great? This new Pope is already getting things done.' – Conan O'Brien

The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic. – Craig Ferguson

Over the weekend the current Pope and the former Pope had lunch together. The waiter who served them said they spent the whole time bitching about their boss. – Conan O'Brien

We have a new Pope. The Vatican has chosen the first ever Argentinean Pope. So once again, a bunch of old white guys got a Hispanic to do a job they didn't want to do. – Conan O’Brien

The new Pope has chosen the name Pope Francis. A little advice for the Vatican: If you really want to make a strong stand against homosexuality, don't go with a girl's name. – Conan O’Brien
The cardinals at the Vatican will release black smoke if they don't reach a decision and white smoke if they do. And blue smoke means they're working on the Vatican Oldsmobile. – Conan O’Brien

The cardinals are in seclusion until they choose a new Pope, and they don't have access to the Internet. This is to keep them from being exposed to any press rumors and any "Walking Dead" spoilers. – Conan O’Brien
As of yet no Pope has been elected. Experts say the thick smoke seen pouring out of the Vatican indicates either the first ballot was a deadlock or that Willie Nelson has arrived for the vote. – Craig Ferguson
Cardinals are starting to vote on a new Pope. Apparently for someone to become Pope, they have to receive 77 of the votes from the cardinals. They also have to win Ohio and Florida. – Conan O’Brien
Personally, I rarely make good decisions when I'm wearing a robe. – Jimmy Kimmel

Pope Francis met former Pope Benedict over the weekend at a Vatican retreat. They spent the weekend in prayer trying to figure out exactly what marshmallow Peeps have to do with Easter. – Jay Leno
You know what I liked best about the election of the new Pope? Just the fact that we don't have to see any more of those negative Pope campaign ads. – Jay Leno
As you know, we have a new Pope. He is Pope Francis of Argentina. He is a 76-year-old man with only one lung. This could be just the burst of youth and vitality the Catholic Church needs. – Jay Leno

The new Pope had part of a lung removed when he was a teenager. I knew those Catholic school nuns were really mean, but I had no idea. – Jay Leno

Pope Francis was the runner-up to Pope Benedict in the last election. And this time he got elected. You know what that means? There's still hope for Mitt Romney. – Jay Leno

Pope Francis was a beloved cardinal in Argentina. He gave up all his worldly possessions. He gave up his house to live in a tiny apartment. He gave up his car to ride the bus. You know what that means? Right now every divorced guy is saying, 'I could have been Pope.' – Jay Leno 

We have a new Pope! He is Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He is from Argentina. Tens of millions of Hispanics celebrated. And that was just here in L.A. – Jay Leno

People all over the world celebrated differently. In Rome they prayed. In Dublin, they sang. In New York, they chugged super-sized Mountain Dews. – Jay Leno

But their job is not done yet. The 115 cardinals are going to stay in Rome a few extra days and try to find a replacement for Joy Behar on ‘The View.’ – Jay Leno

Pope Frank has wasted no time in reforming the church's image. For instance, our pope now no longer looks like he's out to crush the Rebel Alliance. – Stephen Colbert

Last year at Easter, Governor Chris Christie was rushed to the hospital. It was an emergency. It turned out he had an impacted peep. – David Letterman 

Last year there was some trouble at the White House's Easter egg hunt. One kid looking for eggs turned up Obama's birth certificate. – David Letterman

Of course, Jon Stewart has to weigh in on the new Pope on the block, especially since Francis is winning kudos from all over the world and from different faiths: 



Pope Francis does away with his predecessor's festooned papal style.

A NASA official told Congress that if a meteor was on track to strike the U.S., Americans should pray. Even Pope Francis was like, 'That's your Plan A?' – Jimmy Fallon
Everyone is still talking about the new Pope. It turns out that he used to be a high school chemistry teacher. Or as most people put it: 'Breaking Bad' spoiler alert! – Jimmy Fallon

Pope Francis actually put himself through school by working as a bouncer at a nightclub. Which will come in handy now that he's kind of the bouncer for Heaven. – Jimmy Fallon

A bakery in New York is already selling cookies with a picture of the new Pope on them. Which is perfect for anyone who was hoping to feel even more guilty after eating a bunch of cookies. – Jimmy Fallon
Today was the first day that cardinals started voting for the new Pope. Everyone has already voted except the cardinal from Florida, who's still trying to figure out how the ballots work. – Jimmy Fallon

In accordance with Vatican tradition, the cardinals in the papal conclave will release white smoke when a Pope is chosen. The practice was started by those two ancient leaders, Cardinal Cheech and Cardinal Chong. – Jimmy Fallon

The new Pope was inaugurated earlier today. Did you watch the festivities? All of the world leaders were there. Joe Biden represented the United States. Germany was represented by Angela Merkel. And Dennis Rodman was there, of course. – David Letterman

The Pope is urging compassion for those less fortunate. Of course, that means the poor, the indigent, and the oppressed. And also Carnival Cruise passengers. – David Letterman
Have you been watching 'The Bible'? They have a character who plays Satan, and he looks a little bit like President Obama. And I thought, 'If President Obama was actually Satan, Republicans might be willing to deal with him.' – David Letterman 
We have a new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. I think I have his spaghetti sauce. – David Letterman

Tomorrow night at the Vatican is Pope Francis Bobblehead Night. – David Letterman

Today there was more smoke from the chimney at the Sistine Chapel. They were just burning some pizza boxes. – David Letterman
The new Pope is a man of the people. Immediately after they elected him, he went back to the hotel by himself, brought his luggage downstairs, and checked himself out of the hotel. There was the fight about the mini bar charge but other than that, he was humble. – David Letterman

The new Pope gave his first speech in Latin. Everybody's after the Latin vote. – David Letterman

It took the cardinals less than 24 hours to elect a new Pope. It took a year to replace Regis. – David Letterman 
The big news is the new Pope. His name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. If you're saying to yourself, 'Boy, that name sounds familiar,' you're right. For seven years he was the ace reliever for the Yankees. – David Letterman

Thousands and thousands of people at Vatican Square were looking at the chimney. And the white smoke means we have a white Pope. – David Letterman
With the selection process going on for the new Pope, there's a lot of papal trivial. For example, did you know that no Pope has ever in the history of the church been elected without carrying Ohio? – David Letterman

The cardinals each write down their choice on a small slip of paper and put in a silver chalice and then they mix all the names up and they're drawn out. It's the same thing they do for the Vatican's Secret Santa. – David Letterman

The Pope has more than one designation. He's also the bishop of Rome. He's also known as the pontiff. And here's what I didn't know. He's also known as Diddy. – David Letterman

When the cardinals are done selecting a new Pope, smoke appears up the chimney. White smoke means a new Pope. Black smoke means they have not reached a decision. Blue smoke means the cardinals are making ribs. – David Letterman

The former Pope got together today with the new Pope for a Pope reunion special. They referred to each other as New Pope and Pope Classic. – Craig Ferguson

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. ‘Francis’ was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of ‘Pope Boo Boo.’ – Craig Ferguson

What do we know about Pope Francis? Well, he's 76 years old. He's a former archbishop, and he likes long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of Coldplay. – Craig Ferguson

The last Pope, Pope Benedict, will now be known as Pope Classic. – Craig Ferguson

Cardinals from all over the world are gathering in Rome to select the next Pope. You can watch the whole process on 'Vatican's Got Talent.' – Conan O'Brien

In his first interview since losing the election, Mitt Romney says it kills him to not be in the White House. He said he'll always think of it as the one house he couldn't buy. – Conan O'Brien

And, from the fans of trans vaginal probing in Virginia by women held hostage in the doctor's office and the state government, with a nod to House Speaker Boehner:

Check out The Kid President (over 17 million views), 9-year-old Robby Novak from SoulPancake Youtube channel, who did an April Fools' Day video from what looks like the White House news room podium.  

He says in the video:  "It looks like you were expecting somebody else, but April Fools on all y'all. I'm Kid President and I hope everyone has an awesome day. It's everybody's duty to give the world a reason to dance.  I made it to the White House. I'm here. Peace," added Novak, throwing up his hands.

April Fools' Day:
Michelle Obama is going to appear on the cover of the April issue of Vogue magazine. And also look for President Obama next month on the cover of The Economist. It's their annual April Fools issue. – Jay Leno

And the now infamous April Fools' Day message from the mini-Prez that had the country laughing off our chairs:

Gay Marriage:

Bill Clinton now says he wishes he had supported gay marriage back when he was president. Clinton said at the time he was too busy campaigning for open marriage. – Conan O'Brien

Rush Limbaugh said that lesbians don't have to worry about their appearance, so they are free to get fat. Moments later, Rush Limbaugh officially come out as a lesbian. – Conan O'Brien

Today is the second day on which the Supreme Court heard arguments for and against same-sex marriage, commonly referred to as gay marriage, which is commonly referred to as the magic of Siegfried and Roy. – David Letterman 

The current marriage act defines marriage as a union between one man and one impossible woman. – David Letterman 

I hope they legalize gay marriage because I need to be alive when 'Gay Divorce Court' hits the air. That's how I'll be spending my days. – David Letterman 
A recent poll found that 58% of Americans now think it should be legal for gays and lesbians to get married. And the other 42% object only because they don't want to go to another guddamn wedding. – Stephen Colbert
Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God's punishment for man's moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise.  – Stephen Colbert
Some people traveled to Washington and paid as much as $6,000 to watch the Supreme Court's deliberations on gay marriage. Yeah, $6,000. Maybe that's why the Supreme Court launched its 41-city Monsters of Gay Marriage Deliberation Tour. – Conan O'Brien

The Supreme Court heard arguments on the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. It could be a major blow for those who believe that marriage should be between two bitterly and eventually overweight people of the opposite sex. – Jimmy Kimmel 
The arguments against same-sex marriage were given by lawyers for conservative activist groups and the arguments for it will be delivered tomorrow in song. – Jimmy Kimmel
Hillary Clinton came out today in support of gay marriage. Now she faces her greatest challenge yet – getting her husband to support straight marriage. – Craig Ferguson

Funny Politics:

The average American works six months a year for the government. Think about that. Government employees don't even work six months a year for the government. – David Letterman

New Secretary of State John Kerry — what do you think? Is he getting the job done? I don't know. It's hard to trust a secretary of state who is not wearing a pantsuit. – David Letterman

John Kerry visited Iraq and also Afghanistan. Meanwhile, Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu is meeting with Dennis Rodman. – David Letterman

During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel's relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle – restoring Israel's relationship with pork. – Conan O'Brien

North Korea is now threatening the United States with all-out war. What did Dennis Rodman say to these people? What did he do? – Jay Leno

Ashley Judd announced she will not be running for Senate in Kentucky against Mitch McConnell. And Mitch McConnell announced he will not be co-starring in any romantic comedies with Matthew McConaughey. – Jay Leno

Yesterday former CIA director David Petraeus apologized for having an affair with his biographer. He said he hopes this begins a new chapter in his life. It got awkward when he said, 'Any of you ladies want to write it?' – Jimmy Fallon


* * *  Please support Warriors Pearl Foundation - contributing to fund efforts to help homeless female military veterans come home.  Visit Denny Lyon Gifts  @  -  see what's new!  And a special thanks to those of you supporting this effort!  You rock!

A new poll shows that 64 percent of New Jersey residents don't care about New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight. That's mostly because Chris Christie IS 64 percent of New Jersey. – Conan O'Brien

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann is under investigation for alleged misuse of campaign funds. She's blaming the accusations on her arch nemesis: the facts. – Jay Leno 

Yesterday President Obama told reporters that his NCAA tournament bracket is busted. Obama said they were the worst picks he's ever made – then he looked at his economic advisers and said, 'Ehh, maybe not.' – Jimmy Fallon
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano – the person in charge of our national security – recently said she doesn't email, text, or tweet. So remember: If you see something, say something – because there's literally no other way she'll get the message. – Jimmy Fallon

North Korea is warning the U.S. that war with South Korea may break out at any minute. Or as Obama put it, 'Can't believe I'm doing this. Get me Dennis Rodman.' – Jimmy Fallon
Happy birthday to retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor. She's 83 years old today. And listen to this: In a 5-4 decision, the Supreme Court wished her a happy birthday. – Conan O'Brien

Last night President Obama celebrated Passover by hosting a seder at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Sasha asked, 'Hey, I thought we were Muslim. – Conan O'Brien
Last year the expenses of the living exp residents cost us taxpayers almost 4 million. The cost were mostly due to secret service pensions and Bill Clinton's party bus. – Conan O'Brien
During its trip to the Middle East, President Obama helped restore Israel's relationship with Turkey. Now, onto the final hurdle – restoring Israel's relationship with pork. – Conan O'Brien

The Obamas' dog Bo still travels with his own motorcade. After hearing this, Vice President Joe Biden said "Wait, why am I still taking the train?’ – Conan O’Brien

After tours of the White House were canceled due to budget cuts, Donald Trump offered to pay for them. All he's asking is they rename it the Trump White House and Casino. – Conan O’Brien
The former mayor of Detroit has been convicted of racketeering and extortion charges. The sentence is pretty hard. He has to serve another term as mayor of Detroit. – Conan O’Brien
President Obama filled out his NCAA bracket. He picked Indiana, Louisville, Florida, and Ohio State to reach the Final Four. He had Indiana to win, but Republicans in the House blocked that. – Jimmy Kimmel
It was proposed this week that members of Congress use video conferencing and other remote technology to work from their home states instead of Washington. They figure they can get just as much 'not done' at home as they get 'not done' in Washington. – Jay Leno

A new survey found that the average American stays at his job for about four-and-a-half years. That is unless they're a late-night host on NBC. – Jimmy Fallon

According to a new survey, the average member of Congress can speak only at a 10th-grade level. Which is worse than it sounds, because the average 10th grader can speak only at a 5th-grade level. – Jay Leno

There's a big controversy with the History Channel's mini-series The Bible. Well, it seems the actor playing Satan bears an uncanny resemblance to President Obama. You know, this isn't the first time the president's been portrayed as the devil. FOX News does it every single day. This is not new. – Jay Leno

Congresswoman Michele 'Nutball' Bachmann back in the news. She has attacked what she calls the Obamas' lavish White House lifestyle. She says they spend too much money on perks and things like a dog walker. That turns out to be totally not true. The Obamas do not pay someone to walk their dog. Joe Biden does that job every day for free. – Jay Leno
Scientists say they are getting closer to being able to do 'Jurassic Park'-style cloning of extinct species. Imagine that? Things that were thought to be extinct could be brought back from the dead. So there's hope for NBC. It could turn around. – Jay Leno

A 28-year-old woman from Serbia has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down. The good news? She's now been given a job at the White House as President Obama's economic adviser. – Jay Leno

She sees everything upside down. In fact, she thinks NBC is at the top of the ratings. – Jay Leno

The U.S. Senate is now fighting to keep open the Senate barber shop. It loses $350,000 a year. Do you know what that makes it? The most successful government program ever. It’s losing only $350,000 a year. – Jay Leno

The island nation of Cyprus is now considering a 10 percent tax on every individual savings account in that country. They'll take 10 percent of your money right out of the bank. To which President Obama said: 'You can do that?' – Jay Leno
I think I finally figured out where Sarah Palin came from. Someone cast a spell on a YouTube comment and it came to life. – Jon Stewart

We’re learning more about the dead There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints. – Jimmy Fallon

I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special. – Jimmy Fallon

Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez. It seems he amassed about $2 billion in personal fortune while president — and he was a socialist. Imagine how rich he could have been if he didn’t believe in redistribution of wealth. – Jay Leno
In Venezuela they held the funeral for dictator Hugo Chavez. Many world leaders were there: Iran sent their president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; Cuba sent Raul Castro; and we sent Dennis Rodman. – Jay Leno

Now that Hugo Chavez is gone, the crazy nut-ball dictator void will be filled by North Korea's Kim Jong Un. It's nice of him to step in and fill that. – Jay Leno

A new poll indicates that President Obama is no better than George W. Bush at protecting civil liberties. In fact, the pollster had some follow-up questions but split when he saw a drone fly overhead. – Jay Leno

New Jersey officials say that one of their state's landfills smells so bad, they had to use an industrial-strength deodorant on it. They said it works. Today, they're going to try it on even bigger dumps, like a Carnival Cruise ship. – Jay Leno

Yet another Carnival Cruise ship has broken down with no power, no water, and overflowing toilets. The only good thing about taking a Carnival Cruise is even Somali pirates won't try to board them now. – Jay Leno 
Everybody’s still talking about March Madness, and it turns out that President Obama has correctly predicted 11 of the Sweet 16 teams. When Joe Biden was asked about his Sweet 16, he said, 'It was great — I had a petting zoo and a clown.' – Jimmy Fallon
There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints. – Jimmy Fallon

I guess the marijuana trend explains why White Castle is now offering an early bird special. – Jimmy Fallon
The Republican National Committee announced that it will spend $10 million to reach out to Hispanic, Asian, and African-American voters – you know, to ask them not to vote. – Jimmy Fallon
During his visit to Israel today, President Obama's limousine broke down after it was mistakenly filled with the wrong fuel. Or as Obama put it: 'Who the hell filled this thing up with coffee?' – Jimmy Fallon

President Obama filled out his NCAA tournament bracket. He picked Florida, Indiana, Louisville, and Ohio State to go to the Final Four. Crazy that it's been four months since the election, and he still needs Florida and Ohio to win. – Jimmy Fallon

Today President Obama and Joe Biden were both out of the country at the same time for an hour and 20 minutes. On the bright side, Sasha and Malia managed to talk the Republicans into a budget deal. – Jimmy Fallon

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced that he supports a path to citizenship for illegal immigrants. Or as illegal immigrants put it, "Who do you think's going to build that path?' – Jimmy Fallon
The guy who plays Satan on the History Channel's 'The Bible' looks like President Obama. Even Rush Limbaugh was outraged. He was like, 'How can you do that to Satan?' – Jimmy Fallon 
U.S. officials have revealed that America is ready to launch cyber attacks of its own. We have a program that can totally crash someone's computer. It's called 'Microsoft Windows.' – Jimmy Fallon

With Washington in the middle of a budget crisis, the White House is facing criticism for spending $250,000 a year on calligraphy. You can tell you're spending way too much money on calligraphy when you spend ANY money on calligraphy. – Jimmy Fallon
There are reports that Joe Biden will handle more foreign policy matters during President Obama's second term. Though you know it's bad when world leaders are like, ‘Can you just send Dennis Rodman instead?’ – Jimmy Fallon
North Korea may attack South Korea. Thanks a lot, Rodman! – David Letterman

Last night on 'The Tonight Show,' during the monologue Jay Leno called NBC executives 'snakes.' The response came quickly. 'Jay Leno has crossed the line and gone too far,' responded the snakes. – Craig Ferguson
The nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie "Argo." They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie ‘Shrek.’ – Craig Ferguson

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn't figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas. – Craig Ferguson

How would the government try to enforce something like that? It's not like Obama's got a secret fleet of robotic aircraft circling over, watching everything people do with little cameras. – Craig Ferguson

Mitt Romney spoke at CPAC for the first time since the election. He has not lost any of the warmth and charm that we have come to know. He still sounds like the flight attendant that doesn’t let you use the bathroom in first class. – Bill Maher

They had a panel discussion at CPAC called 'Are You Sick and Tired of Being Called a Racist When You Know You're Not One?' Let me save you guys a lot of money. If you get called a racist often enough to be sick and tired of it, you might be a redneck. – Bill Maher
New Rule: If you buy the new hybrid electric Ferrari – f*** you. A one-million dollar hybrid - that ought to impress the hippie chicks selling soap at the farmer's market. Finally, the car for a billionaire who wants his carbon footprint to be as small as his penis. – Bill Maher

If seeing this nice lady (Michelle Obama) on TV saying she likes the movies, or nutrition, or exercise fills you with rage, get help. – Bill Maher 

The TSA this week announced that it will now allow airline passengers to carry previously banned pocket knives, baseball bats and pool cues on planes. And no one’s happier than Honkytonk Bar Fight Airlines. – Seth Meyers
How about that Rand Paul? There was some old-fashioned Mr. Smith Goes to Washington excitement this week. He filibustered the old-school way. He stood up there for 13 hours and demanded an answer from the president about whether it’s constitutional to kill an American on American soil with a drone. And Obama shot back, ‘Don’t push me!’ – Bill Maher

Back in 1957 Mr. Strom Thurmond stood up there for 24 hours, pausing only once to impregnate a black lady, so I’m not impressed. – Bill Maher

North Korea this week announced they are sick of our sh*t and thermo-nuclear war is on. Which made everyone think ‘What the f*** did Dennis Rodman say?!’ – Bill Maher

Obama took twelve Republicans out to dinner this week, at a restaurant; like a date, and he picked up the tab…he put down the White House credit card. Bad news for the economy, it was denied. – Bill Maher

Two key questions emerged from the dinner: 1) whether anything can get done without the Republican leadership; and 2) why do John McCain and Lindsey Graham always go to the bathroom in pairs? I’m just going to call them McCainsey from now on. – Bill Maher

They’re calling it Obama’s charm offensive because he took Republicans to dinner, and then he had Paul Ryan over for lunch. And it’s working apparently. This has been the problem all along. Republicans will put out, you just have to buy them a meal and tell them they are pretty first. – Bill Maher

Republicans in Arkansas passed the strictest abortion law ever…they say in the bill that life begins when your sister gets drunk. – Bill Maher

North Korea has threatened to nuke the United States. Which begs the question, what the hell did Dennis Rodman say over there? – Conan O'Brien

Last week horse meat was covered in IKEA's meat balls. This morning it was discovered in IKEA's hot dogs. This is making me think twice about taking my family to dinner at a furniture store. – Conan O'Brien

All tours of the White House have been canceled due to budget concerns. Don't worry, there's another way get into the White House if you don't belong. Fake your birth certificate. – Craig Ferguson

Tonight there's a comet. A comet making the closest approach ever to earth. Now is it really a comet? Or is it one of President Obama's drones? – Craig Ferguson

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has a new crusade. He wants people to stop listening to loud music in their headphones. Wasn't that the plot of 'Footloose'? – Jimmy Kimmel

Mayor Bloomberg must throw the worst parties ever. How long before he just starts showing up on street corners and whacking the hot dogs out of people's hands? – Jimmy Kimmel

Mark Zuckerberg unveiled a new Facebook news feed today. It promises to revolutionize the way we see pictures of our friends' feet on vacation. – Jimmy Kimmel

President Obama took a group of Republicans to dinner last night. And at the end of the meal, the president personally picked up the tab. Afterwards, Republicans said 'Typical Democrat. Spend, spend, spend.' – Conan O'Brien

From "The Most Interesting Man in the World":

A major snowstorm has hit the East Coast. In Washington, D.C., everything ground to a halt – and then the snowstorm hit. – Conan O'Brien

Due to budget cuts, all tours of the White House have been canceled indefinitely. When he heard, Joe Biden said, 'Now I'll never see it.' – Conan O'Brien

Today Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell released a Harlem Shake video. So just when you think a trend is dead, it's made cool again by Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. – Conan O'Brien

Former president of Venezuela, Hugo Chavez, died yesterday. Sean Penn actually went down to Venezuela and met Chavez a few times. He's a polarizing figure that a lot of Americans really don't like. Chavez was, too. – Craig Ferguson

The people of Venezuela aren't sure who'll replace Hugo Chavez. CBS suggested Ashton Kutcher. – Craig Ferguson

I must have missed the moment when racism ended. I wonder when it was? The time Ross dated Aisha Tyler on 'Friends?' Or when Keebler added a black elf? Oh, I know. It must have been when they made slavery illegal in Mississippi all the way back in ... four weeks ago. – Stephen Colbert

It is Election Day. We're going for a new mayor. At one point, our mayor was hanging around with Charlie Sheen. Everyone was wondering: Why would the most powerful guy in the city, a role model, and pillar of our community, want to hang around with the mayor? – Craig Ferguson

It's been almost a decade since we've had a new mayor. It's starting to seem like the mayor of Los Angeles was one of those jobs for life. Like Supreme Court judge, or host of 'The Tonight Show.' – Craig Ferguson

If you need more proof that the president is no friend of Israel, just do the math. Back in 2007, President Bush supported Israel with $2.3 billion in foreign military aid. This year, President Obama wants to bring that down to just $3.1 billion. I know it looks like it's going up, but remember: in Hebrew you read charts from right to left. – Stephen Colbert

Jon Stewart has announced he will be taking the summer off from 'The Daily Show.' We wish him all the best in his new project: ruling the country of Venezuela. – Stephen Colbert

Thanks to Televangelists Pat Robertson and John Hagee, we know that bad weather is always God's punishment for man's moral failings. Hurricanes form from rising moisture created from hot, steamy man-action aboard a gay Caribbean cruise.  – Stephen Colbert

A huge snowstorm is set to hit Washington, D.C., and it's being called the Snowquester. Democrats say it could be 10 inches, Republicans want it cut down to 2. – Conan O'Brien

A lot of people are worried about the effects of the budget cuts. The automatic budget cuts could lead to a huge drop in food inspections. So be careful if you eat at the Olive Garden; your meal may contain trace amounts of Italian food. – Conan O'Brien

Dennis Rodman visited North Korea. Rodman came back and said President Obama should call North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. But President Obama was busy discussing Iran's nuclear capabilities with Scottie Pippen. – Conan O'Brien

Today Kenya is holding elections for the first time since 2007. It's getting nasty. Each presidential candidate is accusing the others of being born in Kenya. – Conan O'Brien

President Obama has nominated Wal-Mart executive Sylvia Burwell l to be his budget director. The President says he's excited by her experience at Wal-Mart. Sylvia Burwell said she's excited to be making more than $9.85 per hour. – Conan O'Brien

Obama's sci-fi flub should be the GOP's gain. After all, Republicans and nerds have so much in common. They both live in fantasy worlds, and have no idea how to relate to women. And, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell bears a striking resemblance to Admiral Ackbar. – Stephen Colbert on Obama's "Jedi mind-meld" gaffe

President Obama's half-brother is running for office in Kenya. He's a political novice who was born and raised in Africa. I don't know much about the half-brother. – Craig Ferguson

The show has Dennis Rodman, our new ambassador to North Korea. Dennis is back home safely after visiting the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. And apparently they hit it off. Rodman called him a friend for life. But he said the same thing when he married Carmen Electra. – Jimmy Kimmel

Disney has developed a new video game called "Disney City Girl," which lets players shop and work their way up the social ladder. To win the game, you just have to defeat all the progress women have ever made. – Seth Meyers

Welcome sequestration survivors. Congress did not reach an agreement and Congresswoman Maxine Waters said 170 million jobs could be lost. There are only 155 million workers in America. Are you beginning to understand why we're in this situation in the first place? – Jay Leno

The big scandal is that CPAC did not invite the one most popular Republican in the country, Chris Christie, because apparently they're mad at him because during Hurricane Sandy, he hugged Obama. In their world, you're only allowed to touch a black person if he handed you a 7-wood and shot a hole in one. – Bill Maher

They didn't invite Chris Christie, but they did invite Rick Perry and Sarah Palin – to answer the question, 'What is the opposite of a meeting of the minds?' – Bill Maher

Sarah Palin is getting ready for the big CPAC thing by writing words on her hand like "Obama bad. No like." And Rick Perry is getting ready by writing 'Rick Perry. – Bill Maher

This is like not having the will power to diet, so instead rigging your refrigerator to blow up if you open the door. – Bill Maher on the sequester

Getting ready for Spring - well, at least he weighs less than "a monkey on my back"

This Is My Sitting Spot

St. Patrick's Day and Ides of March:
To celebrate St. Patrick's Day, Carnival Cruise had all their toilets overflowing with green water. – Jay Leno

You know the whole legend of St. Patrick, right? St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland — and then they came to the United States and became NBC executives. – Jay Leno

Are you folks excited about St. Patrick's Day? It's the day I tell Irish jokes written by Jewish writers. – David Letterman

How to Make a Leprechaun With Shoeboxes thumbnail

Today is the Ides of March. This is when Julius Caesar was stabbed in the back by the people he trusted. Not a good day to be working at NBC. – Jay Leno

Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. He was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was his friend. It was like he worked in show business. – Craig Ferguson

Julius Caesar was romantically involved with Cleopatra for 14 years. But he never asked her to marry him. Cleopatra felt betrayed and spent years whining about it in public. That's why she was known as the 'Egyptian Taylor Swift.' – Craig Ferguson

After he dumped Cleopatra, there were rumors that Julius Caesar fathered an illegitimate child by a housemaid. But those rumors turned out to be false. It was actually Caesar's cousin, Julius Schwarzenegger. – Craig Ferguson

Just Chill on white Men's Performance Dry T-Shirt

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