From Denny: Make sure you VOTE! to get your voice heard above the lying political campaign ads. If we want to change out our politicians who refuse to attend to the needs of the American people and get this country going again, then VOTE! even if you did not intend to vote until 2016 for the presidential campaign. Make sure you have a valid I.D. like a driver's license or other state issued I.D. Republican legal teams will be out in full force nationally to challenge voters at the polls, intent upon throwing out millions of votes or preventing millions of voters from being able to exercise their right to vote at all.
Even here in Louisiana the Republican brand is so disliked by voters that the candidates refuse to acknowledge they are Republicans on all their yard signs and political literature. The public may be almost as angry with the Democrats but less so than with the Republicans who are too lazy to work but 13 percent of the time in Congress. Why are we paying these lazy fools $168,000 annually anyway? Part time work should be rewarded with part time paychecks and no health care plans since they are temporary workers. Works for me.
Meanwhile, enjoy the political jokes, poking our most greedy and clueless politicians. Get out and VOTE! and create a tsunami to overwhelm Congress with how the middle class wants real change and real change now...
The perfect holiday season message: "may you have a happy, merry holiday season"
Ahem... COFFEE! with steaming cup of joe just in case anyone has any doubts as to what you need right now. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - see what's new!
Political Fails, Missteps, Midterms, ISIS, NFL: Late Nite Jokes
From Jimmy Fallon:
Next month Joe Biden is scheduled to make stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco to discuss foreign policy issues — while his advisers are learning how to say 'We're sorry' in all three languages.
A survey found that more than half of Americans see President Obama's time in office as a failure. While the rest said, 'You saw him in his office? When?'
A new study estimates that only 3.4 percent of Americans will vote in the midterm elections next month. But on the bright side, 100 percent will still complain about the results.
It's rumored that a sequel is in the works to the 1996 movie 'Independence Day.' I'm not sure how scary it will be. An alien invasion would be only like the fifth worst thing we're dealing with right now.
During a campaign event, former presidential nominee Bob Dole told the crowd that Mitt Romney should run for president in 2016. If there's anyone who knows that the third time is a charm, it's a guy who lost three times.
President Obama and Michelle Obama went to a parent-teacher conference at their daughters' school this week. The teachers say their daughters are doing well, but with a few billion more in education funding, they could be doing great.
"Weather Channel co-founder John Coleman says there's no such thing as man-made global warming. It's actually not the first controversial statement Coleman has made about the weather. He also said, 'I've been naming all the hurricanes after girls whodumped me in high school.'" –Jimmy Fallon
The White House dismissed former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta's criticisms of President Obama, saying he has faced some of the most difficult issues of our time. That would be a great defense if EVERY president didn't face the most difficult issues of their time. That's the job.
On Saturday the San Francisco Giants beat the Nationals in Washington in 18 innings. It was the longest postseason game in baseball history — proving that even in sports, it takes forever to get something done in Washington.
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With so much speculation about the 2016 presidential election, the website ElectHillary.com is being sold for almost $300,000 and the website ChrisChristiePresident2016.com is being sold for almost $50,000. Meanwhile, the website 'Biden4Prez' is just a Tumblr set-up by Joe Biden. He'll take whatever – 50 bucks, 25 bucks.
This week a reporter asked Mitt Romney if he would run again for president in 2016, and Romney said, 'We'll see what happens.' Incidentally, that's also what he says anytime his wife asks him to dance.
In a new interview, Mitt Romney referred to Hillary Clinton as an 'enabler' of the president's foreign policy. Which would be a big deal if that wasn't the definition of being secretary of state.
The Department of Defense unveiled a new policy that will let undocumented immigrants serve in the military. Is it me, or does that just sound like a sneaky way to get rid of immigrants?
Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that he is resigning after five years with the administration. Obama said, 'Wait, you can do that?'
Political reporters are complaining that the White House has been asking them to edit some of their stories to make the president look better. The White House said that's not true, and those reporters should please change what they said.
Bill Clinton said that riding wild horses in Mongolia and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro are on his bucket list. When asked what was on her bucket list, Hillary said, 'Come on. Don't make me say it. You know what it is.'
President Obama is facing criticism over an incident yesterday where he was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, and then used that same hand to salute a Marine. Though with all that's going on in the world, I'm surprised he didn't salute with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
President Obama said that over 40 countries have offered to help the U.S. fight ISIS. Of course they said it the same way your friends do when they promise to help you move. 'Yeah just call me, you know, if I'm around. It'll be fun.'
The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called 'Operation Inherent Resolve.' They came up with that name using 'Operation Random Thesaurus.'
The Pentagon has picked 'Operation Inherent Resolve' as the name for its fight against ISIS. Unfortunately, two terrorists got away while they were busy thinking of that name. Who cares what you call it. Just do something!
A Dutch motorcycle gang called 'No Surrender' has declared war on ISIS, and plans to ride their motorcycles through Syria and Iraq. When they heard the name 'No Surrender,' the Pentagon said, 'Damn! That would have been a perfect name!'
The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather — because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?
House Speaker John Boehner is facing criticism over a recent speech where he suggested that unemployed people are lazy. Boehner would clarify his statements, but he was on his second two-week break of the month.
Chicago is reversing its plan to name a high school after President Obama after it received multiple complaints from people in the community. I guess parents were afraid their kids would spend eight years at the school and still not get anything done.
During President Obama's visit to an elementary school yesterday, one little boy actually asked him if he ever fought in the Civil War. Obama told the boy he did not, but he re-enacts it with Congress all the time.
Obama actually told the student, 'No I was born in 1961.' Then the kid said, 'Where?' Then Obama said, 'Uh, next question.
Today is my 40th Birthday. And I’m not the only one having a birthday. This week, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley celebrated his 81st birthday by going on a 6-mile run. Seriously? I just got winded walking out here from backstage.
During a speech this week, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the 'Orient,' just hours after he apologized for using another term that offended Jewish people. The White House calls Biden's remarks “unfortunate,” while Obama calls them 'a welcomed distraction.'
That’s right, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the 'Orient,' and also offended Jewish people. Which means he's one “pull my finger” away from being my grandpa on Thanksgiving.
Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania.
The head of the TSA is stepping down after more than four years on the job. Well, he actually stepped down a while ago, but he's been going through security for three and a half years.
TSA Chief John Pistole announced that he is stepping down. So whoever takes his place is going to have some pretty big shoes to take off.
During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn't winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, 'Well, not with THAT attitude.'
Make some merry this holiday season! Jingle Jingle!Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - see what's new!
The marriage rate has hit an all-time low, with 1 in 5 adults over 25 having never been married. In fact, an ad firm has come up with slogans to get people on board. One slogan is: 'Marriage, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back — half of it, anyway.'
A new study has revealed that the reading level of presidential speeches has dropped significantly over the last 200 years. Or as Americans put it, 'Why dat?'
President Obama played his 200th round of golf yesterday. Then Democrats said, 'You know what? He can do whatever he wants as long as he's not trying to campaign for us.'
President Obama was in California over the weekend to attend a fundraiser hosted by the creator of 'Farmville.' Obama and the creator of 'Farmville' have a lot in common. They both really wish it was still 2009.
It's reported that President Obama may take executive action to shut down the prison in Guantanamo Bay. It will backfire when the terrorists there say, 'We're not going out there. Those new terrorists are scary! I got four meals a day here and I get my nails done. I like it here.'
President Obama may close the Guantanamo prison. When asked how he plans on letting the prisoners out, Obama said, 'I'll replace all the guards with Secret Service agents.' They'll just wander out.
This is kind of weird. This week Obama criticized the GOP for being the party of billionaires — while he was speaking at a fundraiser at a billionaire's house!
I don't see how that story could get any worse. But did you see the name of that billionaire? He was Rich Richman. Are you kidding me? Rich Richman is the guy's name? That sounds like a Batman villain. Rich Richman? Come on. Obama would have stayed longer, but he was late for his lunch with Dollars McMoneybags.
They just announced that the budget deficit has shrunk to 'only' $486 billion, which is the lowest it's been since President Obama took office. Obama said, 'Well, I guess we'll just have to work harder . . . Wait, is that good news?'
Today President Obama gave a speech in California to motivate young voters by discussing his commitment to new technology. Ironically, nobody heard him because they were all staring at their phones.
This week a spokesman for Harry Reid said that even though Joe Biden makes a lot of mistakes, he is still able to connect and tell us what's on his mind. That sounds less like a vice president and more like a chimpanzee that knows sign language.
New York state is spending $750 million to open a solar plant in Buffalo, which will create thousands of jobs. Most of those jobs will be shoveling the snow off the solar equipment.
From Seth Meyers:
The government in Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. And nothing gets you in the mood like a direct order from Fidel Castro.
This weekend a man in Oregon who is an advocate for the open carry of firearms was robbed at gunpoint. The thief apparently made off with the man's entire argument.
While Mitt Romney was in Nebraska at a campaign rally to support a local Senate candidate this week, the crowd started chanting, 'Run, Mitt, Run.' And now, nobody can find Mitt Romney.
Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said today that he has not yet decided whether he will run for president in 2016 — at which point Hillary Clinton took her foot off of his neck.
Former CIA Director Leon Panetta said it seems like President Obama has lost his way. Apparently, it's gotten so bad that this morning Obama was seen asking a White House intruder for directions.
Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don't see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon.
The perfect holiday message: "may you have a happy, merry holiday season."Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - see what's new!
After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son 'must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.' They then added, 'Now get away from our castle!'
Next week the Supreme Court returns to work and is expected to decide if statements made on social media should be enough to put someone in jail. And if your mom is on Facebook, you know the answer is yes. Something has to stop her behavior.
The militant group ISIS today released a new audio clip mocking American politicians, including John Kerry and John McCain. And Americans are really upset because they released it directly into everybody's iTunes account.
Today the Obama administration announced the 140 people selected from across the country to participate in the fall White House internship program. Unlike the White House itself, the internship program is very hard to get into.
On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop twitching.
Over 200 airplane cabin cleaners at LaGuardia Airport in New York have gone on strike over fears about the spread of Ebola. But then they saw LaGuardia Airport and decided to take their chances with Ebola.
Bookmakers have listed Pope Francis as the odds-on favorite to win the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize. So if you're placing a bet on the results of the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize . . . you have a gambling problem.
From David Letterman:
The White House computers were hacked. They stole all of Michelle Obama's secret kale recipes.
The city of Detroit says it has come up with a plan that could finally get it out of bankruptcy. The plan involves Detroit getting on a bus and moving.
Today is the 10th anniversary of when Martha Stewart had to go to the penitentiary. Martha was in a minimum security facility, like the White House.
There's a picture of President Obama getting off his helicopter and he's got a cup of coffee in his hand, and he salutes the Marine guards with the cup of coffee. It's all part of the new Jerry Seinfeld series, 'Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee.'
President Obama addressed the U.N. today. Coincidentally, on the same day Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes.
It's quite a responsibility for the president to address the U.N. Yesterday he spoke on climate change. Today he spoke on terrorism. And tomorrow he talks about how to buy real estate with no money down.
The United States has launched air strikes against ISIS. It's being called 'Operation Approval Ratings.'
Today was the opening of the U.N. General Assembly. There were 100 representatives from 135 nations in New York City — all here to pay tribute to Derek Jeter.
President Obama was out playing golf today. He hit one tee shot 250 yards. Even golf balls are trying to distance themselves from him.
New York City is overrun with rats. We have so many rats that today Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat neutered.
I was very happy to see that our old friend Jay Leno is coming back to television. He's coming back to CNBC and he's got a brand-new show. Jay drives a variety of exotic vehicles, and each week he runs down a different NBC executive.
Here in New York City we are ranked as the fourth most rat-populated city in North America. We can do better than fourth, can't we?
Because of health scares, they will be taking your temperature at airport security. Well, that should speed up lines.
Make some merry this holiday season! Jingle Jingle!
Magic Coffee Fonts celebrate our morning cup of joe!
Vladimir Putin was nominated but did not win the Nobel Peace Prize. Earlier today he said, 'Who do I have to kill to win a Nobel Peace Prize?'
Today is the birthday of White House dog Bo. He had a wonderful party at the White House — only three intruders … I believe Bo is actually now distancing himself from the president ... It's a bittersweet day for Bo because he was recently trashed in Leon Panetta's book.
Right around the corner is the midterm elections. There's an anti-incumbent mood in the country. People are sick and tired of people who have been in the job too long and are lazy and overpaid and out of ideas. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That's me.
The administration now has a name for the war against ISIS. Every military operation has to have a name so people can get behind it, and they now have a name for the war against ISIS – Operation Hillary's Problem.
From Conan O'Brien:
Sources are saying Russia may have hacked into the White House Internet system. The problem was discovered this morning when suddenly Obama's screen saver was a shirtless Vladimir Putin.
For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire.
Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended.
Before the World Series game last night, Aaron Lewis from the band Staind botched the National Anthem. To make things worse he started the song with, 'Are you ready for some football?'
A new report claims that by the year 2020 the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it's a good time to be in the couch business.
The gay rights group GLAAD has released its annual report on TV. The History Channel got a very poor grade from GLAAD, which is why today the History Channel announced its new show, 'Gay Hitler.'
President Obama is being criticized for saluting a soldier while holding a pumpkin spice latte. Today he sincerely apologized while eating a maple glazed doughnut.
The federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. It's expected to go back up once the NFL season ends.
In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another 'Sex in the City' movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered – there's only so much they can take.
The Islamic State is releasing its own 'Grand Theft Auto' style of video game. In their version, the worse crime you can commit is letting a woman drive the car.
The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion.
Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently the evidence is any episode of the 'Real Housewives of New Jersey.'
Kenny G caused a controversy. I never get to say that. He tweeted his support of the Hong Kong protesters. Now China's communist government is mad at him. China has threatened to pill Kenny G's music out of all of their elevators.
An Apple computer built by Steve Jobs in his garage in 1976 sold for nearly $1 million. It makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market.
After embracing the gay community last week, the Vatican is now distancing itself from those comments. The Vatican explained, 'Hey, that was just one crazy weekend, OK? We've all had them, right?'
Earlier today the head of the TSA announced he's retiring. His employees toasted him with less than 3 ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.
From Jimmy Kimmel:
In California yesterday, Governor Jerry Brown signed the first state-wide ban on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. I think it's very interesting that a guy named Brown is forcing us to buy paper bags.
The White House posted a video that got people upset. The president saluted two Marines with a cup of coffee in his hand. It's not the first time Obama's done something like this. Remember that time he said The Pledge of Allegiance while holding a Hot Pocket? Or when he visited an aircraft carrier with a $5 footlong? The man never learns.
Today an Indian spacecraft reached the orbit of Mars. Not only did India succeed on their first attempt, they did it on a very modest budget — $74 million for the mission. Which happens to be, truly, $26 million less than it cost to make the movie 'Gravity.'
Congratulations to India. They were able to keep the mission's costs down by outsourcing all of the work to themselves. And who knows, if it keeps going, in a few years, maybe we'll have the first call center on Mars.
Many of the leaders and assistants to the leaders from around the world were in attendance at the U.N. Climate Summit. They say this was arguably the most high-profile, significant meeting that will in no way change anything whatsoever.
Unfortunately, the leaders of two of the world's biggest polluters, China and India, did not show up for the summit. That's like Daniel Day-Lewis and Meryl Streep not showing up for the Oscars.
According to a new estimate, Congress has had a full work week just 14 percent of the time since 1978. Congress said they planned to address the report next week because it's already Tuesday.
According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name.
About 400,000 people marched in New York today to draw attention to climate change. They held up signs and banners. They chanted things like 'Hey, hey, ho, ho, fossil fuels have got to go.' You know when somebody begins a chant with 'Hey, hey, ho, ho,' they mean business.
Grim Grammar pokes some fun: Why should i silently correct your grammar???
The annual Wastebook report was released today. This is an annual report that lists what Senator Tom Coburn describes as wasteful government spending. I didn't read it. I'm waiting for the movie to come out.
Our government spent $387,000 giving rabbits a daily massage. That doesn't sound wasteful to me. That sounds adorable.
It's kind of ironic for a member of Congress to be complaining about government waste. I think we spend around $5 billion every year on Congress. We don't seem to be getting anything out of that, right? What we got is a report on how much money they waste, so thank you.
Colorado police are worried that children on Halloween might mistakenly eat edible marijuana. Marijuana is legal there and includes candies and baked goods. You can tell if your kid is high if he won't stop asking 'Why?' when you answer his questions, or if he believes he has an imaginary friend.
A lot of people have a three-day weekend because of Columbus Day. In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue and 522 years later a lot of people still get Monday off to celebrate. No one's received more credit for getting lost than Christopher Columbus in the history of mankind.
As the story goes, Columbus was aiming for India, wound up in the Caribbean, and Americans have been terrible at geography ever since.
President Obama's in Los Angeles tonight for a night of fundraising and traffic jamming.
Traffic is so bad here to start with, and when the president comes in it just gets so much worse. Here's the thing: Obama has no understanding of commuting because he works from home. He has a home office.
Tickets for the fundraising event ranged from $1,000 to $32,000. For $32,000, you can meet President Obama. That seems very high, especially considering the fact that you can jump the fence at the White House and meet him for free.
Traffic aside, it's kind of nice to see people in L.A. raising millions of dollars for something that doesn't involve 'Transformers' for a change.
From Craig Ferguson:
A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote.
A man in a President Obama mask robbed a store recently. Police describe him as 'armed and incapable of reforming immigration.'
Vladimir Putin announced he's abolishing daylight saving time. He said he doesn't want to set Russian clocks back. I will say this: He's done a pretty good job of setting the Russian calendar back — to about 1983.
Now that Putin's gotten rid of daylight savings, it's just a matter of time before he decides to get rid of daylight altogether.
After the Obama mask robbery, someone in a Hillary Clinton mask came in and promised to clean up the mess he left behind.
Drift off to delicious dreamy sleep on these puffy pink clouds. From Louisiana artist Denny Lyon. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - see what's new!
Drift off to delicious dreamy sleep on these puffy pink clouds. From Louisiana artist Denny Lyon. Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - see what's new!
It's not just Friday. It's United Nations Day. The U.N. Is the world's foremost institution for drafting strongly worded letters.
Critics have accused the U.N. of being indecisive. To that, the U.N. replied, 'Uh, not true.'
It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven't been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan bickering, my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples.
Last night the governor of Florida refused to come out for a debate. He was upset that his opponent had a fan under the podium to keep cool. Now a governor and a fan are very different, of course. One oscillates back and forth, blowing hot air in everybody's face. And the other one is a fan.
Last week was the big fundraiser for President Obama hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow. It was hosted at her house. And people say Obama never reaches out to the inner city.
A fundraiser at Gwyneth Paltrow's house was a good idea for the president. He found the one person in America with lower approval ratings than his.
Gwyneth Paltrow told the president he was so handsome that she couldn't speak properly. I wish Obama would get a little bit more handsome so she would shut up forever.
Christmas Diva Cat sending you a giggle, a smirk, a full blown laugh! Happy Holidays!Visit Denny Lyon Gifts @ CafePress.com - see what's new!
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