Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Colbert, Daily Show Videos: Naughty Government, Funny NSA Leaker Jokes

Stephen Colbert as the fictional Stephen Colbert
Stephen Colbert as the fictional Stephen Colbert (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

4 funny Stephen Colbert video clips. 2 Daily Show clips.

From Denny:  When NSA Leaker Edward Snowden poked the hornets' nest of the intelligence community (IC), the military, private contractors, the government and the Justice Department they geared up into a defensive posture like never before this week.

Their collective backlash was the usual heavy-handedness of the 800 pound gorilla, heaped upon one individual they figure is an easy win, which only made the government look worse to the casual observer, especially the enthusiastic voting demographic under the age of 30.

Clearly, the government agencies are laying out the case to the court of public opinion, hoping to turn the public against Snowden so they have an excuse to either give him the death penalty or send out another wave of assassins. It's a shameful attitude and excessive behavior.

The smart thing would have been to STFU, issue a few press statements in defense of the phone sweeping and then wait for it to blow over or get replaced by yet another news story.  But no, the nasty Justice Department and the military guys running the various intelligence agencies just couldn't leave their testosterone in the bottle.  They just had to pounce and gang up on Snowden.  So now they are creating a social martyr.  It's the usual oxymoronic display of "military intelligence."

Why such an over reaction?  What are they really hiding?  Does Snowden really know and plan to reveal something far more intimidating than what we already suspected and knew to be true about our government?  If it's true that Snowden made off with at least one million documents after only employed for a mere three months how can the government and its private contractors make the case they had in place strict difficult to break protocols to prevent what Snowden did so easily?  Are they asleep at the switch or just plain lazy?

Get this; Snowden was quickly given access to the FISA (Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court) warrant order and more related materials posted on a web server during the NSA orientation on his first day. The Chinese, the Russians and the Israelis must be laughing in their sleeves about now at the silly levels of security of which the American government places so much confidence and hope.

Special public hearings to prove the various government communities have done nothing wrong and how they have safeguarded everyone's privacy is what they are selling today. The problem with the hard sell is that it becomes increasingly obvious that something odious is on the other side of the door and the sales folks are hoping to distract us all away from it.

After all, too many of the vociferous Snowden critics and those in the military, the IC, the government's politicians own stock in those private contractors making billions of dollars from those NSA contracts and other defense industry projects.  It's more about defending their wallets than it is about justice or America's safety from terrorists.  America: Home of the Bought and Sold Government.  It's no wonder a small level guy like Snowden went public with as much as he could gather up to publish.

While most Americans understand and accept the need for surveillance, we also expect it to be reasonable.  We expect that snooping to have a targeted specific person in their sights not a regular rolling over 90-day search warrant rubber stamped by the secret FISA court.  It's annoying when the government officials keep parsing their words to be legally correct but ethically and morally deceptive.

Are you guys tired of selling your souls a little at a time every day?  Just take a look at how haggard some of Team Obama look and it's obvious they are allowing themselves to be bullied by the IC and the military generals into making decisions they know they should not.  There has been enough killing and it is a practice to which our government should not get addicted.  Get your compasses back to wisdom.  Quit trying to balance the egos in government agencies and stay straight on smart.

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From Bill Maher:

Big breaking news about something we've known for like seven years, which is that your phone calls are being tracked and your emails are being accessed by the government. And married men all over are saying, 'The government? Thank God. I thought you were going to say my wife.'

The same conservatives who were all for the Patriot Act are now freaked out about this. They're like, 'When we said the president could do whatever the f*ck he wanted, we didn't mean a black guy.'

Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening – it's kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonalds and not the fries on the way home.

Michelle Obama was heckled this week. Did you see that? Wow, she's tough. Obama always stays cool when he gets heckled, but Michelle was like all Game of Thrones on this woman. She said, 'If I wanted to hear your opinion, my husband will tap your phone.'

From David Letterman:

I don't know if you saw it last night but let me just apologize. We had a bad show last night. I will tell you how bad the show was last night. Halfway through, the White House stopped listening in.

Do you mind that the NSA is opening your mail and listening to your phone calls? I don't care. It's like the lady that tells you the directions in your car. At first I thought it was annoying, and then I realized it's just like being married.

The NSA has been listening in on phone calls. It's people with cellphones — you hear these people walking down the street screaming into their cellphones. They're the ones who are upset about people listening to their phone calls.

You know your phone is being tapped when you're having a conversation and you hear the attorney general breathing.

This whistleblower is all over TV. His name is Edward Snowden, and he's very pleased with himself. He says he doesn't want to live in a society where the society monitors its people. And then he fled to China.

Happy birthday to the president's daughter Sasha, who is 12 years old. For her birthday, her father gave her Justin Bieber's phone records.

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From Craig Ferguson:

The government has been secretly gathering data from your mobile phone. It's a huge scandal and it comes on the heels of President Obama's IRS scandal and Benghazi scandal. Even the crackhead mayor of Toronto is saying, 'rough week, huh?'

From The Daily Show and John Oliver:

Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to. – The Daily Show's John Oliver on the NSA spying scandal

Summer of the Whistleblower - Edward Snowden

The media debates which incredibly reductive label to pin on NSA leaker Edward Snowden. 

Back in Black - Future Technology

Lewis Black will gladly give up all of his private information, just so long as the future contains robotic beer butlers. 

Edward Snowden gets fired, the government picks through yottabytes of data, and PRISM officials calculate a target's "foreignness." 

From Jimmy Fallon:

This weekend, President Obama held talks with Chinese President Xi Jinping. It went well, although it got awkward when Obama asked China to stop spying on America and Jinping said, 'You first.'

Last week it was revealed that the National Security Agency has spied on Americans' phone records and Internet history for years. Yesterday, the source of the leak said he's hiding out in Hong Kong, marking the first time anyone has ever said, 'I don't want to be punished by the government – so I guess I'll go to China.'

He went to China to avoid government persecution. That's like going to Ireland to avoid getting drunk.

President Obama was visiting a middle school yesterday, and while he was there he said that every school in the U.S. should have high-speed Internet. Then it got awkward when one kid said, 'Why, so you can read our emails faster?'

Another scandal hit the White House today. A report found that the government has been secretly collecting the phone records of Verizon customers. I knew something was up when I said, 'You hang up first.' Then my wife said, 'No, YOU hang up first!' Then Obama said, 'Uh, how about you just hang up at the same time?'

The National Security Agency has been collecting the phone records of Verizon customers since April. That explains Verizon's new ad campaign: 'They can hear you now.'

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PRISM Surveillance Program

Conservatives applaud Obama for imitating George W. Bush, and The Guardian wants a Pulitzer for printing Edward Snowden's NSA revelations. 

From Jay Leno:

Quarterback Tim Tebow has signed with the New England Patriots. So the good news is that Tebow got a job. The bad news: Now he's associated with the word 'patriot,' and he's being audited by the IRS.

Nobody knew about this. It was a top-secret deal. The only people who knew were Patriots coach Bill Belichick, Tim Tebow, and of course, the NSA. They were listening in.

The guy who blew the whistle on the NSA scandal is a former security worker named Edward Snowden. He is a high school dropout. He was making $122,000 a year. He lived in Hawaii. He was engaged to a beautiful former ballerina. And he gave it all up. So not only is he a whistleblower. He's also a moron.

President Obama said he welcomes a national debate over our surveillance policies. He said that's a debate we wouldn't have had five years ago. Five years ago? It's a debate we wouldn't have had two weeks ago if they all hadn't gotten caught.

The new Superman movie opens on Friday. It's a great story: When Superman's dad realizes his son is gifted with X-ray vision and super hearing, he puts him in a rocket and sends him toward earth, because he knows with those powers he can get a job in the Obama administration.

A former technical assistant for the CIA named Edward Snowden leaked the story that the federal government was collecting phone records from Verizon customers. Snowden said, 'You're being watched.' To which NBC executives said, 'Finally! We would love to be watched.'

People are asking how this Snowden guy could download all this classified information and give it to a British newspaper without the NSA knowing about it. I think I know the answer. If you don't want the NSA spying on you, get a job working at the NSA. That's how it works.

Snowden said today he was going to disclose all this information earlier, but he wanted to wait until after the election. To which Mitt Romney said, 'Hey, thanks a lot. Appreciate it.'

The White House today closed the gift shop and opened a Verizon store after it was revealed that the National Security Agency seized millions of Verizon phone records. How ironic is that? We wanted a president who listens to all Americans. Now we have one.

President Obama clarified the situation today. He said no one is listening to your phone calls. He said it's not what the program is all about. You know, like the IRS targeting certain political groups. That's not what it's about.

The White House is looking through our phone records, checking our computers, monitoring our emails. When did the government suddenly become our psycho ex-girlfriend? When did that happen?

If Obama wants to put this snooping thing to good use, how about spying on the IRS the next time they throw a $4 million party? Why don't you do that?

A new report shows that the Obama administration has been collecting the telephone records of millions of customers of Verizon under a top-secret court order. Here's the sad part. It turns out that 90 percent of the phone calls Americans make are to order a pizza.

When I was growing up, we were afraid of Big Brother watching us. Now with Obama, we actually HAVE a brother watching us.

Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite all the controversies, he has no intention of stepping down. Hey Eric, I didn't either. Sometimes it just happens.

Funny CIA Spooks Jr. Raglan

Spooks Are: Clever, Intuitive, Awesome, yeah, support the paranormal

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The NSA says it cannot intentionally target U.S. citizens -- just like how a handheld massager is for neck cramps and cannot be used to intentionally target anywhere else. 

From Conan O'Brien:

Due to the government spy scandal, sales of the classic George Orwell book '1984' have skyrocketed. So the fallout is worse than we thought. It's making Americans read.

According to a poll, the majority of Americans are OK with the Obama administration listening in on our phone calls. Guys approve because they feel it increases security. And women approve of Obama's policy because finally a man is listening to them.

House Speaker John Boehner called NSA's Edward Snowden a traitor. But only because he leaked the name of his tanning bed.

It's come out that the government has been secretly collecting telephone records of millions of Verizon customers. Yeah, or as Verizon is calling it, 'The friends and family and Obama plan.'

The Nation Security Agency collects millions of phone records from Verizon, and unlike during the Bush administration, this time it's the Obama administration. 

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Heckled First Lady Michelle Obama: Accused As Angry Black Woman? Come On; Really? (this blog)

Funny Quotes About Government (Dennys World of Quotes blog)

New Denny Lyon Design: Phone Cases, Handbags, T-Shirts, More: Fun Magic Coffee Fonts 

(Warriors Pearl Foundation blog to support homeless female military veterans)

Late Night Jokes, Funny Videos About Obama Scandals: IRS, Benghazi, AP (this blog)

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